Author: Kirsty Moseley
Liam was looking at me, his gorgeous blue eyes tight with worry. I loved him so much, how am I going to cope when he leaves me and go to college, and all I have left is what could have been?
The paramedic came over with Jake. “What’s happened?” he asked Liam.
“She’s pregnant. Angel, did you hit your stomach or something?” Liam asked, holding my hand tightly. I nodded, scared to move in case the pain got any worse, I couldn’t cope with much more.
“How far along is the pregnancy?” the paramedic asked.
“Five weeks,” Liam answered, looking at him pleadingly.
“OK. Well let’s get you to the hospital; I’ll check you over in the ambulance. Does it hurt anywhere else, Amber?” the paramedic asked.
“My back’s hurting, and my hips.” I winced as he guided me to move onto my back.
He nodded. “That can sometimes happen. It looks like you might be having a miscarriage,” he said, apologetically. I nodded in agreement. I knew that already, there was no way I wasn’t having a miscarriage, this was just too damn painful to be anything else. Liam held my hand the whole time on the way there, just watching me, not speaking. His face was the picture of grief. He was hurting badly; I could see the pain on his features as he looked at me. He wasn’t going to forgive me.
When we got there I was wheeled into a little cubicle and a doctor came in almost immediately. “OK, Amber, I’m going to have to have a look and see if your cervix is open,” he explained, pulling on some gloves.
I looked at Liam, horrified, gripping his hand tighter. “Shh, everything’s OK. I’m here. Everything’s fine,” he soothed, rubbing his free hand over my face gently. I cried out as pain shot through me, making fresh tears fall as the doctor did his examination. Liam kissed them away softly, looking at me, heartbroken.
“I’m sorry, your cervix is open, you’re miscarrying. We need to do a procedure to speed things along. You’re only five weeks so this is that safest and easiest way,” the doctor said, throwing his blood smeared gloves away.
“What procedure?” Liam asked.
“It’s called an ERPC. It’s a surgical procedure. It will need to be done under general anaesthetic and we’ll remove all traces of the pregnancy,” he explained, looking at me a little sadly.
Surgical procedure?
“That’s safe?” Liam asked, gripping my hand tighter.
The doctor nodded. “It’s the safest way. We could leave it to expel itself over the next week or so, but that would come with a higher risk of infection. It’s best for Amber if we remove it all quickly.”
I nodded. I wanted this over; I didn’t want to be bleeding heavily for a week, especially if it was as painful as this the whole time. Liam looked at me, waiting for me to make the decision. “OK,” I muttered, closing my eyes.
“Right, well, I’ll go and make sure there’s an operating room free. It’s a very quick procedure. You’ll come back down here after,” the doctor stated, nodding at Liam as he left quickly.
I sniffed and turned to Liam. “I’m so sorry, Liam, this is all my fault.”
He gasped, and shook his head fiercely. “Will you stop saying that! This isn’t your fault, Angel. Stop blaming yourself. That as**ole did this, not you.” He bent over me and kissed my forehead softly.
“No. I shouldn’t have left your house. You told me to stay there. I should have listened to you, and now I’ve killed our baby,” I sobbed, feeling my heart break all over again.
He climbed onto the bed carefully and wrapped his arms around me, trying not to move me. “None of this is your fault; you didn’t kill the baby, Angel. It’s just one of those things. You know I’m a firm believer of everything happens for a reason; we weren’t supposed to have this baby. You’re not to blame. If anything, this is my fault, if I hadn’t told him to get off of you he might not have hit you,” he said quietly. I shook my head and buried my face in his chest, clinging to him tightly, this wasn’t his fault, none of it was his fault. “I love you,” he whispered over and over in my ear, until the doctor came back and took me off to the operating room.
Liam walked along the side of my bed until I got to the room and he wasn’t allowed any further. He kissed me softly, his eyes bright with sadness and pain. “I’ll be right here when you wake up. I love you more than anything,” he promised.
I smiled at his words. He still loved me, he still wanted me. I just hoped that he wasn’t just saying these things because I was upset and in pain. I prayed that he really did still want me after what I’d done.
~ Liam ~
As soon as she was through the doors and out of my sight, I slumped onto the floor and put my head in my hands. My whole body was hurting. She was in so much pain and there was nothing I could do. We’d lost the baby, and for some idiotic reason she was blaming herself for that as**ole doing this. I squeezed my hands into fists, pressing them against my eyes, trying not to think about him. The more I thought about him, the more I wanted to get the hell out of here and rip his head off - but I couldn’t do that. I needed to be here for my girl when she woke up. She didn’t need anything else to worry about right now.
