He chuckled, "I hate you sometimes."
I nodded, "I know. Make sure my sister doesn’t break your dear friend's heart. He has no idea what he's in for and he is awfully sweet."
He shook his head, "Not my problem."
I slapped his chest, "See you later." I turned and walked out into the hallway—the most beautiful hallway I had ever seen.
The cab ride back to the room I’d rented was refreshingly free. I hadn’t a single worry in the world. I had run away from them both. Luce was a safe temptation and Mike was easily distracted. Neither were a real threat to my discovering myself, not yet.
The next morning, I was just finished packing up my room in Rome, when there was a knock at the door. I pulled the towel off my head and opened it, instantly disappointed. It wasn’t just Mike. It was a very drunk Mike.
"Thank God you’re here. I fucked up, Jack." He staggered in, still in his tux and smelling like hell. He collapsed on my rented sofa and groaned, "Baby, I did something bad last night. I didn’t even know I did it until it was over.”
I frowned and closed the door, “What?” My stomach was aching.
He shook his head and looked at me, giving me a heartbroken look, “I slept with Daniela last night."
I winced, "Oh God, why?” I lifted my hand to my mouth, covering it. I didn’t want him to see the disgust on my face but I couldn’t help feeling it. He was loaded and stupid. I felt tears slipping into my eyes, “Fuck, Mike. Why would you do that? Tex is going to be heartbroken. What if you got her pregnant? You're an asshole."
He nodded, covering his eyes, "I know. I just got so drunk and then the next thing I knew, we were in one of those rooms. She was undoing my pants and then I blinked and we were done. I called her your name and she got mad."
I covered my eyes, holding back my pain. Technically, we were not together. I tried to be his friend, which it was clear that was all I was, "Did anyone see you?"
"I don’t know. I don’t care. I shouldn’t have done it." He got up quickly and dropped to his knees in front of me, "I don’t want it to fuck things up for me and you. That’s why I had to come and tell you right away. I can’t hurt you, Jack, but I can’t lie either. I don’t want secrets."
I laughed and cried a little at the same time, “That has kind of happened though, hasn’t it? I am hurt and Tex will be too.” I didn’t know how to feel.
I closed my eyes, wishing I had blue pills for the first time in a long time. I wanted the exploding feeling in my chest to go away. I let the sunset amongst the tents, the charming smile of Luce, and talking about movies and wine take over my mind and become my new blue pill. I dropped to my knees too, "Mike, there is no me and you. You're drunk right now, so it feels like maybe that almost sex we had yesterday was something. But let's think about this for a minute. Me and you have never had anything beyond having fun and having sex and taking naps. We have always been that couple who was never really a couple. You're funny, cute, and sexy as hell, but we won't ever be anything but what we are."
He looked impassioned, "I think I knew that. I watched you slipping away. I can feel it, I’m losing you." A tear slipped down his cheek. I wasn’t sure drunk tears counted, but it was an effort. He sniffled, “I don’t want to lose you. I need you. Can we go back? Can we be friends again? I miss you.”
I kissed his cheek softly, "I miss you too, but I mostly just miss being your friend. I miss being your family. I miss listening to your stories and laughing. Like the one about you and your brothers when you went fishing and one caught some underwear and chased you with them. I like us as friends." I wasn’t sure if it was true or just words I spoke to avoid my broken heart.
He looked devastated, "I can change, Jack. I can be what you need."
I shook my head, "I don’t want that. I like you just the way you are, but I can't love you the way you want me to. It took me all this time of not having you around to see that we are always going to be best friends. Always. I will always be your Jack."
He shook his head, "Baby, I love you. I know I do."
I nodded, "I know you do. I know you love me in your special way and I'm the only girl who says no to you and makes you crazy but that isn’t the marrying kind of love."
"You love someone else? Someone like Luce, who your parents will love? Fuck you! Don’t tell me you love me but don’t want to be with me." He got up and walked to the door. I grabbed the back of his shirt and dragged him to my bed. I shoved him down on it and laid beside him, "We are not arguing right now. You are drunk and stupid."
"Don’t sneak away this time."
I shook my head, "I won't." I closed my eyes, "I don’t want to lose you, Mike. If you want to be with me, then you need to prove it. You couldn’t even do three months of celibacy. I know you were with other girls."
