“What?” His eyes narrowed and his body stilled. “What is it Lucky?”
“Noah found your mom.” I began and when I saw the confused, but excited expression in his eyes, I suddenly felt scared to tell him more. “I guess he was looking for her online. That’s what Sidney told me.”
“I wondered what the two of you were whispering about.”
“Noah gave him a file before he died and in the file was the contact information for your mom.” Zane’s expression was obstinate, but I could see the hope in his eyes and it killed me.
“I see. So what next?” He ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what to say. Am I supposed to call her? Did Noah call her?”
“I, uh, I don’t know.” I bit my lip, unsure of how to tell him about my conversation with his mother without breaking his heart.
“I guess I’ll call her when we get back?” He shrugged to pretend that he didn’t care but I knew differently. “I’ll have to tell her Noah died.”
“The thing is… she’s in Paris,” I blurted out.
“What?” His head stilled. “She’s here?”
“Yes.” I took a big gulp. “I called her.”
“You told her we were coming here?” His voice was low and angry. “I don’t want to see her, Lucky.”
“I …” My voice choked up and I wasn’t sure how to finish my sentence. “I spoke to her and ….”
“She’s expecting to see me now, isn’t she? She thinks she can just come back in my life after everything that happened? She thinks that after 19 years I’m going to greet her back into my life with open arms. Or did she run out of money? Did she ask you if I have money?”
“No.” My voice was low.
“I can’t believe you told her I would go and see her.” Zane was fuming. “I’m done with her. I do not care about her. I do not care to see her. She left me, Lucky. She left me and never looked back.”
“I’m sorry.” Tears brimmed in my eyes at the anger in Zane’s voice. I wasn’t sad because he was shouting at me though. I was sad because I knew beyond a doubt that all he wanted was for his mom to have a good reason for leaving him. I didn’t correct his misapprehension of our conversation because I didn’t want him to know the truth. I’d rather he think she wanted to get back into his life than what had really been said.
“Lucky, I’m not mad at you.” He stepped back and picked up his wallet. “I’m just not in that place. I didn’t have a happy family like you. She left and she can’t expect to just come back into my life.”
“I understand.”
“What did she say?” His eyes looked at me intensely. “Anything important?” The words slipped out of his mouth casually, but I knew that what I said next would weigh on his heart and in his mind for the rest of his life. And so I did the only thing I thought I could do, I lied.
“She was upset.” I tried to avoid his eyes. “She said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do. And every day, she thinks about you and Noah, and wonders what sort of men you turned into.”
“I bet she wants to know if we ended up looking like her or our dad.”
“Yeah.”
“She was sad, huh?” Zane played with his fingers as he spoke and I started plaiting my hair.
“Yeah, she was really sad. I think she really regrets what she did.” And if she didn’t, she should, I thought to myself.
“That’s not enough.” Zane’s voice was gruff. “You don’t get your sons back because you realize you made a mistake.”
“Yeah. I think she’ll regret it for the rest of her life.”
“Well,” Zane turned off the TV. “She should. Are you ready?”
“Yeah.” I nodded and picked up my bag and we left the hotel room. My heart was heavy at the lies I had told, but I’d rather have a guilty conscience than have Zane have another broken heart.
Chapter 11
Zane
“What shall we do today, boys?” She sat at her vanity table and brushed her hair. “Do you want to go to the beach?”
“Yes, please.” I sat on the floor playing Legos with Noah.
“No, not the beach.” Noah made a face. “I want to go wrestling.”
“We can’t go wrestling.” I rolled my eyes and looked at her for approval. “Right?”
“Right, Zane, we can’t go wrestling, Noah. Just think about what your dad would say.”
I stuck my tongue out at Noah and jumped up. “Can I brush your hair?” I reached my hand out for the brush.
“Not today, Zane.” She shook her head. “You take too long.”
I stood behind her, awkwardly wanting to reach over and hug her, but I was too scared, so I walked away slowly.
“Come, Zane, it’s your turn.” Noah called out to me.
“I’m tired of playing Legos.” I made to leave the room.
“You’re just jealous because my army is beating your army.” Noah picked up his toy car and it came crashing down on the tower I had been building.
“What are you doing?” I cried out angrily. “You ruined it.”
“I told you to come.”
“He ruined it, he ruined it.” I shouted and stood there with my hands clenched.
“Noah, say sorry to your brother and Zane please quiet down. It’s not a big deal.” She continued brushing her hair and spoke without turning around.
“You’re such a baby, Zane.” Noah jumped up and grinned, sticking his tongue out, back at me.
“Sally, Noah just stuck his tongue out at me.”
“Zane did it first, Sally. He did it first.” Noah ran over to our nanny and hugged her. She lifted him into her lap and patted his head. Noah leaned his head into her shoulder and I walked out of the room upset and jealous as she held him close to her heart.
“Zane, wake up.” Lucky shook my shoulder and I opened my eyes slowly.
“Huh?” I looked up at her through sleep-filled eyes. “What happened?”
“You kept shouting, ‘I want a hug too, I want a hug too!’” She looked at me with worried eyes. “Is everything ok?”
“Yeah.” I nodded and sat up. My throat was dry and I cleared it. “It was just a dream.”
“About your mom again?” Her eyes were sad and she reached over to hold my hand. It felt light and soft next to mine and I squeezed it gratefully. I liked having her in the bed next to me. I didn’t know how I had gotten through the dreams without her by my side before.
“No, this dream was about one of my old nannies.” I shook my head. “Weird, I haven’t thought about Sally in years.”