I believed what I had told her earlier. If we were meant to have this baby, then we would have. She wouldn’t have lost it if it was meant to be. I’d always believed that everything happens for a reason - but that didn’t stop it hurting like hell to lose this baby. A perfect little baby that I imagined would be just like its momma in every way. I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the wall, waiting for her to come out. I barely even noticed when Jake came and sat next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.
“She lost it,” I mumbled.
Jake’s arm tightened around my shoulders. “Yeah. She’ll be OK, Liam,” he assured, squeezing my shoulder.
I was actually surprised that he wasn’t kicking the crap out of me for getting his little sister pregnant, but to be honest, I just couldn’t care less. He couldn’t cause me any more pain than I already felt, the only one that could hurt me more than this was my Angel. She was the only one that had the power to kill me.
After about forty minutes they wheeled her out of surgery, she was still asleep from the anaesthetic. I jumped up quickly, looking her over. “Is she alright?” I asked desperately, skipping along beside the bed as they pushed her down the hallway.
“Everything went well. We removed everything. She’ll be fine. She should start to come around from the anaesthetic within the hour. We’ll keep her in overnight, and let her go tomorrow afternoon sometime. She’ll have to take it easy for a day or so,” the doctor confirmed. I nodded and followed her into her room, sitting beside her bed, holding her hand tightly. Jake and I sat silently next to her bed, there was nothing to say, nothing could make this any better.
After about half an hour, she moved her hand in mine. I jumped up quickly as her eyes fluttered. This was the second time in three days that she’d woken up to me like this and I just prayed to God that she never did it again, because I couldn’t take any more of this.
“Hey, Angel,” I murmured, stroking her face lightly, it was sore looking and was already starting to bruise where he’d slapped her.
She turned her head in my direction but didn’t open her eyes. “You stayed,” she breathed, a small smile playing on the corner of her mouth.
She honestly thought I would leave her?
“Of course I stayed.” I kissed her gently. She whimpered and gripped the front of my shirt weakly as she kissed me back.
“I love you so much, Liam,” she whispered.
“I know you do, but I still love you more,” I countered. No one ever loved anyone as much as I loved her.
Jake cleared his throat so I pulled away, still holding her hand tightly. He leant over and hugged her. “I’m sorry you lost your baby, Ambs,” he said, looking like he genuinely meant it.
She nodded and smiled sadly. “Yeah, me too,” she replied, her voice breaking as she spoke.
“I’m gonna go and call Ruby and Johnny. I’ll call your parents too, Liam,” Jake said, kissing her cheek before disappearing out of the curtain, giving us some privacy.
“Will you lay with me?” she croaked.
I nodded and climbed carefully onto the bed with her. “Are you in pain or anything?” I asked as I wrapped my arm over her gently.
“Not really. It’s sore, but nowhere near as bad as it was.” She winced as she moved on the bed.
I closed my eyes and buried my face in the side of her neck. “You need to stop scaring the shit out of me. You’re seriously going to give me a heart attack soon,” I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
She laughed humourlessly. “I’m so tired, Liam.” She turned her head, nuzzling against mine.
“Go to sleep then, Angel,” I cooed, pulling the sheets up higher around her to keep her warm.
She drifted in and out of sleep for a few hours. They gave her some more pain meds, but she said she was OK. After a couple of hours they let her get out of the bed to go to the bathroom as long as she was accompanied by two nurses - which she didn't appreciate at all.
At nine o’clock the nurse came in, smiling sadly at me. “I’m sorry but visiting hours are over now. I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” she said apologetically as she settled Amber back into her bed.
“Seriously? Can’t I stay? I won’t be any trouble, please? I’ll sleep in the chair, you won’t even know I’m here,” I begged, giving her the face that seemed to work so well on Amber.
She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Fine. But if anyone asks, you snuck in here. Understand?” she asked, smiling and shaking her head.
I grinned. “Thanks.” Wow, that face worked on other people too.
Jake said his goodbyes, promising to be back first thing in the morning, and bring me and Amber a change of clothes. Once he was gone, she scooted over on the bed, wincing slightly but trying not to show me it hurt.