“Now try not to tense up.”
Ha, seriously?
“Here we go.”
Oh. God. Did he need to count down?
“Turn your head and—cough.”
“Mother of God!” I shouted, hitting my hands against the metal table as the doctor made his intentions perfectly clear.
“Cough!” he shouted.
“Stop yelling at me!”
“I’m not yelling!”
“I want to go home now.”
“Almost done!” The doctor laughed uncomfortably.
I choked when he removed his digits from my special place. I had one of those moments, the kind where you feel so used you’re not sure whether you should cry or laugh.
“All right! You can put your pants back on.”
I felt ashamed. Like I’d just been screwed and not even offered dinner for my gallant efforts in the bedroom. Holy shit, was this what girls felt like after one-night stands?
Where the hell were my flowers?
At least give me a sucker or something . . . maybe a sticker? Saying I got . . . never mind. Those types of stickers were probably illegal.
“Now.” The doc took off his gloves and washed his hands.
Right. LIKE I WAS UNCLEAN!
He put on a new pair.
And the torture train just kept tooting.
Ha, tooting, see, it’s funny because . . . never mind.
“I’ll just need to draw some blood.” He pulled out a giant-ass needle and I had one of those moments that I’m sure every five-year-old experiences right before his mom holds him down while he gets a needle in the ass.
Terror.
“This won’t hurt a bit.” He laughed nervously.
HOLY SHIT, STOP LAUGHING!
I winced as he pricked my arm and started drawing blood. His lips were moving but I wasn’t really catching anything.
“All donnne.” His voice was low. Why was he talking so slow?
“Youuu cannn gooo noowww.”
I shook my head and tried to go to the door but was met with total blackness before I took two steps.
The last thought in my head?
I was trapped in a room with a man who’d just seen my Mighty Max. I hoped to God he hadn’t liked it.
CHAPTER THREE
MAX
So apparently they do still give suckers. But the catch is you have to cry really hard in order to receive one. Either that or you have to pass out. I sucked the lollipop and winced as I slowly walked out the doors and toward the waiting car.
Jason was listening to music and tapping the steering wheel.
My balls were sad.
Really, that was all there was to it. I could sugarcoat it and say I was man enough to survive the exam, but I swear to all that is holy, I would never be the same. I’d probably shriek every time I saw an old man with large hands.
It had taken ONE experience to classically condition me to hate grandparents everywhere.
“So.” Jason cleared his throat. “Sorry for running out on you.”
“He touched me,” I whispered.
“I know, man . . .” Jason coughed. “I just, I panicked. No man should have to . . .”
“He yelled at me.”
“Max—”
“I said, I said . . .” I started rocking back and forth. “I said I wanted to go home.” My teeth clacked together as I started sweating. “And at night. When I go to sleep. I’ll see those hands, Jason. I’ll see both of them.”
Jason cleared his throat. “I, uh, I sort of got something for you.”
“You did?” I blinked away the fear and watched as Jason handed me a paper bag.
Curious, I opened it and smirked. A six-pack of beer and chocolate.
“The, uh . . .” Jason scratched his head. “The chocolate has a flower on it, you know, kind of like . . . special chocolate.”
My eyes welled with tears. “You did this for me?”
Jason nodded and patted my back. “He didn’t even ask for your middle name before doing—what he did. What type of doctor does that?”
“A monster.” I started unwrapping my special chocolate.
“Yeah, well.” Jason put the car in drive. “We’ll get you drunk enough that you won’t remember.”
“God, let’s hope so.” I polished off the chocolate and cracked open a can of beer.
“Dude!” Jason smacked me. “No open containers.”
I stared at him. And downed the whole thing. Then opened a second. “You were saying, Officer?”
“You know I can arrest you, right?”
“Do it. I’ll just tell everyone you went with me to a prostate exam—and liked it!”
“You wouldn’t!”
“You know that bus—the one that keeps running me over? I’d chain myself to you, no hesitation. So you should really think through all your choices, Jason. Revenge is a bitch.”
He pulled up to Colt and Milo’s house. “Believe me, I know.”
“Hey!” I pointed to all the cars parked in the driveway. “Are we having a party?”
“Yup!”
Smiling, I grabbed the rest of my beer and waltzed through the front door.
“Congratulations!” Milo started jumping up and down, then threw her arms around my neck. Panicking, I pushed her away.
Colt pried her arms from me and held her back. “Careful, babe, he’s been with the doctor.”
“HE TOLD YOU!” I yelled.
Colt smiled. “So, got any STDs?”