“I – I – please if you’d just listen to me, let me explain –”
“No!” his voice like thunder, eyes blazing. “I can’t listen to you anymore!”
I start at level of his rage. “I’m so sorry,” I sob still desperately clinging to his arm. “But I’m still me. The me you said you were crazy about. The me you said you wanted to be with.”
He stares at me eyes, filled with contempt. And then for a split second I see a glimmer of warmth there before it dies, fracturing into a million pieces, a kaleidoscope of darkness that may never again be fixed.
“Still you!” he says incredulously. “I don’t even know who the fuck you are!”
Then he pulls his arm free from my hand and walks out the door.
Chapter 15
Don’t Go Away
James hasn’t come home.
He’s been gone hours. Well, three hours and thirty five minutes, to be exact.
And I just sat there on the sofa for all of those three hours and thirty five minutes, waiting, torturing myself, crying my eyes dry.
And now, finally out of tears, I’m stood here in the garden, contemplating what I know I have to do.
It’s time for me to go home. I have to go to the one place I know Arlo will visit, so he can take me back.
I can’t continue on like this. I’m not human. I’m just residing in the shell of what represents one, and no matter how much I may want to be human. I never will be.
It was a really nice dream to have whilst it lasted, but now it’s time to let go – let him go.
The pain tightens around me, confining me to it, and I know this is how I will always feel from now on, so I had better get used to it.
The night sky is casting its shadows across James’ beautiful creations.
I usually love the night, the glowing moon, the twinkling stars, but now it just seems so black, so bleak – so utterly, compellingly depressing, and I fit right in to it like the missing piece of a puzzle.
I gaze at the spot where James first kissed me.
I close my eyes and let the memory blanket me, remembering exactly how his lips felt on mine, how his touch warmed and fired inside me, how one smile on his lips sent every particle of me into a complete frenzy and how, when I was with him, when he was near, he was all I knew, was all that mattered.
From the very first moment I saw James, he changed me irreversibly, turned me from an empty shell, into something more. He made me someone, someone that mattered – for a time.
Nothing will ever be the same again and I don’t regret one second of it.
I can’t even begin to think about how much I’m going to miss him, and no matter how much this is crushing me, I know it’s time for me to go.
I force my feet to move, and turn to see James lent up in the doorway, watching me.
I falter at the sight of him. “I – I thought you weren’t coming back,” I stammer. My voice sounds hoarse like it hasn’t been used for days.
“Well I do live here,” he shrugs. “I had to come back sometime.”
I say nothing, feeling foolish.
We stand in silence just looking at one another. He looks exhausted. I debate with myself whether I should just leave but now, faced with him, I can bring myself to move.
“Where have you been?” I finally ask, even though I know have no right to.
“Sat in the work van across the road.” He laughs self-mockingly, tapping the pot on his leg. “Couldn’t get very far with this thing on.”
Across the road in his van. Why didn’t I even consider that he hadn’t gone far, that he couldn’t? I feel like kicking myself.
“James, I want to say I’m so sorry – for everything –”
“Is this the truth,” he cuts me off. “Are you absolutely one hundred percent telling me the fucking truth?”
I nod. “Yes.”
He regards me for a moment, eyes intense on mine.
“I never meant to hurt you,” I say, knowing my words are as feeble as my voice sounds.
He rubs his hands over this face, and sighs. “I’ve been going over, and over this in my mind and I just can’t get my head round it. It’s just – I don’t know – really fucking surreal.”
“I know how hard it must be for you.”
His eyes snap up at me. “Do you? Do you really? Because honestly, I don’t think you even comprehend just how big a fucking bombshell this is to drop on me, especially after everything we talked about, after everything we’ve said to one another.” He closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath.
My eyes start to sting.
“I have some questions,” he states calmly.
“Okay,” I say nervously, unsure as just what to expect.
He crosses his arms over his chest. “You said you were with my dad after he died?”
“Yes.”
“Was he – is he okay?”
“Yes, he’s fine.” I wipe away a stray tear. “He loves you a lot, you’re the most important thing in the world to him, and he just wants you to be happy. He stayed there with you, James, in the hospital room, for as long as he could, until it was time for him to go.”
He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. It’s a long moment before he speaks again. “And the night of the crash, what happened?”
“I wasn’t there when you actually crashed, I arrived just afterwards. I mean I didn’t know it was you until it had already happened, that’s how it works – we don’t receive the name of the hu–person we’re to go to until a few minutes before they’re, well – before they’re supposed to die. But I had to save you. I couldn’t just leave you to die. And, like I said earlier, I somehow took on this human like form and pulled you from your car, and I have remained the same ever since, not returning to how I was before. And . . . the rest you know.”
