I hop off with him and land in the snow. ‘But what if you’re wrong? What if we drive all the way out there and I freak out and can’t do it?’
He offers me one of my favorite smiles. ‘Then I guess I’ll get to spend some time with you.’
‘You spend all the time with me, pretty much, now.’
‘Now I’ll get more.’ He tugs on my arm and pulls me through the snow toward his truck and I reluctantly drag my feet as I follow after him. When he feels the weight of my walk, he pauses and looks at me. ‘Baby, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. I would never make you do anything you don’t want to.’
‘I know you wouldn’t.’ I stand there in the middle of the snow, holding his hand, terrified out of my mind. I’ve dealt with so much stuff lately I’m not sure if I’m ready for this. But then again, if I don’t do it now then I’ll just think about how I didn’t do it and it’ll drive me mad and I’ll disappoint myself. ‘No, I’m ready,’ I say, then pull him toward the truck, so that I’m the one choosing to do this.
Because in the end, it has to be my choice.
Two hours, five Eagles songs, and one ‘Songs that Remind me of Violet’ mixed tape later, we’re pulling up to the cemetery I’ve been dreading coming to. It’s bad enough in my dreams, but seeing it in real life it’s …
‘It’s so empty and quiet,’ I whisper, as I press my face to the window and stare out at the frosted ground dotted with headstones.
Luke puts the truck in park and leaves the engine running. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’ he asks.
I shake my head with hesitancy. ‘No, this is something I have to do on my own.’
It takes me at least fifteen minutes to get out of the truck, but Luke waits patiently in my silence never questioning or pushing me, one of the things that I love about him. Finally, I get the door open and step out into the snow. It takes me another ten minutes before I actually make it through the gate and into the cemetery itself.
This is the first time I’ve ever stepped foot into a cemetery since I was five years old. The air is cold, the trees leafless, the headstones all a painful reminder of why I’m here – who I’m here to see. Lana told me that it would be good for me. That it’d be healthy to finally face this milestone in my life. That I’ve been doing so well and that maybe it’s time, not necessarily to say goodbye to my parents, but to accept that they’re gone and that I’m still alive and that that is okay.
I don’t even know how I find their headstones so easily. Maybe it’s my subconscious or maybe I just luck out, but it only takes me a few minutes of wandering around before I see two Hayes’ tombstones, side by side.
I sit down in front of them, in the snow, even though it’s freezing. I trace hearts patterns in the frost, avoid saying anything for the longest time, but then it all comes spilling out suddenly.
‘I used to be so lost.’ I pick at the frostbitten grass as the wind dances around me. ‘In fact, I’ve been lost since you guys had to go, up until a month or so ago.’
‘It might sound weird,’ I say. ‘But I felt like if I let myself have direction, have purpose, let people into my life, care for them, that eventually it would all be taken away from me and I’d be left alone again, drowning in my pain. In the weather, the words of the people around me, in the eyes of others.’ I scoop up a handful of snow and let it slowly slip from my fingertips. ‘I used to be so good at masking off my emotions. I had these little tricks, ways to numb myself to the point that anything I was feeling inside was overpowered by an emotion much stronger than any other. Fear. The fear of death. Although, I worked a little different.’
I let the grass go in my hand, sit back and utter words I’ve never dared to truly say aloud before. ‘Death wasn’t so much a thrill as a panicking thrill to me. Was I terrified of dying?’ I consider the question and admit the truth. ‘I thought I wasn’t – thought I was fearless. But it turns out I wasn’t … turns out I didn’t want to die. It took me a while and a lot of self-torture to realize that. That really what I wanted was what I was most afraid of.’
Tears sting my eyes as emotions prick inside me but I let them come because I know that eventually they calm down and I’ll survive through it. ‘Things haven’t been so easy for me, mostly because of my own doing. I guess that’s what I’ve learned over the last few months … Lana told me that’s what I was supposed to do here,’ I mutter. ‘Admit what I’ve learned – how I’ve healed.’ I pause, gathering all the strength I have in me. I have to glance over my shoulder at Luke in his truck and that gives me the extra boost I need. ‘What I’ve learned is that I wasn’t just pushing myself toward death. That I put a wall up around myself to keep me away from everyone, so I wouldn’t have to feel anything because no one can hurt you if they don’t know you, right? That was my motto in life. I think it partly came from being passed through foster family after foster family, but some of it stemmed from the fact that I experienced a loss so great that I never wanted to feel it again.’
I start to choke up and the letters on the headstone become blurry, beginning to melt away. ‘But I’m getting better. I can’t take all the credit, though. I’ve got some great friends and a boyfriend who help me every single day. I’m even going to a therapist. It’s crazy, but for once things actually feel okay.’ I raise my wrist and pull back my sleeve, showing that I have the bracelet with Sempre on it. ‘I’ve been doing a little research and found out that you guys went to Italy for your honeymoon because dad has a little bit of Italian in him. I’m not sure how mom got the bracelet exactly, but I’d like to think that you gave it to her while you were there. It seems like such a nice story.’ I lower my hand to my lap and let the tears pour out, knowing that my story will always be just a story, that I’ll never know for sure, but that there’s nothing I can do about that but accept it and hold onto what I do have – my life.
With tears still flowing from my eyes, I lean forward and press my hand to my mother’s headstone. ‘I do miss you … God, I miss you …’ The tears flood my eyes, overpowering me. My initial reaction is to force them back, stop them, but it’s why I’m here. Live and learn. I move my hand to my father’s next and start to sob. ‘I wish you could be here to meet everyone … I wish a lot of things … but I guess that’s another thing that I’ve learned. Wishes are just wishes. Destiny is just destiny. And neither really has control over your life. Shit happens, shapes our lives, but it doesn’t have to shape who we are. And I’m trying now, to be a daughter you can both be proud of.’ I suck in another breath and say the last thing I need to say. ‘I love you both. I’ll love you forever.’