I saw her eyes soften. She stepped out onto the porch.
“What is it?” she asked, alert, the concern that was always in her words loud and clear.
My head shook back and forth. My stomach knotted. “He’s…” I cleared my throat. I stuffed my hands deeper into my pockets. My stare fell down to the worn boards of her porch. “He’s…”
“Lo. Talk to me.” She placed a comforting hand against my chest, over my heart. And without thought, my heart began to speed up from her touch. “What’s wrong?”
I opened my mouth, but choked on air. My body started to shake as I forced the words to leave my tongue. “When I was eleven, my dad made me sit in the pouring rain because I looked at him wrong. I was out there for over four hours, sitting on top of a milk carton, and he’d watch me from his window, making sure I wouldn’t move. And um… Kellan came over to drop off some things. He was only fifteen, but he knew Ma was going through one of her low points, so each day he’d stop by to check in on me. Bring me food. Clothes that he outgrew. When he came around the block and saw me sitting there, soaking wet, I saw his face turn red and his right hand formed a fist.
“I told him it was okay, but he ignored me. He pulled me up to the apartment and started shouting at my dad, calling him a deadbeat this and a deadbeat that. Which is crazy, right, because you know my dad. People don’t talk back to him; people don’t even look him in the eye. But Kellan did. He puffed out his chest, stared the son-of-a-bitch straight in the eye, and told him if he ever laid a hand on me, or made me do some crazy shit again, like stand in the rain, that he’d kill him. He didn’t mean it, ya know. Kellan wouldn’t hurt a fly. But he stood up to my biggest fear. He fought for me when I couldn’t. And my dad hit him.” I blew out a low breath, remembering. “He hit him hard, too. But Kellan stood up. Over and over again, he stood up. For me. He stood up for me. He’s always looked after me, ya know? He’s my big brother. He’s my…”
My head shook back and forth. My stomach knotted, pained. “He’s…” I cleared my throat and stuffed my hands deeper into my pockets. My stare fell down to my tattered shoestrings. “He’s… He’s dying.” I nodded my head, realizing that once those words left my lips, they became real. My brother, my hero, my world, was dying. “Kellan’s sick. He’s dying, High. He’s dying.” I shook uncontrollably, trying to fight the burning tears sitting in the back of my eyes. I wanted to shut up, I wanted to stop talking, but I couldn’t stop repeating the scariest words in the world. “He’s dying. He’s dying. Kellan’s dying.”
“Oh, Logan…”
“How long did you know? How long did you know he was sick? Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t… He’s dying…” I sobbed. Jesus, I was a mess. I was seconds away from slipping away. But then she reached out to me. She held me. Her arms wrapped around me and she didn’t speak. She just held on tight as I lost myself on her front porch that summer night.
For a moment we were us again. For a moment she was the fire that kept my cold heart warm at night. For a moment she was my savior. My safe haven. My bright, beautiful High.
But after the highs, always came the lows.
“What’s going on?” a deep voice asked from behind Alyssa, coming out of the house. I looked up as he spoke again. “Who’s this?”
He stood wearing a button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, slacks, and expensive-looking shoes. He stepped onto the porch as I stepped away from Alyssa, confused.
“Dan this is Logan, my…” She hesitated, because she didn’t know what we were, with good reason. The truth was we weren’t anything. We were the fleeting memories of something that once was. Nothing more, nothing less. “He’s an old friend.”
An old friend?
I loved you.
An old friend?
You changed me.
An old friend?
I miss you so fucking much.
“Is everything okay?” he asked.
Dan stepped closer to Alyssa with narrowed eyes. His hand sat on her shoulder in a protective manner, and for a split second I thought about slugging him for touching her. For placing his hand on my girl, but then I remembered.
She wasn’t mine.
She hadn’t been in years.
She shrugged his hand off of her.
I looked away.
“I’m gonna get going,” I laughed, but nothing was funny. I snapped the band on my wrist, walked down the steps, and listened to Alyssa call after me.
I ignored her.
I ignored the burning inside my soul, too.
The world never made promises, but I was certain it was always going to screw me over.
***
I sat up at the billboard, looking up at the stars shining in the sky. My eyelids were heavy, but I couldn’t go back to Kellan’s place. I couldn’t see him. I needed sleep, and for a while I’d considered just staying up high in the sky and taking a nap until the sun woke me up. But whenever I closed my eyes, I remembered a few hours earlier when TJ reinforced the worst news of my life.
My heart hurt more than hearts should’ve been allowed to.
He’s my brother…
I couldn’t imagine him not being there. And I hated myself in that moment. I hated myself because such a big part of me wanted to run away and find drugs. A big part of me wanted to pull out my cell phone and dial the numbers to the people I never needed to see again, to hook me up with some shit. A big part of me wanted to fall into the rabbit hole, because down that rabbit hole, feelings didn’t exist. Nothing was real when a person was in the rabbit hole, so the pain of reality never surfaced.
My legs bent, and I wrapped my arms around my knees.
I didn’t pray. I didn’t believe in God. But for a split moment, I considered being the hypocrite that began to that night.
My eyes closed, and I tilted my head up toward the sky.
The footsteps were quiet at first. Then the metal ladder began to slightly rock back and forth as she made her way to the top.
She was carrying a plastic bag, those tight jeans and the tank top, and the worry in her eyes remained.
She shrugged a little, no words needed, but me knowing that she was asking permission to join me. I shrugged back, and she knew it was a yes. As her footsteps grew closer, I felt my eyes stinging and my heart pounding. She sat on the left side of me, bent her legs, and wrapped her arms around her knees, just as I did. Our heads turned toward each other where our eyes met.