“When you say ‘human like form’ what exactly do you mean?” His questioning stare is staid fixed on me.
I look down, feeling unnerved. “I mean I’m here, I’m me, I look just like I did to others of my kind – I think. But whilst my body looks human, essentially I’m not. I don’t – can’t sleep, or breathe, or eat. I don’t have a – heartbeat.” I cringe as I say those words. “I’m not mortal like you are. I don’t need those things to sustain myself.” I glance up at him. His eyes are still on me, unmoving.
“But all those things aside,” I add quietly, “I feel human. I mean I have feelings like you do. I can touch things, and be touched, and feel all the sensations that brings –” I tail off.
He says nothing. Just continues to stare at me, an unfathomable expression on his face.
I feel awkward, unsure what to do. And even though we're only a few feet apart, the space dividing us feels heavy and fraught, like a deep dark chasm that’s pulling me in.
“What should I do?” I ask.
His expression goes blank. “What do mean?”
“I mean should I leave?”
“Well that’s up to you.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“Do you want to leave?”
“Of course I don’t want to leave!” I cry. Tears once again prick at my eyes. “But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say – what I can do or say to make this better. You tell me and I’ll do it. If you want me to leave, then I will. I just want you to be happy, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. And if my leaving will do that, then I’ll go.” I look around the empty space surrounding me, needing support, needing something to cling to, so I cling to the only thing I can – myself.
For a moment James just stares at the ground, then he looks up at me and shakes his head.
I shrug, exasperated. “No? No – you don’t want me here, or no – you do?”
“For fuck's sake!” He slams his hand on the door frame, and looks away angrily. I daren’t speak for fear of reprisal, and just like that I’ve had enough. So I make the decision for him but he’s blocking my exit.
I walk toward him, gesturing for him to move, but he doesn’t. He stands there, his stare intense.
I’m instantly weakened but I hold my nerve. “What do you want?” I ask again, my voice filling up the silence surrounding us.
His eyes move to my lips. My whole body starts to tremble.
He moves closer to me and puts his hands around my face, cradling it. I can feel the heat from his body flowing straight into mine and it’s like the entire world has shrunk down to this one moment.
“You,” he simply utters. “I want you.”
Then he’s kissing me, and this kiss feels different, more intense. Everything seems magnified. I’m aware of absolutely everything. Every single subtle move he makes.
He pulls me into the house, us stumbling awkwardly, but not once do his lips leave mine. He backs me up against the kitchen table and effortlessly lifts me onto it as if I’m made of air, and places himself between my legs. Then his mouth moves from mine, to my neck, his tongue searching over my skin, then he’s kissing me again. His hands run down my back. My entire body’s aching for him.
“I love you.”
I pull back in shock. “You love me?”
His eyes flicker and flame as he traces my lower lip with his finger. “How could I not.”
His lips are on mine again and we’re kissing intensely. His touch becomes more urgent, frenzied. He pulls me closer. His hips are pressing hard into mine.
“I want you,” he says hungrily into my ear and, for the first time, I can honestly say I’m hungry too.
“I want you, James.”
He doesn’t need a second invitation. He pushes my skirt up. I pull his t-shirt over his head, only breaking from our kiss to do so. My hands roam his smooth firm chest, the contours of his muscles defined with every movement he makes.
Everything about this is right. He loves me. I love him. And nothing else matters.
I trace my fingers over his stomach. A low groan emits from deep within him. I reach down to unbutton his jeans. He kisses me harder.
I want him so much. I feel like I’ve spent an eternity waiting for him, waiting for this, and I don’t want to wait a moment longer.
And that’s when the window starts to rattle.
James stops, startled, and glances around the kitchen. “What’s going on?”
I look around. The whole room is vibrating now. A glass falls off the kitchen surface smashing loudly against the hard floor.
Then I feel it.
Something’s forcing its way into my body and it’s painful, really painful. I cry out.
James’s wide eyes are on me. He looks afraid. “Luce?” He takes a step back.
I follow his stare, looking down at my body.
Oh no.
I’m changing. I’m losing solid form. I can see a sparkle beginning to escape from me. I’m going back to how I used to be. They’ve found me. They’re taking me home.
Panic stricken, I look back up at James. His eyes are on full alert.
“Luce . . . what’s happening?” he says voice shaky.