Until Jake.
He kept the kiss soft but short. I had a feeling that was out of consideration for me. I knew he didn’t want to push me, but when he pulled away, I felt the emptiness between us. It was like a crater had been left in the space he just occupied, cold and dark and empty. The rush in my veins was similar to the feeling I got after riding his bike wrapped around the back of him.
I wanted more.
More what? What was I capable of giving him? Could I take it further?
I had no idea. I just knew I wanted more of him.
“Jake, what are we doing?” I asked, breathless from the smallest of kisses.
“I am sitting on a beach, holding a very beautiful girl,” he said. I don’t think I was ever going to get used to him calling me beautiful. I had to remind myself he was only calling me beautiful because he hadn’t seen all of me. “And you?”
“No, really,” I persisted. “What are we doing?”
He was still confused. “Kissing?”
“Jake.”
He smirked. “I like the way you say my name.”
And, I thought I was the President of the United States of Avoidance.
“You know what I mean. With us. What’s going on with us? It’s important. I need to know now because at some point I’m not going to be able to give you what you want. And then what?”
He nuzzled his nose into my neck. “What is it you think I want?”
“Normal boy-girl stuff,” I said throwing my hands in the air. I felt defeated before this line of conversation had even gotten started.
“That’s where you’re wrong. I don’t want normal. I want you.” He smiled down at me. “And we do normal stuff. We kiss.” To prove his point he gave me a quick peck on the lips and smiled.
“What happens when a kiss isn’t enough?”
“Abby, just a few days ago you flinched anytime anyone touched you, and look at us now.”
I did look at us. I was sitting in between his legs, his chin rested on my shoulder, my hands on his thighs. “I still flinch when it comes to other people,” I said. My aversion to Jake may have no longer existed, but I still wanted to stroke-out if anyone else came within my personal space.
“But you don’t flinch when I touch you anymore, and that’s what counts.”
“I like it when you touch me,” I whispered, the very words were hard to say. “But I can’t even…” I pulled at the hem of my sleeves. I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t know if I would ever be able to allow him to see under my clothes.
Naked.
Ever.
“You can’t even what?”
“Show you,” I said. “I can’t show you... me.”
“Why don’t you just tell me about it, talk to me? Will that make it easier?” He was so much more understanding than I thought he’d be. “Instead of showing me what you think is so bad, you can just tell me.”
“I can’t,” I said. It was locked so tight in my memory it was a floodgate I wasn’t ready to open. Not just for Jake, but for me. I needed it to stay where I’d stored it for the last eight years.
“You will when you’re ready,” Jake said confidently.
“I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready,” I told him. “There is a possibility that I’ll just be broken forever. I’m not just hiding my body, Jake. I’m pushing the memories out by not showing you what my past has done to me. It’s my way of holding on.” I shivered. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to just let it go.”
Jake smiled like he’d just accepted a challenge. “Bee, if you feel even a tiny bit of the attraction I feel when I’m around you, just a small amount of how bad I want you…” He kissed the spot behind my ear and flicked his tongue on my neck. Tingles traveled through my skin, sending messages to every part of my neglected body. “Then, taking our clothes off in front of each other is inevitable. It’s human nature. It’s us.” Jake seemed so sure of himself, but what he was saying sounded almost impossible to me.
“I think we both know we don’t exactly fit the human nature mold.”
“No, we don’t fit any mold. But, where you are concerned, it’s simple.” He kissed along my jaw line. “I want you, Abby. No bullshit. I want you just the way you are.” He moved his lips to the corner of my mouth and brushed them over my face as he spoke. I closed my eyes and my lips parted in anticipation. “I would very much like to see that body of yours, but there is no rush. We won’t do anything you’re not ready for.” He moved his hands to cup my ass through my shorts. “But damn, baby, waiting will be brutal.” He kissed me again.