I’ma knock him in his damn head.

The doctor visit was one for the books. First, my doctor is ten minutes older than dirt. Poor thing, I don’t think she was ready for Damien’s brand of nutty. He asked a million questions that left even her flustered. To hear him tell it I was ready to give birth any day now. Meanwhile the little pin was barely a few weeks old, bless his heart. She was cool though and didn’t laugh in his face when he asked her if I should be walking up and down stairs or if we should move into a room in the lower half of the house for the duration. I didn’t get a word in edgewise; the man was off his nut.

I had to bite my tongue when he started asking about sex. I thought for sure he’d be too embarrassed to ask an elderly lady old enough to be his grandma if it was okay to carry on having sex. Lucky for her she said yes because if they’d messed with my dick intake there would’ve been an uprising.

Next it was back to the house, oh excuse me ‘Fort Knox’. There were men moving about doing who knows what. I waited until he was preoccupied to sneak and listen to the messages from the day before. The first couple started out calm enough but as time went on the bat-shit came through. First she wanted to know what we were doing, if we wanted to go shopping. Then it was her feelings were hurt because he was ignoring her. Not one mention of yours truly. I guess she figured since she’d let it all hang out and told everyone what she really thought of me that it was now okay to pretend I no longer existed.

The screeching started at around call number ten and that’s when I got my first mention. It was almost sad that she couldn’t see she was digging the hole deeper for herself. I’m guessing I was the tart in question who was destroying her life. I heard him calling for me and skedaddled.

“No running baby, what were you doing?”

“Oh nothing what’s up?”

“Officer Neill called, the prints don’t match any they have on file and since it’s considered a domestic issue their hands are tied.”

“What, what does that mean?” he hung his head and rubbed his face.

“It means that there isn’t much they can do.”

“SHE’S NOT KEEPING MY NANA’S RING.” I was crying and screaming all at once. I wanted to go knock that bitch’s head clean off, but I just knew that shit would get my ass thrown in jail.

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“Calm down sweetie I’ll get you your ring back. How the fuck did this become my life?”

“Que? your life? try living it from my end. You got twenty-four hours to get my shit back, plus the money for my drawers that panty snatcher filched or I’ma open up a can a whoop ass on her like you won’t believe.”

He came up the stairs and hugged me. “I don’t think you’re supposed to be getting this upset babe, I said I’ll handle it.”

“I want her in jail, RIGHT NOW.” I got a kiss on my forehead and a grin.

“You’re cute when you’re being crazy.”

“You think this is crazy? You’ll see crazy when I put that bitch’s house on the market right out from under her.” She thinks I don’t know that her father had left the house she now lived in to hubby. Hah, we’ll see how much she liked having to move out of her family estate that she was so fond of.

“Vanessa I don’t need this shit right now…” He was talking to air because I was gone.

It burned me up that I couldn’t get back at her, that she could just waltz into my home and go through my shit and the asshole law said I couldn’t do anything about it. No way in hell she was getting away with this shit. This is war. I made sure it was safe before using his phone to call her. I know her black little stump of a heart would go pitter-patter when she saw that it was him calling.

“Well it’s about time I thought for sure…”

“Listen you demented sea gnome, I know you have my ring. If I don’t have it back by end of day tomorrow I’m gonna take out a restraining order against you. Think about that, you won’t be able to set foot anywhere near our home again and I’d be sure to attach my ass to my husband wherever he goes so that’s out.” I hung up before she could answer. I had no idea if I could really do that because the law seemed to be made up by fuckwits; but haggie was dumb as a door post so I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t know either.




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