It will not be strange if I now began to think, but alas! it was but
with very little solid reflection. I had a most unbounded stock of
vanity and pride, and but a very little stock of virtue. I did indeed
case sometimes with myself what young master aimed at, but thought of
nothing but the fine words and the gold; whether he intended to marry
me, or not to marry me, seemed a matter of no great consequence to me;
nor did my thoughts so much as suggest to me the necessity of making
any capitulation for myself, till he came to make a kind of formal
proposal to me, as you shall hear presently.
Thus I gave up myself to a readiness of being ruined without the least
concern and am a fair memento to all young women whose vanity prevails
over their virtue. Nothing was ever so stupid on both sides. Had I
acted as became me, and resisted as virtue and honour require, this
gentleman had either desisted his attacks, finding no room to expect
the accomplishment of his design, or had made fair and honourable
proposals of marriage; in which case, whoever had blamed him, nobody
could have blamed me. In short, if he had known me, and how easy the
trifle he aimed at was to be had, he would have troubled his head no
farther, but have given me four or five guineas, and have lain with me
the next time he had come at me. And if I had known his thoughts, and
how hard he thought I would be to be gained, I might have made my own
terms with him; and if I had not capitulated for an immediate marriage,
I might for a maintenance till marriage, and might have had what I
would; for he was already rich to excess, besides what he had in
expectation; but I seemed wholly to have abandoned all such thoughts as
these, and was taken up only with the pride of my beauty, and of being
beloved by such a gentleman. As for the gold, I spent whole hours in
looking upon it; I told the guineas over and over a thousand times a
day. Never poor vain creature was so wrapt up with every part of the
story as I was, not considering what was before me, and how near my
ruin was at the door; indeed, I think I rather wished for that ruin
than studied to avoid it.
In the meantime, however, I was cunning enough not to give the least
room to any in the family to suspect me, or to imagine that I had the
least correspondence with this young gentleman. I scarce ever looked
towards him in public, or answered if he spoke to me when anybody was
near us; but for all that, we had every now and then a little
encounter, where we had room for a word or two, an now and then a kiss,
but no fair opportunity for the mischief intended; and especially
considering that he made more circumlocution than, if he had known by
thoughts, he had occasion for; and the work appearing difficult to him,
he really made it so.