She shook her head.
“She wanted kids and I didn’t.”
“Oh. Wow.”
“We didn’t argue much, but when we did, it always came back to that. We tried to discuss it reasonably, but eventually she’d tell me I was being a selfish son of a bitch by not giving her a child, and I’d tell her to go to her room and write an essay on the problems with overpopulation.” He sighed. “One day I told her if she wanted a kid so badly, she could just find someone willing to give her one. She looked me straight in the eyes and said she would. She moved out that afternoon. I kept waiting for her to come back. She never did.”
His eyes held a pain his normal personality hid. It’d been close to six months since they had broken up, and he was still hiding the hurt. She wondered how long it would take for the pain to ease and knew there was no easy answer. Jeff had broken things off with her more than three years ago and her heart still hurt when she thought about him.
“Do you wish you could take it back?” she asked. “The things you said that day?”
He smiled. Just barely. “That’s a question I ask myself every day. Would I do it differently if I had the chance? Should I have done it differently?” He shook his head. “I don’t know.”
She had asked herself the same question after Jeff took his collar back. If she had it to do over, would she have moved out? Looking back with the knowledge she’d gained in the years since, she didn’t think she would have. She liked to think that she would have stayed with Jeff, found a way to talk with him about her grief and guilt. If she had done that, they would probably still be together today.
She tilted her head. “You wouldn’t have changed your mind about having a baby, though, right?”
“No.” Cole’s sigh was a sad combination of grief and resolution. “No. I wouldn’t have changed my mind. I’m not having children. I just think maybe I could have handled it better.”
“I miscarried four years ago.” She made the confession before she could think about what she was going to say and change her mind. “Jeff and I got pregnant unexpectedly and the baby died at nineteen weeks.”
His eyes widened, and he looked like she’d knocked the wind out of him. “Damn, Dena. I’m sorry. Here I am talking about not wanting a child and you lost one.”
“No. It’s okay. I only brought it up because it was after that that Jeff and I got in trouble and ended up splitting up. When I think about it now, I wish I had handled it better. Differently.”
He nodded. “Sad to live a life filled with regrets.”
“Yes, but don’t you see? There were two people in the relationship. It didn’t just fall apart because of something you did. And if you can think of things you would have done differently, I’m sure Kate can, too.”
“I’m sure of it, but that doesn’t change the fact that children aren’t an area you can compromise on.” He snorted as if remembering something. “And though I’m somewhat of a—what’s the word? Oh, yes: ‘badass.’ Even though I’m a badass in the playroom, I’d like to think I’m a reasonable man otherwise.”
They caught each other’s gaze, and for a few seconds the room hummed with anticipation. Dena gave him a once-over. He was undoubtedly a breathtakingly handsome man. His dark brown hair was just long enough to curl slightly at his collar. His eyes were a deep bluish green that could change from warm to cold and unyielding in seconds. But it was the sculpted cheekbones and angular jaw that set apart his face and made him look so uniquely handsome.
His lips curled into a seductive smile, and she realized he’d been appraising her, too.
“Why have we never played together, Dena?” His voice was a promise of pleasure and sin that wrapped her in a warmth she’d never thought she’d feel again.“Seriously?” She was surprised at how husky her laugh sounded.
He took her hand. She didn’t stop him. “The playroom is empty and I have all afternoon. Would you like to join me there?” His thumb stroked her palm. “I can give you pleasure, Dena. Allow you to forget for a while.”
His words made her shiver. She bet he could, and she let herself imagine it. He would be tough and demanding, probably more so than Jeff. Cole promised an afternoon of sexual delights with no strings. She was so tempted.
“I don’t know,” she confessed.
He stroked her cheek with his knuckles and she leaned in to his touch. “When was the last time you played? And not in a training scene.”
“Almost two weeks ago. With Jeff. You?” She wouldn’t allow him to hide; if he demanded truth from her, he could offer the same.
“There were several willing submissives in India.”
Of course there were. She was willing to bet he rarely had an empty bed if he wanted company. Unlike her bed, which was perpetually empty.
He was a knowledgeable and experienced Dominant, one who promised a few hours of stolen pleasure. His touch would be nothing like the mentees she worked with under Daniel’s supervision. Maybe an hour or two with Cole was exactly what she needed.
Telling herself she wasn’t going to think too much about it, she stood up and dropped to her knees beside his chair. She closed her eyes when he stroked her hair. The touch brought to mind faint echoes of Jeff. Cole’s hand was rougher, but with her eyes closed, it might be easy enough to pretend.
“What are your limits?”
“Master Covington has a copy of my checklist in his office.”
The hand in her hair tightened. “I didn’t ask for your checklist, sub. I asked what your limits are. And I expect to be addressed as ‘Sir.’”
She nearly groaned. Yes. This was what she needed. His response was similar to what Jeff’s would have been. “Sorry, Sir. Blood play, breath play, knives, body fluids, and fisting are hard limits.”
“Noted. I’ll discipline you for those two trespasses once we make it into the playroom. What’s your safe word?”
“Win—”
She froze.
When she played with Jeff, they used “wings.” Whenever she played with someone else, she used “red.” That she almost gave Cole “wings” as her safe word stunned her. She looked up at him in shock.
“Dena?” he asked with a puzzled look on his face.