“I can’t sleep, Lo. Can you come over?”
Alyssa’s voice played like a recording in my mind, over and over again her sounds took voyage in my brain until I pushed her out.
Sadie combed her fingers through her long locks of hair. Her forced smile fell to a frown. “He probably isn’t home yet. I hated sleeping alone when I was single. And now that I’m in a relationship, I still feel alone.”
“Am I supposed to feel bad for you because you’re a cheater?” I asked.
“He doesn’t love me.”
“I can tell how much you love him, though,” I mocked.
“You don’t understand,” she defensively stated. “He’s controlling. He’s pushed everyone I ever cared about away from me. I used to be clean, like you are right now. I used to never fuck with drugs until I ran into him. He trapped me, and now when he does come home, he’ll smell like a perfume that I don’t own. He’ll climb into bed and not even touch me once.”
Thoughts started running through my head that I knew were a bad idea.
Stay with me tonight.
Stay with me in the morning.
Stay with me.
Loneliness was the voice in the back of your head that made you make bad decisions based solely on a broken heart.
“Does it feel weird? Being back here?” she asked, changing the subject. Smart move. A slow turn of her body and we were staring into one another’s eyes again. A crimson color affected her cheeks and I swore I felt my heart break with the mere idea of her being alone.
“A little.”
“Did you see Kellan yet?”
“You know my brother?”
“He plays at open mics around town. He’s really good, too.” I didn’t know he’d been playing music again. She arched an eyebrow, curious. “Are you two close?”
“I’ve been in Iowa for five years and he’s been here in Wisconsin.”
She nodded in understanding.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, we’re close.”
“Best friends?”
“Only friend.”
“I’m really freakin’ shocked about your friendship with Alyssa not lasting. I thought you would’ve had her knocked up or something by now.”
There was a time when I thought that, too.
Stop talking about Alyssa. Stop thinking about Alyssa.
Maybe if I stayed the night tonight with Sadie, I wouldn’t let Alyssa fill my mind. Maybe if I fell asleep with her in my arms, I wouldn’t overthink being back in the same place where the one girl who I’d ever loved still resided. Stepping closer to Sadie, I brushed my hand over my chin. “Look you can—”
“I shouldn’t,” she sighed, cutting me off. She was strange. Our stare broke as she looked to the ground. “He’s never cheated on me. He’s… He loves me.” Her sudden confession made my mind race.
She was a liar.
She was a cheater.
She’s leaving.
“Just stay.” I requested, and sounded more desperate than I wanted to. “I’ll sleep on the couch.” It wasn’t exactly a couch, but more of a broken down futon that had more stains than cushion. To be honest I’d probably be more comfortable on the dirty carpeted floor. Or, I could’ve called Kellan and slept at his place.
But I wasn’t ready for that.
The moment I saw someone from my past—someone I actually remembered—I knew I’d fall back into the old world. The world I ran from. The world that almost killed me. I wasn’t ready. How could one be ready to look their past in the eye and pretend that all of the hurt and pain was gone?
She slipped into her dress and glanced over her left shoulder toward me. Eyes filled with compassionate sorrow. “Zip me?”
It only took three footsteps before I was standing behind her, zipping up her dress that hugged every curve of her body. My hands rested against her waist and she leaned back against me.
“Can you call me a cab?”
I could and I did. The moment she left, she thanked me, and told me that I could stay the night at the motel—she had already paid and it shouldn’t have gone to waste. I took her up on the offer, but I wasn’t sure why she thanked me. I didn’t do anything for her. If anything, I made her a cheater.
No.
A first time cheater probably felt some kind of guilt.
She just felt empty.
I hoped I never saw her again, because being around other empty individuals was draining.
After she left, I paced the motel room for an hour. Were there other people out there like me? Other people who felt so alone that they would rather spend meaningless nights with meaningless people just to have a few hours of staring into someone else’s eyes?
I hated being alone, because when I was alone, I was reminded of all the things I hated about myself. I remembered all of my past mistakes that brought me to the point where instead of living, I simply existed. If I truly lived life, I’d end up hurting anyone that came near me, and I couldn’t do that anymore. That meant I had to be alone.
In the past, I was never alone when I had my drugs—my silent, deadly, destructive friends. I was never alone when I had my greatest high.
Alyssa…
Shit.
My mind was messing with me, the palms of my hands itching. I tried to watch television, but there was only reality garbage on the screen. I tried to draw for a while, but the pen in the room had no ink. I tried to shut off my brain, but I kept thinking about the best high I ever had.
When would I see her?
Would I see her at all?
Of course. Her sister’s marrying my brother.
Did I want to see her?
No.
I didn’t.
God.
I did.
I wanted to hold her, yet at the same time never touch her again.
I wanted to kiss her, yet at the same time never remember her curves.
I wanted to…
Shut up, brain.
Lifting my cell phone, I held down the number two. The voice was different that time, but the greeting was the same. They thanked me for calling the drug and alcohol hotline. They welcomed me to talk about my current struggles and urges in a confidential setting.
I hung up, like always.
Because people like me, with a past like mine, didn’t deserve help. They deserved seclusion.
My steps moved to the balcony, and I lit a cigarette, resting it against a dry spot on the ground. I listened to the rain hammer against the town of True Falls, and my eyes shut. I took a deep breath, and allowed myself to hurt for the short period that the cigarette burned.