He sighed, "They don't ever mean anything, Jack. And I did cut back, a lot. I only slipped twice when I was at a couple parties. I woke up and realized what I’d done. I tried to tell you, but I didn't know how. I knew you’d be disappointed in me. I am trying."
I kissed his forehead, "I'm not kidding around. I'm disgusted you would sleep with Daniela and hurt Tex and me like that."
"Tex did it to me first."
I shook my head, "That's mature." And that was exactly the point my heart was making. "Mike, this careless, sexy, slutty, hockey player thing you have going for yourself was hot ten years ago. It's not hot anymore. You're getting older, time to grow up."
He nuzzled into me, "I'm like Peter Pan."
I shook my head, trying to stifle my laugh, "No, you aren’t. It's time to see what big boy Mike is like."
I felt him smile, "I can show you big boy Mike right now."
I nearly gagged, "You stink and you just had sex with another woman. A married woman."
He chuckled, "You walked into that one, Jack."
I watched him fall asleep, forcing myself to see slutty, gross Mike.
Later that night, as he shoved my bags into the back of the cab, he gave me a sour-looking expression.
I nudged him and smiled sweetly, "I'll see you at the end of May."
Mike scowled, "Just come home. I swear you can watch me grow. Muriel will be excited to see you."
I shook my head, folding my arms over my shirt, "Sorry. I need this."
"Why are you doing this?"
I narrowed my gaze, "My sister is having sex with Will, who probably loves her and she probably loves him. But you know what's sad? She will never be with him. She won't sacrifice her social status and choose love. Tex was screwing Daniela the entire time you were with her—she's a whore. Let's face it. You wait for him to marry her and then pay him back—that's sick. I nearly sleep with you and then nearly bed hop from you to Luce." His face darkened but I shoved his chest, "Stop. You fucked Daniela; you have no right to judge me. To top all that shit off, I nearly married a sadistic bastard because my dad told me to. I have NEVER just been away from the toxicity of it all. All these near misses would have happened, had I still been taking several types of prescription medicine. You see how fucked up that is? My life sounds like a soap opera. I'm waiting for someone to come back from the dead and I'm just going to find a script writer and produce this shit."
He snorted, "You're making it sound worse than it is."
I shook my head, exasperated, "NO. That’s the worst part, Mike. I'm not."
"STOP CALLING ME MIKE!"
I leaned into his savage look, "THEN EARN MY LOVE, FRANCE! STOP EXPECTING THAT YOU DESERVE IT BECAUSE WE HAVE HISTORY!"
He grabbed my shoulders but stopped himself. We hovered in that awkward silence for a minute. The one where we stared at each other's quivering lips and prayed desperately that the other person would move that last ten percent. Both stubborn and scared, neither of us did.
He gave me a hurt look, "I went to the Empire State Building for you."
I smiled, I couldn’t fight it, "I loved that."
His ragged breath sounded like it might catch in his throat. "I can't lose you."
I nodded, "Then act like it. Act like missing me isn’t just a sober thing for you. Act like I am the person you want to be with and think about the person I want to be with."
I moved the last ten percent but I pressed my lips against his flushed cheeks. He pressed into the kiss. I whispered, "See you in May."
I turned away from him and climbed into the cab. Before I closed the door, I turned back to him. He looked tragic and on the verge of doing something crazy. I hoped he would, just a little bit.
"Tell Brandi I said she is a hateful slut and I will see her in May too."
He started to laugh but it sounded close to crying, "I love you, Jack."
I nodded, "I love you too, France."
When I got onto the flight for Greece, I pulled the handkerchief from my pocket. I smelled it and sighed. It was the smell of the hillside, the setting sun, and the Valpolicella. I opened it up to see a note written inside of it.
It made me smile. Inside was a note,
"Jacqueline,
As per our previous agreement, I will be waiting for you May 9th at the Gallery of Ancient Art in Rome at 7 pm.
Yours,
Luce."
I felt my breath hitch as I reread it. He had planned all along to give me the handkerchief. He had planned it like a romantic movie, long before we even spoke of movies.
My stomach tightened as the plane took off. He would be the right choice; I could love a man like Luce so easily.
Tuesday, The End of April
I shelved the last of the bottles, "I think this is it. Now we just have to go and see if the guys are ready with the pruning and burning."
Rita smiled at me, "You work hard for an American. I have never seen anyone work so hard."