I was changing. It seemed as if I’d started to change from the moment Tobias and I became friends.
I could only hope I was changing for the better.
Because the truth was I still had so many insecurities regarding Tobias. Maybe it was because I felt so much for him that I worried so much more about how he felt about me. I’d barely slept the night before, listening to him breathe slow and easy, sleeping like a baby in my arms. The truth was I’d been caught in this place of absolute glee and absolute fear. Although we had admitted we wanted to be with each other, neither of us had said how we felt about the other. And Tobias...
Well, he hadn’t kissed me.
Yes, he held me while he slept, but there was nothing sexual about it. He didn’t even wake up with morning wood and, according to all the books I’d read, that was supposed to happen. Although...he had been exhausted, falling asleep almost immediately when we’d lain down on my bed last night. I’d read that exhaustion could affect a boy in that area.
Or maybe I’d just read the entire situation wrong?
No.
I couldn’t have.
There had been definite eye smoldering, and I knew from my extensive reading that eye smoldering was an important part of the mating ritual.
Then why hadn’t he kissed me?
Was he trying not to push me because he thought I was fragile? Was he worried about my reaction to his kiss after reading my poem about my first kiss with Ethan?
Oh God.
Well...to be fair I was a little worried about that, but I wanted to like Tobias’s kisses! And even if I didn’t, I’d already decided I’d put up with them just to be with him. I was totally willing to make that sacrifice.
Then there was the fact that as much as I wanted everything with Tobias, I was worried about our possible future together. When I was thirteen years old, I’d made the decision that I was going to university somewhere far away from my parents. After reading an online article about colleges best known for writing that were located in the States, I’d discovered the University of Virginia. I’d Googled what I could about it and fallen in love with the idea of studying there, and I’d become stubbornly focused on UVA. It was my dream college and I wasn’t ready to give up on that dream for anyone. Not even Tobias.
But if Tobias was here and I was there...where would that leave us?
I was seriously overthinking this, considering the boy hadn’t even kissed me yet!
This was all on my mind as Vicki invited me into her house. Even so I noticed her dad’s car wasn’t parked in the driveway, and it occurred to me that it was weird Vicki had been allowed to invite me over. It was a Sunday. Sundays were Family-Only Day at the Browns’.
Before I could question her about it, Vicki grabbed my wrist and hauled me into her room, then closed the door quickly behind us. “What happened?” she asked me all wide-eyed.
Chuckling at her eagerness I sat down on her bed, taking in the fact that her room was a colossal mess. The school had given her some funds to put together the costumes for the school play and it had clearly taken over her life. Thankfully, it got to go on her application for design school. Bolts of fabric were scattered over the floor, completed and half-finished costumes were hanging on doors, chairs, sprawled over blanket boxes. An almost completed 1920s flapper dress was on one of her mannequins with boxes of sequins and beading on the floor around it. I marveled at her artistry, wondering how she managed to create such wonderful pieces.
Her talent was out of this world. “That looks amazing.”
“Yeah, yeah, tell me what happened.” She shooed off my compliment.
I laughed at her eagerness and promptly told her what Tobias had explained to me once we’d dropped her off at home the night before. “So you see, he’s not into drugs. We’re going to meet up later with Stevie and try to talk some sense into him.”
“And if you can’t?” Vicki frowned in concern.
“I like Stevie. I’m worried for him, obviously. But I can’t get involved with someone who is involved with drugs. If I can’t talk him out of it, then I just have to make peace with the idea of leaving him to it. I can’t tell anyone at school, because Stevie could get put away in Young Offenders. I can’t tell his mum because she...is really ill at the moment and shouldn’t have to deal with it. Stevie’s seventeen. He’s nearly an adult. What else can I do but try to persuade him? Tobias told me he would walk away from Stevie, too, if he doesn’t stop. I didn’t get the impression this morning that he’d changed his mind about that.”
“Wait. What?” Vicki jumped down on the bed beside me, eyes round with excitement. “This morning?”
I laughed, enjoying being the one with something juicy to tell for once. “He slept over.”
“You slept together?” she squeaked.
I shushed her, afraid her mum would overhear us. “Just sleeping. He didn’t even kiss me.”
Confusion wrinkled her forehead. “He didn’t?”
Her reaction brought all my insecurities to the forefront. “I should be worried, shouldn’t I?”
“I’m not sure. Did he actually say out loud that he wanted to go out with you?”
Had he? “Well...no.” I shook my head, completely confused myself now. “But...it was implied. You had to be there.”
“Hmm.” My friend did not look convinced, and suddenly my heart was racing madly in my chest. “But you’re seeing him today?”
“With Stevie, yes.”
“When Stevie leaves, you have to ask Tobias straight out whether or not you’re dating. No way I’ll have him playing you, Com.”
Her protectiveness was sweet but I was not reassured. She seemed too easily ready to believe that I’d gotten Tobias wrong somehow. His reputation didn’t exactly lend itself to the idea of him being a good boyfriend, but I knew Tobias. I did.
A little annoyed with Vicki for making me doubt everything, and even more annoyed with myself for being so easily doubtful, I changed the subject to the one that didn’t make me annoyed with my friend. Only concerned. “Where’s your dad? His car isn’t in the driveway.”
For a moment Vicki just stared at me.
And then she burst into tears.
No buildup.
Just bawling.
I immediately wrapped my arms around her and drew her head to my shoulder, holding her tight as her body shook with her tears. “Vicki?” I eventually asked when her tears slowed.
She pulled away from me to wipe at her cheeks, blobs of mascara now congregating around the corners of her eyes. “He moved out, Comet.” She choked on the words, her lips trembling. “Weeks ago.”
Guilt slammed into me.
“That’s why I’ve been so mad at you. My dad’s gone, and I couldn’t even talk to you about it.”
“Oh God, Vick.” Tears filled my eyes now, “I’m so sorry. I’m such a horrible friend.”
“No.” She shook her head vigorously, her afro bouncing around her shoulders as if incongruous to her emotions, “We’ve both been crap friends. I could have just talked to you, told you, and I know that you would have made time and been there for me. I just... I needed someone to be mad at. I don’t want to be mad at them, because I don’t want to make things worse. They said it’s just a break, but I’m really worried that they’re never getting back together.” She reached for my hand and covered it with both of hers. “I’m sorry for taking it out on you.”
I hugged her again, my pulse beating fast for her. I wished I could take away her worries or carry them for her instead. The truth was I couldn’t really understand what it must feel like to worry about parents splitting up and a family being torn apart. However, I had always envied Vicki her life with her family. It hurt me that she might not have that special unity in her life anymore.
“They promise it’s not about me,” she sniffled, resting her head on my shoulder again. “They said they were frustrated with each other and taking it out on us. They said they didn’t want that, so they were taking some time apart. But I don’t know if I believe them—I think I might have caused this.”