She looked away from him. He seldom missed a chance to remind her of her ill-founded allegations against him. She pushed the stinging memory of that humiliating day away and struggled to think of a sufficiently respectable matron to accompany her as chaperone. “I suppose I could ask Sedric’s sister Sophie. But I have heard she is with child and in delicate health, not disposed to visit, let alone travel.”
“Ah. Her husband, I see, is far more fortunate than I am in that regard. And your health, Alise?”
“My health is excellent,” she replied pointedly.
Hest shook his head in disappointment. He cleared his throat and then asked wryly, “I am to assume, then, that our latest efforts have come to naught?”
“I’m not pregnant,” she said bluntly. “I assure you if I were it would be the first piece of news I would give you.” She stopped short of asking him how he could possibly imagine she would be pregnant. He’d been away three months, and in the two months he had been home prior to that, he’d visited her bedchamber exactly twice. The infrequency and brevity of his performances were more relief than disappointment now. He visited her, she thought, with the regularity of a man performing a scheduled task, and with all the enthusiasm. Sometimes she wondered if he kept a ledger of his efforts. She imagined him ticking an item on his social calendar. Attempted impregnation. Results still in doubt. It humiliated her now to recall her brief and girlish infatuation with him before their wedding.
In the months and then years that had passed since she had realized that neither love nor lust would have a place in her marriage, she had never denied herself anything in her quest for knowledge. To balance that, she had never denied Hest on the occasions when he came to her chambers to assert his marital rights. She had never wept over his lack of romantic interest in her, nor tried to charm him into changing his mind. She had made only two failed and shameful attempts to pique his sexual interest in her. She did not allow herself to dwell on those humiliating memories. They had prompted him to a mocking cruelty that had branded those two nights forever in her memory. No. Better to submit, almost ignore his efforts, for then his ser vices to her remained brief and perfunctory.
After each visit that he paid her, he waited until she had reported the failure of it before he visited her again. Only twice in the five years that they had been married had she announced a pregnancy. Each time, Hest had greeted the event with great excitement, only to express his frustration and annoyance with her when, a few months later, she had miscarried.
So Hest now greeted her blunt dashing of his hopes with only a small sigh. “Then we shall have to try again.”
She quietly considered the weapon he had just handed her, and then, coldly, employed it. “Perhaps when I return from the Rain Wilds. To undertake such a journey while pregnant might endanger the birth. So I think we shall wait until I return before we make another attempt.”
She saw her target quiver. His voice was stronger, touched with indignation as he demanded, “Do not you think that producing a son and heir is more important than this harebrained journey of yours?”
“I am not sure that you think so, dear Hest. Certainly, if it were of the highest importance to you, you might make more frequent efforts in that area. And perhaps forgo some of your own journeys and late-night engagements.”
He clenched his hands and turned away from her to stare out of the window. “I am only trying to spare your feelings. I am aware that well-bred women do not suffer a man’s needs willingly.”
“Dear husband, do you infer that I am not ‘well-bred’? For I would agree with you. Some women of my acquaintance would think me absolutely ‘unbred’ were I to share the details of our private life with them.” Her heart thundered in her chest. Never before had she dared to speak so pointedly to him. Never before had she voiced anything that might be construed as a criticism of his efforts.
The jab made him turn back to her. The daylight behind him put his features into darkness. She tried to read his voice as he said, “You would not do that.” Plea? Threat?
Time to gamble. She suddenly had the feeling that she must risk it all now or concede defeat forever. She smiled at him and kept her voice calmly conversational. “It would be easiest not to do that if I were away from my usual companions. If, for instance, I went off on a journey to the Rain Wilds, to observe the dragons.”
There had been a few times in their marriage when they had dueled like this, but not many. Even fewer were the times when she had won. Once, it had been over a particularly expensive scroll she had purchased. She had offered to return it and let the seller know that her husband could not afford it. Then, as now, she had seen him pause, calculate, and then revise his opinion of her and his options. He canted his head as he considered her, and she wished suddenly that she could see his face more clearly. Did he know how uncertain she felt just now? Could he see the timid woman cowering behind her bold bluff?