That burning in my throat grew so hot it rivaled the pain I still felt in my cheekbone and I felt the additional sting of tears in my sinuses.
“Let me go,” I whispered on another attempt to jerk my arms free.
He spoke more soft words and I jerked again. Then he let me go, I started to step away but before I could I was up in the air, cradled in his arms but they were like steel bands, locking me close. I tried to arch my back and buck but this was to no avail. He turned and took two long strides to the bed, sat then fell to his side, my back to the bed, my h*ps in his lap, thighs over his and I couldn’t swallow the sob that tore from my throat, filling the tent with the sound of sorrow.
“Kah Lahnahsahna Circe,” he whispered, his hand cupping my head, forcing it into his chest as his other arm locked me in place.
“Let me go,” I sobbed into his chest, my hands flat against it on either side of my face, pushing, but he didn’t move. I gave up and whispered, “Let me go.”
He didn’t let me go, he kept my face in his chest and his arm tight around me as I cried, I sobbed, I bawled, I let it all hang out. Everything. Everything I was feeling. Everything that haunted my headspace for days. Being in this world and not knowing why. Being hunted and raped. Being confused and hurt. Watching a man die while his chain was hooked to me. Losing my world, my father, my job, my friends, my culture and everything I knew. Finding friends and building friendships at the same time not knowing if they would be torn away. And struggling against starting to fall in love with a man I didn’t understand, whose ways frightened and repulsed me but I was drawn to him by something I couldn’t deny because it was just… that… strong.
And then, with one swing of his mighty arm, falling right out of love and landing with a crash so brutal, it shattered me.
In other words, I cried a lot of f**king tears.
So many, it exhausted me. So much emotion, I couldn’t get it all out, it was impossible, the effort felt like it would kill me and my body had to shut down just to survive.
Therefore I fell asleep in Lahn’s cradling arms even as the tears continued to fall.
* * * * *
I woke in the night still in Lahn’s arms and I didn’t hesitate in pulling away, rolling and getting up from the bed.
Candlelight still spluttered, as it always did, he never extinguished them in the night, and it led my way to the trunks. I opened one, selected a nightgown, pulled it out, took off my clothes and jewelry, dropping them unheeded to the rugs at my feet and then I slid the nightgown on.
Then I moved to the bed of hides by the flaps and laid down, my head to the cushions, my back to Lahn in the bed.
I barely got settled before I was going up, his arms around me, cradling me to his chest again and I was back in bed. He jerked the silk out from under us, settled it over us and then he pulled me under his body, his heavy legs tangling with mine, his arm nearly fully around me, his weight pinning me to the bed.
As ever, no escape.
So I escaped the only way I had.
I twisted my neck to turn my face away.
But I was with Lahn and Lahn being Lahn, he didn’t even give me that.
His big hand curved around my jaw and he turned my head so I was facing him then his fingers glided into the hair at the side of my head, his thumb against my cheek, forcing my face into his throat and keeping it there.
I felt the burn in my throat and pulled in a deep breath that broke in the middle, loudly, communicating my struggle against tears.
Lahn’s fingers tensed into my scalp but otherwise his hand didn’t move.
It took a lot out of me, everything I had left, but I succeeded in holding them back.
When my breath evened, communicating I won my battle, Lahn’s neck bent and I felt his lips on my hair as his fingers again tensed gently into my scalp.
There he whispered, “Na lapay kah rahna Dahksahna. Na lapay kah Lahnahsahna. Na lapay kah Circe. Fahzah, Circe. Fahzah. Farzah kay markan nahna rah ruhnee zo kay. Farzah. Kuvoo sah, Circe, loot farzah danhay.”***
One couldn’t say I had the Korwahk language down pat, not even close, but I knew enough to know what he was saying.
And from the way he said it, I knew he really meant it.
And there it was, I had no choice, I had no escape, I had nothing.
So I closed my eyes, forced my body to relax and tried to find sleep.
This took awhile before I succeeded and his hand never left my head until I was out and when I went out, I went out.
So I didn’t feel nor even sense Lahn’s hand drifting down to curl around my neck nor did I feel the pad of his thumb tenderly press up on my jaw to expose my face to him.
And lastly, I didn’t feel his lips brush mine before his arm curved around me, he pulled me deeper under him and then he fell asleep.
*Translation: “Leave us!”
**Translation: “You are not my Lahn.”
***Translation: “You are my golden queen. You are my tigress. You are my Circe. Always, Circe. Always. Never will I allow your gold to be taken from me. Never. Understand this, Circe, and never forget.”
Chapter Fifteen
The Gifts
The noises of the Daxshee being disassembled and packed up were all around me but I didn’t see it nor did I hear it.
I was completely in my head.
Being in that world was no good place to be and being in my head wasn’t much better.
Still, it was better so that was where I was going to be.
It was early afternoon the next day after Lahn struck me and I knew from the noises invading the cham that woke me up (alone in our bed, might I add) that the packing up had already begun.
The minute I moved in bed, my girls swung into action, feeding me, bathing me, dressing me like the queen I was and then quickly went to work to pack our belongings for the ride.
Now, I was sitting outside on a big, soft hide with some cushions under a piece of gauze that had been set up on a slant to protect me from the sun. I had a plate of untouched food in front of me, a jug of water, a cup and Ghost was rolling around, playing with some toy one of my girls had made for her (in other words, tearing the thing to pieces).
The activity was intense, the hustle and bustle all around and I watched with distraction six young men who were likely around fourteen or fifteen, clearly Horde warriors in training considering they were all tall, fit and muscular, pulling down Lahn and my cham.
They were good at it. They were strong, fast and clearly had some practice.
Then I felt it before I saw him round the tent. That raw, brutal energy.
Lahn was coming.
I braced and then I saw him move toward me wearing nothing but his hides, his boots, his hair still in the braid I’d plaited in it the day before.