“Don’t breathe!” I warned him.
Percy’s eyes bugged out as if to say, Seriously? He fell to his knees, clawing at his throat. As a son of Poseidon, he could probably breathe underwater, but holding one’s breath for an indeterminate amount of time was a different matter altogether.
Meg picked up another withered peach from the field, but it would offer her little defense against the forces of darkness.
I tried to figure out how to help Percy—because I am all about helping—but the branch-impaled nosos charged at me. I turned and fled, running face-first into a tree. I’d like to tell you that was part of my plan, but even I, with all my poetic skill, cannot put a positive spin on it.
I found myself flat on my back, spots dancing in my eyes, the cadaverous visage of the plague spirit looming over me.
“Which fatal illness shall I use to kill the great Apolloooo?” the spirit gurgled. “Anthrax? Perhaps eboooola…”
“Hangnails,” I suggested, trying to squirm away from my tormentor. “I live in fear of hangnails.”
“I have the answer!” the spirit cried, rudely ignoring me. “Let’s try this!”
He dissolved into smoke and settled over me like a glittering blanket.
Peaches in combat
I am hanging it up now
My brain exploded
I WILL NOT SAY my life passed before my eyes.
I wish it had. That would’ve taken several months, giving me time to figure out an escape plan.
Instead, my regrets passed before my eyes. Despite being a gloriously perfect being, I do have a few regrets. I remembered that day at Abbey Road Studios, when my envy led me to set rancor in the hearts of John and Paul and break up the Beatles. I remembered Achilles falling on the plains of Troy, cut down by an unworthy archer because of my wrath.
I saw Hyacinthus, his bronze shoulders and dark ringlets gleaming in the sunlight. Standing on the sideline of the discus field, he gave me a brilliant smile. Even you can’t throw that far, he teased.
Watch me, I said. I threw the discus, then stared in horror as a gust of wind made it veer, inexplicably, toward Hyacinthus’s handsome face.
And of course I saw her—the other love of my life—her fair skin transforming into bark, her hair sprouting green leaves, her eyes hardening into rivulets of sap.
Those memories brought back so much pain, you might think I would welcome the glittering plague mist descending over me.
Yet my new mortal self rebelled. I was too young to die! I hadn’t even had my first kiss! (Yes, my godly catalogue of exes was filled with more beautiful people than a Kardashian party guest list, but none of that seemed real to me.)
If I’m being totally honest, I have to confess something else: all gods fear death, even when we are not encased in mortal forms.
That may seem silly. We are immortal. But as you’ve seen, immortality can be taken away. (In my case, three stinking times.)
Gods know about fading. They know about being forgotten over the centuries. The idea of ceasing to exist altogether terrifies us. In fact—well, Zeus would not like me sharing this information, and if you tell anyone, I will deny I ever said it—but the truth is we gods are a little in awe of you mortals. You spend your whole lives knowing you will die. No matter how many friends and relatives you have, your puny existence will quickly be forgotten. How do you cope with it? Why are you not running around constantly screaming and pulling your hair out? Your bravery, I must admit, is quite admirable.
Now where was I?
Right. I was dying.
I rolled around in the mud, holding my breath. I tried to brush off the disease cloud, but it was not as easy as swatting a fly or an uppity mortal.
I caught a glimpse of Meg, playing a deadly game of tag with the third nosos, trying to keep a peach tree between herself and the spirit. She yelled something to me, but her voice seemed tinny and far away.
Somewhere to my left, the ground shook. A miniature geyser erupted from the field. Percy crawled toward it desperately. He thrust his face in the water, washing away the smoke.
My eyesight began to dim.
Percy struggled to his feet. He ripped out the source of the geyser—an irrigation pipe—and turned the water on me.
Normally I do not like being doused. Every time I go camping with Artemis, she likes to wake me up with a bucket of ice-cold water. But in this case, I didn’t mind.
The water disrupted the smoke, allowing me to roll away and gasp for air. Nearby, our two gaseous enemies re-formed as dripping wet corpses, their yellow eyes glowing with annoyance.
Meg yelled again. This time I understood her words. “GET DOWN!”