She was close, she felt it threatening to take over. The old terror and the new uncertainty were too much. Too much and she’d been wrong, wrong, wrong to come back.
“Sasha.”
His voice was calm and gentle. She wanted to cling to it and never let go.
“Close your eyes and focus on my voice.”
She squeezed her eyes shut and pictured his voice as a bright light in the darkness.
“Inhale deeply. Then exhale and let all the fear go. No one will hurt you whilst I’m here.”
She took a deep breath, concentrating on the rush of air in and out of her body. The terror’s grip lessened.
“That’s it. Good job. Another one. Just the same.”
She inhaled again. She was safe. Exhaled. Safe.
“Again.”
Safe.
Her heart rate slowed. The terror disappeared.
“Again.”
Calm.
“There we go, little one. If you think you’re able, stay in that position.”
“I can stay here, Sir.”
He gave a soft hum of acknowledgment. “Take as much time as you need, and walk me through what happened when you knocked on the door and I answered.”
When she took another breath, she smelled his aftershave and knew he’d moved closer. He smelled the way she imagined midnight would: sexy and secret and sinful.
One more deep breath and she was ready. “I came to talk to Julie. I knew I should probably go home and take a nap, but I didn’t feel tired. I needed to talk to Julie.”
“What were you going to talk to Julie about?”
Her hesitation lasted only a second. “You.”
“I’m going to touch your shoulders and rub your back.” Two hands gently clasped her shoulders. His thumbs massaged the nape of her neck. The action was both soothing and sensual at the same time. His sure hands soon had her sighing in pleasure.
“Do I scare you?” he asked.
She thought for a minute. “No. I don’t think that’s it. It’s only that I haven’t figured you out yet. It keeps me off balance.”
His thumbs stopped their massage. “Might I suggest you grow accustomed to being off balance when it comes to me?”
She didn’t know how to reply to that, so she remained silent.
His thumbs moved once more. “Is it correct, therefore, to assume I wasn’t the trigger today?”
“I don’t think it was you, Sir.”
“You said you came to speak with Julie, I let you in and mentioned she had just left the playroom with Daniel. It happened soon after that.”
The whip cracked in the air and made contact with flesh. She was so cold. Her body shook.“Sasha.” His smooth voice banished the memory. “Stay here with me, little one. Tell me what happened.”
Whenever he called her “little one” she felt warm and protected. “I remember.”
“What do you remember?”
“Daniel and the playroom. I think that was it.”
He was silent for a moment, yet his hands never stopped moving. Somehow his touch grounded her, kept her steady and safe.
“It was Daniel?”
“No, Sir.” She paused, just for a second, and then continued. “I was thinking about being in a playroom with you, though.”
“I see. So playrooms seem to be a potential trigger.”
“I don’t know, Sir. Maybe. I’m not feeling panicked right now.”
“I don’t know, either, but it’s something we’ll work on.” He continued rubbing her upper back and she allowed herself to sink into his touch, relaxing in a way she rarely permitted herself to.
When he’d told her he wasn’t going to fuck her, she’d hoped to feel nothing when he touched her. It would be easier to keep the lines clear that way. But now that she had experienced how his hands felt on her body, she knew she’d want to feel them again.
Stupid. He’s just being nice because you panicked. Don’t get used to it.
“You’re tensing up again,” he chided. “Whatever you’re thinking, stop.”
After a few deep breaths, she once more felt relaxed and loose—and mildly surprised it was so easy to obey him.
“There we go,” he said softly, and his hands became gentler. “Just so you’re aware, I think you’re an incredibly brave woman and I’m honored to be the one chosen to help you through this.”
Her knees went a little weak. His voice was suddenly so soft, so smooth, and he was so different from how she’d pictured. It wasn’t at all how she’d imagined. And he thought she was brave. The thought made her stomach flip-flop. After what seemed forever of feeling so weak, so damaged, so damn afraid, someone saw her as brave. Maybe she could reclaim part of her former self again and he would be the one to guide her.
“When was your last attack?”
“Two months ago, I believe, Sir.”
He extended the massage to cover her entire back, further soothing her with both words and touch. “Do you know what caused that one?”
“Peter called me.”
His hands stopped for a brief moment. “I didn’t know he had contacted you.”
“I don’t like to talk about him,” she said. “He called to apologize. Said it was part of his mentorship.”
He exhaled heavily. “Peter won’t be calling you again.”
Her eyes grew teary. This protective side of him was an enduring surprise. “Thank you, Sir.”
“Thank me when I show you mercy or when I allow you to climax. There’s no need to thank me for protecting or looking after your well-being. That’s just who I am.”
Once again his words warmed her. She thought she had him figured out, but she was starting to see there was so much more to his character.
“Are there any words, places, or actions aside from what we’ve talked about that have triggered an attack?”
“Not within the last few months. After—” She swallowed. She could do this. “After it happened, they occurred frequently. I remember the first group meeting I went to . . .”
“Take your time.” His voice was soft. Patient. Odd, she thought, since there really wasn’t anything soft about him.
“Julie didn’t think I should go. We argued. I thought it would be okay since Dena was giving a talk about legal issues. I had a bad attack in the middle of her discussion. I didn’t tell anyone. I left after it was over and went to Julie’s.”