Each time I left her room, I went outside to find a place to retch. I was weak with fear and dread. I wished I had not seduced Robbie, wished I had heeded Kevin's advice. I hoped that the child in me would die and come out before it grew any bigger. I silently begged God to forgive me and deliver me.
At last the dawn broke and with it came Cathy's child. John and I were in the drawing room. I had awakened Lily to help me dress; I paced before the fireplace. John sat with his head in his hands, leaping up with every sound from Cathy's room. The unfamiliar sound of the infant's cry lifted both our heads, and his face was flooded with joy and relief. I went toward him and held out my arms, and we embraced, both of us tearful.
"I shall go up and see," I said. "I shall return for you shortly."
The bairn's cries were loud when I opened the door; my ears hummed inside at the racket. I looked toward the bed; Cathy lay still, her eyes closed. My heart stopped, and I looked at Susan, and the midwife, then back at Cathy again. Her eyes opened, and she smiled at me. My heart began beating again, and I hurried to her side.
"Jessie! See, I have given John a son!" she whispered.
"A son!" I said, and my tears fell onto her hand. "Oh, Cathy! Cathy! What joy! What blessing!" I babbled with relief. "Thank God! Thank God!"
"You show him to John," she said. "I want you to."
"Oh! Oh, I? Oh, Cathy surely you wish to present his son to him yourself!"
"I do not want John to see me this way," she said. "I wish to rest and compose myself first."
"Nonsense," I said. "I shall help you. When the midwife is finished, I will dress your hair, and you shall present John with his son. I will not do that for you."
Her eyes were shocked for a moment; but Cathy would always relent on the rare occasions when she knew I was right. "Very well, then, Jessie dear," she whispered, closing her eyes. A spasm of pain twisted her face, and I looked at Susan with alarm.
"Out! Out, young ladies!" said the midwife. "You may return in a little while."
Susan and I went out of the room and onto the landing. John stood at the bottom of the stairs; suddenly I realized that I had not looked at the baby.