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I began to shudder as I heard Robbie galloping away toward Brianag. My power, my triumph, were gone. I was wracked with shame and humiliation. I slowly lay down on the ground, still naked, hidden from the stars by the low-hanging branches of the oak tree.
I lay there without thought, I knew not for how long. The sound of an owl startled me; I roused myself and looked around me. My cheek and shoulder were numb where I had lain on the ground. I struggled to my hands and knees, crawling toward the pale blob that was my wadded-up nightdress.
I managed to stand, leaning against the trunk of the tree. My body was cold and stiff, and I felt the stickiness of my passion and Robbie's between my legs. I pulled the linen over my head and slowly began to make my way back to the house.
I reached my room undeterred; there I left my night dress on the floor and wrapped myself in a shawl, then crawled into my bed, drawing the quilts over my head, still shivering violently. The rich scent of copulation, new to my nostrils, warmed me and I drew it in, curling my body into a ball, doing my best to hold in the pain that suffused my heart, lest I should begin screaming.
Finally I began to grow warmer, and the shivering eased. I wept silently. I must have dozed a little; I heard Lily lighting the fire.
A thrill of horror shuddered through me; I remembered suddenly my nightdress. I had left it on the floor. I threw back my covers and remembered with another shock that I was naked; Lily looked toward me as I gasped.
"Get out," I hissed at her. She ducked her head and skittered away.
I stood, my legs trembling. The night dress was gone. I looked around wildly. There was water in the basin; Lily had brought it, and she must have picked up the nightdress from the floor and taken it with her, though I had not seen it in her hands. Or perhaps my mother had sent her own maid Sarah to spy on me and take it before I awoke.
I was dizzy and sick; I desperately craved a glass of wine. I clutched at the bedpost, struggling for composure. Finally I was steady enough to lift the basin of water; I put it on the floor and squatted over it, washing away the remains of my union with my lover. The water stung where my flesh had torn. My tears splashed into the basin with the blood and jism. I did not dare use any linen to dry myself.