It would hardly be too much to say that the positive wretchedness of
actually witnessing the child's death was doubled in these its imaginary
repetitions on that still more suffering night of waking dreams, when
every solemn note of the cathedral clock, every resolute proclamation
from its fellow in the town hall, every sharp reply from the domestic
timepiece in the Deanery fell on her ears, generally recalling her
at least to full consciousness of her identity and whereabouts, and
dispelling the delusion.
But, then, what comfort was there? Veritably she had caused suffering
and death; she had led to the peril of Fanny's children; she had
covered her mother with shame and grief! Nay, in her exaggerated tone of
feeling, she imagined that distress and poverty might have been entailed
on that beloved mother. Those title deeds--no intelligence. Captain
Keith had taken no notice. Perhaps he heard and believed those degrading
reports! He had soul enough to pity and sympathize with the failure of
extended views of beneficence; he despised the hypocrisy that had made
charity a cloak for a credulous debasing attachment, and to such an
object! He might well avoid her! His sister had always bantered her
on what had seemed too absurd to be rebutted, and, at any rate, this
fainting fit would clench his belief. No doubt he believed it. And if he
did, why should not every one else whose opinion she cared for: Ermine,
her Colonel, even gentle Fanny--no, she would never believe any harm,
she had suffered too much in her cause.
Oh, for simple genuine charity like Fanny's, with eyes clear with
innocence and humility! And now what was before her? should she ever be
allowed to hide her head, or should she be forced again to brave that
many-eyed world? Perhaps the title-deed business would prove utter ruin.
It would have been acceptable to herself, but her mother and sister!
Chastisement! Yes, it was just chastisement for headstrong folly and
conceit. She had heard of bending to the rod and finding it a cross, but
here came the dreadful confusion of unreality, and of the broken habit
of religious meditation except as matter of debate. She did not know
till her time of need how deeply sneers had eaten into her heart. The
only text that would come to her mind was, "And in that day they shall
roar against them like the roaring of the sea; and if one look unto
the land, behold darkness and sorrow, and the light is darkened in
the heavens thereof." Every effort at prayer or at calm recall of old
thoughts still ended in that desolate verse. The first relief to these
miserable dreams was the cool clear morning light, and by-and-by
the early cathedral bells, then Grace's kind greeting made her quite
herself; no longer feverish, but full of lassitude and depression. She
would not listen to Grace's entreaties that she would remain in bed. No
place was so hateful to her, she said, and she came down apparently not
more unwell than had been the case for many days past, so that after
breakfast her mother saw no reason against leaving her on the sofa,
while going out to perform some commissions in the town, attended,
of course, by Grace. Miss Wellwood promised that she should not be
disturbed, and she found that she must have been asleep, for she was
taken by surprise by the opening of the door, and the apologetic face
of the butler, who told her that a gentleman had asked if she would see
him, and presented the card of "Captain Alexander Keith."