I reached out a finger to caress James' little head. His hair was still dark and quite thick. "I'm so sorry, Cathy," I whispered, and tears welled into my eyes. "I am so sorry. I have missed so much while thinking only of myself."
She took my hand and kissed it. "You are here now," she said. "You are safe. Sadness as well as happiness comes into all our lives; we must accept what we are given."
"And loose that which is taken away," I said.
She paused for a moment, releasing my hand to take the hand of her son, where he clenched it at her breast. "I know that your heart is desolate," she said. "And I prayselfishly, I fear-that God will spare me such desolation! But Jessie," and she lifted her eyes to mine, "There can be more children for you and Robbie."
I looked into her eyes, so like Robbie's; then back down at the baby. "Perhaps," I said.
"He is so wild, so carefree," she said. "He needs more time to become a husband."
More time to sow his wild oats, I thought, and the memory of the Indian woman's child rose up in my mind. My heart twisted again, more painfully than before; but I would not tell Cathy of that. It was my betrayal to bear, and I would not share it with her. I made up my mind then that I would do nothing that would cause her pain; indeed, not Cathy, nor her family, nor mine, nor anyone else, if it was in my power to prevent. I would behave as a woman, not a child. The judgments of my errors and Robbie's were ours to bear. I would no longer burden those who loved me with my grief and shame. I would put my grief behind me and grow to be a kind and faithful friend, as Cathy was to me.
For a week after we arrived at Brianag, I never saw Robbie at all; I did not even think of him. The days blurred together, filled with the comfort of Brianag and its inhabitants. I walked out of doors on fine days; down the lawn behind the house, to the edge of the swamp, with Catherine holding my arm on one side, Rabbit on the other. We were walking slowly back to the house one crisp afternoon when I heard the familiar sound of men's voices raised in banter, and I saw Robbie and Kevin coming out of the house, laughing together.