It wasn’t all bad, though. Every Christmas morning, I’d also wake up to a Christmas stocking at the foot of my bed. It was filled with chocolates, sweets, nail polish, hair accessories, pen sets, makeup and other cute, fun things. I knew it was Kyle. Always giving me just a little of what I wanted from him. Attention. Affection. Thoughtfulness.
But always just a little.
Temporary.
Never enough.
I blinked away the tears that had clouded my vision and huddled against the battering wind howling up the beach. It was a horrible night and the house was sure to be cold, because Kyle and Carrie were out for the evening. The heavy feeling in my chest was such that I knew I had to do something about it or I’d end up crying myself to sleep.
I’d call Tobias when I got home.
He’d take my mind off it.
As if I’d conjured him from my deep need to not be alone tonight, Tobias was suddenly there as I pushed open the garden gate. Standing, arms crossed against the cold, in my doorway.
Loneliness slid off my shoulders like tar that could no longer find a grip. It lay on the pathway behind me, forgotten, as I hurried toward my boyfriend and threw myself into his arms.
“Oof.” He caught me and hugged me to him immediately. “You okay?” he murmured against my ear.
I pulled back to smile at him. “I am now.”
He grinned. “Yeah? You mind letting me into your house then, because I’m freezing my ass off here.”
Laughing, I reluctantly let him go so I could unlock the door. He huddled in behind me, stamping his feet and rubbing his arms. Concern washed over me. “How long have you been waiting out there?”
“About half an hour. I thought the show ended earlier.”
Tobias wasn’t really into the theater so I hadn’t thought it was fair to force him to come see a school show. He’d told me he was hanging out with Luke tonight. “Why aren’t you with the boys?”
“I was, but they got some girls around and were starting to party so...”
So he’d left. To come be with me. “I love you,” I blurted out.
Tobias smiled, bemused. “Yeah, I love you, too.”
“No.” I shook my head, frustrated that I couldn’t articulate what was on my mind. “I really love you.”
Now he frowned. “You don’t think I really love you?”
“No, I’m saying it wrong.” Huffing at myself, I began unzipping his jacket. He chuckled as I pulled off his outerwear with all the efficiency of a mother with her toddler. “Shoes off,” I said, as I took off my coat and winter accessories.
“Comet—”
“My room. Now.” I grabbed his hand and led him. Thankfully, Kyle and Carrie had left the heat on, so my bedroom was nice and toasty. As soon as the door closed behind him, I locked it.
Understanding began to dawn on his face as Tobias stared at the locked bedroom door. “Oh?” His eyebrows rose as he turned back to me. His cheeks suddenly looked flushed. “You mean...you really love me?”
I laughed in giddy nervousness. As soon as I’d seen him waiting for me at my door I’d known what I wanted tonight. I wanted to immerse myself completely in the one person I never felt alone with. I was scared of the unknown, nervous, feeling a little sick and knock-kneed to be honest. But I wanted to be with him more than any of those feelings combined.
Fingers trembling, I began to unbutton the blouse I was wearing.
Tobias took two long strides toward me and covered my fingers, halting me. He studied me, his whole body tense, coiled tight. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I... I’m on the pill,” I revealed. I’d started using it as soon as I’d gotten it from the pharmacy a few weeks ago during my mortifying visit there, with Vicki as my support.
His fingers curled tightly around mine. “I have... I’ve got protection on me.”
I flushed, squirming. It was weird how I could be ready to have sex with this boy and yet still find discussing the reality of it embarrassing. As if sensing that, Tobias grinned, a smile filled with mischief.
“Imagine your reaction if I’d said the word condom.”
I blushed from head to toe, making him throw his head back in laughter.
“You’re mean,” I huffed.
“You’re amazing,” he replied, laughter still in his voice, and then suddenly he was kissing me, his arms wrapped so tight around me that there wasn’t a part of me not touching him.
We stumbled backward, lost in our kisses, and fell across my bed. The sensation of his body pressing mine into the mattress sent flashes of white-hot heat licking up my body. From Tobias’s reaction, he felt the same.
From there I was lost, tumbling into a world of magic with him the same way I did when I cracked open a good book. The outside world faded away, until all that was left were his lips, his hands, his body and his whispered words of love.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
23
“Our hearts pounded like a stampede,
of horses in the wild.
Our hot blood rushed at super speed,
We’re lost. Found. Utterly beguiled.”
Tobias’s hold on me tightened as we lay in bed together, warm skin against warm skin. “Did you just think that up?”
“Yes,” I whispered, rubbing my cheek against his chest. “After what we just did I’m not going to get embarrassed over you hearing a few rough verses.”
He laughed gently. “I guess not.” I felt his fingers run through my hair. “Always a poet, huh?”
“I’ve had more to write about since you came into the picture. Love poems for miles.” I snorted. “Some are terrible.”
“As bad as ‘Roses are red, Violets are blue, thanks for having sex with me, I love you, too’?”
I burst into laughter, quickly muffling my giggles against his chest, because we’d heard my parents arrive home about ten minutes earlier. Thankfully, they’d gone straight upstairs to bed so they had no idea Tobias was in my room, or that I’d just lost my virginity to him.
The laughter was partly because my boyfriend was funny and also partly because I was giddy at the revelation of lovemaking. I couldn’t imagine doing any of the things we’d done with anyone but Tobias. Although books gave differing examples of the loss of one’s virginity, they all suggested the same thing—that the first time could be either painful or uncomfortable for a girl. It was uncomfortable for me, but just at first. Then it was...transcendent. I’d never felt more connected to anyone in my life than I did in that moment with Tobias.
I’d even cried, it was so beautiful, and he only made it more so by kissing away my tears. He hadn’t been alarmed by the wet in my eyes. Instead he saw past that to the joy.
To the love.
And just like that I didn’t know how I would ever cope in a world where I didn’t get to have those moments with him. The thought of my future in Virginia loomed over me on the bed like a dark, weighty cloud ready to burst.
“I’m going to assume you think my poetry is brilliant,” he said, laughter dancing in the words.
I tried to check my sudden worry and teased, “You’ve missed your calling. Give up the rugby and become a regular at Pan.”
“They’d probably think I’m being brilliantly ironic.”
“Probably.” I bit my lip, wondering if I should mention the future. Then suddenly my lips parted and the words just burst out of me. “I’m applying to study at the University of Virginia after graduation.”
Tobias took a moment to answer. “I know that.”
I turned my head to look at him and he turned his to look at me. He caught the worry in my expression. “What is it, Com?”
“It’s my dream to study there. But now you’re my dream, too. What do I do?”
“Can’t you have both?”
“Can I? Would you move back to the States?” God, I wanted him to just say yes so I could have my cake and eat it, too!
He sighed. Heavily. “I can’t answer that just now. All I can concentrate on is getting back on track with school so that when I do figure out what I want, I’ll have options. But right now I don’t know what it is I want when I graduate. All I do know is that I want you.” He gave me a reassuring squeeze. “So can’t we just enjoy what we have right now, and worry about all that later?”