“Was she nice to you?”
“She was our first nanny after my mom left. She stayed for a few years and then left when she got married to a guy who owned his own car dealership.”
“Were you close?”
“She was closer to Noah. I found it hard to reach out.”
“But you were only six when your mother left. You never tried to get close to anyone?”
“No, you’re the first person I’ve really let in. I guess you can say you’re special.” I gave her a weak smile and she sighed. “Though I suppose that makes me sounds like a bit of a loser. A 25-year-old man who never got over his mother leaving him.”
“That’s not something that many people can get over, Zane.”
“They’re not going to stop, are they?” I muttered without waiting for answer. “The dreams aren’t going to stop, are they?”
“Do you want them to stop?” Her voice sounded as sweet as an angel and I wanted to just be able to focus on that. I wanted to be consumed by her love for me and only her love for me. I wanted to banish the pain and hurt from my life. And the first step to getting rid of the pain would be to know why my mom had left.
“I want them to stop. I don’t want to be haunted by the past anymore. I want to focus on you. On us.” I pulled Lucky into my arms and held her close. “I want to be able to wake up and only think about your warm body against mine. I want my only worry to be how many times I can make love to you before I go to work.”
“Zane,” she giggled and I felt her kissing my shoulder.
“I want to call my mom.” I blurted out. “I’m going to call her and find out why.” I felt Lucky’s body still next to mine and I knew she must have been shocked at my change of heart. “You were right, Lucky, I need to talk to her to try and get closure. I can’t be scared or bitter anymore. I need to move past those emotions.”
“Are you sure, Zane?” Her voice was low and I could barely hear her. “Maybe she can’t give you the closure you need.”
“I just need some answers. I just want to understand why, and how she could leave us.”
“What if she asks about Noah?”
“Then she’ll have to know that her youngest son is dead.” My words were harsh and my stomach was full of nerves. As much as I knew that I didn’t want to see her and have that conversation, I knew that I needed to. I didn’t come all the way to France to find out she was here to leave. I knew Noah would have wanted to know, he would have wanted me to call. “I have to call for Noah.”
“No, Zane, you have to call for you. You have to call because it’s what you want and need.” Lucky pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. “You have to be honest with yourself, Zane.”
“Maybe she misses me.” I looked away from her as I uttered the words that I had never voiced before. In fact, I had never even allowed myself to think those thoughts. “Maybe we can make this right. Maybe she really does regret everything that happened. Maybe, and I don’t mean right away, but in a few months or even a few years, maybe we can even have a relationship again.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Lucky held me tight and I breathed in her scent.
“I’d like a mother who loves me. I’d like to know that she loves me. I’d like to understand why she left.”
“So then I guess you should call her.” Lucky sighed and I frowned. I had expected her to be happy for me, excited even.
“Is it too early to call her now?”
“It’s 5 a.m.,” Lucky whispered. “I’d say it’s definitely too early.”
“I’m nervous.” I laughed. “Man, I sound like a sissy.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I do,” I muttered. “Let’s go back to sleep.”
***
“No answer.” I tried the number one more time, disappointment coursing through my veins. “Maybe she moved?”
“Maybe.” Lucky looked down at her plate.
“Wait, you said you had her address right?” An idea popped into my mind. “Maybe we can go visit her?” The more I thought about it, the better the idea sounded. “I mean a phone call is all good and well, but what I really want is to look into her eyes and ask us how she could have left us.”
“Do you think that is a good idea, Zane?” Lucky chewed on her fingernails and looked worried. “What if she’s not here?”
“That’s a chance we would have to take.” I called the waiter over so I could get the bill. “La cuenta, por favor.”
“That’s Spanish, Zane.” Lucky giggled and I smiled at her vacantly. My mind was already thinking about what was going to happen when I saw my mom. It didn’t seem real and I wasn’t sure I was making the right decision. But I kept hearing Noah’s voice in the back of my mind asking me where I thought mom was and if mom missed us. I knew that I had to find out, if not for me, then for Noah.
“I’m ready, Zane.” Lucky grabbed my arm and I stood up. We walked to the corner and as the taxi pulled over, I realized that I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to go, but I knew there likely wouldn’t be another opportunity like this coming up again.
“It’s a beautiful house.” Lucky stared at the garden in front of us. We were in the outskirts of Paris now and there was green grass all around us as opposed to buildings.
“With the money she took she should have a nice house.” I muttered, staring at the smallish farmhouse it front of us. It didn’t fit my image of my mother; I couldn’t see her in a farmhouse or on a farm.
“Zane, please.”
“I won’t bring it up.” I took a deep breath and walked up the pathway and to the front door. I could hear some noises from inside the house and I felt like I was going to throw up. This was it then, I was about to come face to face with my mother. Lucky stood next to me and slid her hand into mine. I looked down at her gratefully and gave her a quick smile. With my heart pounding, I lifted the knocker on the door and waited.
“Allo, allo.” A little boy answered the door and looked at us. “Bonjour.” He smiled widely at me and then at Lucky. He looked to be about seven and had a huge gap in his front teeth.
“Bonjour.” I smiled back at him with my heart in my mouth. “We, uh Nous visite Mrs. Beaumont.”
“Pardon?” He looked up at me with oblivious eyes. He had no idea that my whole world was about to change in about five minutes.
“Bonjour mon amie,” Lucky smiled at the little boy. “Ca va?”
“Bien.” He grinned.
“I didn’t know you spoke any French?” I looked at Lucky in surprise. Why hadn’t she helped in the taxi if she was fluent?