My whole body went cold with shock. I stared at her.
Before I could speak, Nurse entered the room, followed by Sarah, a housemaid, and another Negro woman that I did not know. Lily stepped away from me, toward the wall.
"Mama?" I whispered.
"Nurse will examine you and tell me the truth," she said, and they all stepped toward me.
"No," I said, my voice hoarse, backing away from them, stumbling over a stool, groping for the edge of the dresser. "No."
My mother followed me, took me by the arm. "What do you fear? If you are innocent, you need not worry." She stared into my face, her eyes like brown pebbles. "Did you have your blood while at Grant's Hill?"
My voice shook. "Yes, Mama."
"Liar!" she hissed at me, her fingers digging into my arm. "Slut!" She looked beyond me to where Lily cowered. "Lily?"
"I saw no blood, madam," she said, her voice pitched high, quavering.
So I had been correct in my suspicion that Lily watched me. She had spied on me for my mother. Bile rose into my throat.
My mother looked at Nurse.
"I will look at her teats first," said Nurse.
"No!" I screamed, trying to pull away from my mother's grasp. "No! Papa! No!"
My mother put her face close to mine. "Your dear Papa cannot hear you, lass." Her voice was the terrible whisper, the words forced between her gritted teeth. "He is far away in the field. He will not rescue you this time. Now, lie down upon the bed."
I screamed again. My mother flung me toward the bed with all of her strength; I fell across it. I rolled over, trying to crawl to the other side, my breath sobbing in my chest, whimpering with rage and terror. The strange Negro took me by my shoulders and pushed me down against the mattress, holding me there. She was immensely strong. I kicked and twisted, and screamed again.
"Keep her quiet!" my mother said, and Sarah covered my mouth with her hand.
I could see only the ceiling as I struggled. I felt hands grasping my legs, pulling them apart, bruising me with their pinching fingers. I thrashed with my arms, but then they were pinned painfully to the bed as well.
I struggled with all my might, but the strong hands held me, hurting me; the edges of my vision began to cloud. I felt my chemise pulled down from my breasts, then a warm dry hand grasped and squeezed painfully. I whimpered and struggled. Tears flowed from the corners of my eyes and into my ears.