“I think he’s in love with you,” Jess concluded.
“You must be kidding.” Lily looked at her like she had two heads. “Torturing and teasing are indications of deep affection?”
“They are when you’re four and when you’re fourteen. And apparently in your twenties too if you don’t know what else to do in a particular situation,” Jess replied.
“And if he’s never had a serious relationship then he wouldn’t know what to do,” I added.
“I agree,” Beth said. “He’s probably really attracted to you but you make him feel off balance because you don’t throw yourself at him like so many other women. He doesn’t know how to handle it.”
“He’s always laughed at me and made fun of me,” Lily argued.
“Humor is often a defense mechanism,” I pointed out. “I think he wields that sarcasm like a sword and uses it like a shield.”
“Well, I’m not sure I’m up for that battle. I could become a casualty. I could just picture him yelling at me in bed, or worse, laughing at me!”
“I think neither one of them is ready yet,” I said to Jess and Beth.
“So what’s up with you romance-wise,” Jess asked Beth, changing the subject. Beth told us about the guys she had been on dates with – none of whom she had found terribly impressive. Then talk turned again to my rapidly approaching engagement party.
“It’s going to be gorgeous!” Beth gushed. “My mom and I just bought our gowns and we’re so excited. We have family coming from all over!” Family. The word that struck terror into my heart.
“Are all of your relatives coming, Gab?” Lily asked.
“Yeah,” I said weakly. “Unfortunately.”
“Oh come on honey! They can’t be that bad!” Jess laughed.
“If you don’t believe me, ask Braden. Luckily, there aren’t all that many of the weird ones. I mean, my dad’s side of the family is pretty normal. It’s my mom’s side that worries me. Her brother Ira lives and breathes dry cleaning. He’s got a chain of shops in Queens and Brooklyn and it’s all that he thinks about, which is good in some ways, because whenever he talks about anything else he says the most tactless shit you’ve ever heard.”
“More tactless than Drew?” Beth asked, sounding surprised.
“He makes Drew seem suave,” I answered. “But even he is not as bad as my grandmother, who will be blessing me with her presence the day before the party too.”
“Maybe this isn’t the best time to mention this but my parents invited her along with your aunt and uncle and cousin Rachel for a house party on Friday night.”
“What?!” I cried, spitting out a mouthful of Chianti onto Lily’s white shirt. “I’ll pay for that, by the way,” I told her. “Are you nuts?!” I asked, turning my attention back to Beth. “You don’t want to invite that woman into your home! You’ll have to have to have it cleansed by a medicine man and blessed by a priest after she leaves!”
“Gabrielle!” Beth laughed, sounding shocked. “She’s your grandmother!”
“Oh my God! Why? Why? What have I done?” I asked the ceiling imploringly.
“I’m sure it will be just fine, Gab,” Lily said reassuringly.
“You’ve never met her!” I practically shouted. “Evil has a name and it’s Rose Lipschitz!”
“Rose Lipschitz? You’re kidding, right?” Jess asked, coming back into the room from the kitchen and handing Lily a damp cloth to wipe the Chianti off her shirt.
“Bubbe is no laughing matter. Please let me apologize in advance to your family, Beth.”
“For what?” Beth laughed.
“For everything,” I answered and chugged the rest of my wine.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
OCTOBER
IN THE COURT OF COMMON PLEAS OF PHILADELPHIA COUNTY, PENNSYLVANIA
Commonwealth v. Durbin
“Ms. Holden, where are you employed?” Braden asked the witness, Britney Holden, who had big Jersey Girl hair, a big Jersey Girl accent and a wad of gum the size of Jersey lodged in her mouth.
“H&R Block.” Incidentally, in addition to the accent she also had a voice that made you want to jump off a bridge. It sounded like someone had taken a screeching cat and dragged its nails across a blackboard.
“Were you employed there on September twelfth?”
“Yes. I was.” I hoped that she wasn’t the front desk person. Personally, I would rather risk an audit than go to that H&R Block if she was there. I felt like my ears might start bleeding.
“Was the defendant Mr. Durbin also employed there?”
“Yes.”
“Did you work in the same area?”
“Yes. His cube was right next to my cube.” Wait, who was the victim here?
“Did anything out of the ordinary happen on that day?”
“Yes. I was on the phone with a girlfriend of mine when suddenly he came crashing through the wall of my cube.”
“Right through the wall?”
“Yes. Right through the wall. Then he grabbed my cell phone and beat it.”
“Wait – you mean beat it, as in he left with it?” Judge Channing asked.
“No. He actually beat it. He threw it down on the floor and he stomped on it but it didn’t break. So he picked it up and slammed it against my desk several times but it still didn’t break, because, you know, I have one of those protective covers on it. Then he slammed a book down on it a few times and when it still didn’t break, he screamed.”
“He screamed? Did he say something?”
“Yes. He said, ‘die die die motherfucker!’ Then he went running outside, and while we all watched from the window, he ran over it with his car.”
“How much was the phone worth?”
“One hundred and ninety dollars.”
“Thank you. No more questions.”
“Any questions, Ms. Ginsberg? Recall that this is just a preliminary hearing, not a trial, so whatever motivated your client won’t be relevant. In fact, I’m sure it’s no mystery at all what motivated him, and perhaps a jury will feel some sympathy, but this is neither the time nor place.”
“Well then, I suppose I don’t have any questions, Your Honor.”
“Good choice Ms. Ginsberg. I’ll hold it as a theft rather than as a robbery.” I guess that was my gift for not annoying him by making him listen to Ms. Holden’s voice any longer.