“What, Jane? What was it exactly?”
I stood, mute, unable to articulate what I’d first felt sitting on Ryu’s floor in Boston all those months ago, and what I’d known was the truth staring into his eyes in that B and B room in Eastport.
But words eluded me and I flinched. Which Ryu read as acquiescence to his point.
“See, you can’t even answer me. And that’s what I want you to think about. While I’m gone at the Compound, I want you to think long and hard about why you’re doing what you’re doing. You’re shutting me out. I know you have every reason to be angry with me, but you’ve gone beyond anger. You’re just quitting on us and closing me out.”
“That’s not…”
“Don’t make excuses, just think about what I’ve said. Because I think you’re using what I did to get rid of me for reasons that have nothing to do with what actually happened. You say I play games. Fine, I know I do; it’s who I am. But I think you do, too. You’re just not aware of them.
“So think about that. And for once, be honest with yourself. Even if you can’t be honest with me.”
And with that, Ryu turned on his heel and walked toward his parked car, Julian appearing as if on cue to follow Ryu and get in the passenger seat. I watched as Ryu peeled out, driving angrily into the last vestiges of dusk: a thin line of light clinging to the horizon, soon to be snuffed by the encroaching darkness.
I stood there, my muscles clenched and my mind racing.
Is he right? I wondered. Am I using what happened with my mother’s death as an excuse?
But an excuse for what?
I shook my head, physically trying to dislodge all the doubts rattling through me when I heard Anyan exit Iris’s boutique and lock the door behind him with his magic.
“Ryu gone?”
I nodded, still facing the street. Anyan walked toward me, but paused when he saw my face.
“You okay?”
I thought about that. “I need a swim,” I said eventually.
“Yikes. Did he do something?”
“No, we just… talked.”
“Oh.”
We stood together without speaking, watching as the darkness pressed the last glimmer of sunshine from the horizon, leaving the night sky a brightly bruised purple. When Anyan broke the silence, his voice was rougher than usual.
“Well, Ryu took the car. So you’ll have to ride with me on the bike.”
I sighed, then stared off at the ocean. The thought of being on a motorcycle with Anyan, with everything that was swirling through my head, was… intense.
Mistaking the cause of my reticence, Anyan shuffled his big feet.
“Or swim, I guess,” he said. “If you wanted. You probably need to recharge and we need you at full throttle. I can drive you to the seashore. Sea Code means you’re safe in the water, but I’ll still phone ahead to Trill and have her meet you.”
I contemplated my choices. On the one hand, I could use the long swim home to think about everything Ryu had just said.
On the other hand, if you choose the bike, you’ll finally have the barghest right where you want him…
I looked down at my thighs. They did look lonely.
Then again, I thought, perhaps they should stay that way, at least for now.
I sighed. “I think I should just swim and recharge. Kill two birds with one stone.”
Anyan nodded. “Okay, but I want to drive you to the water, and I’ll meet you at the cove. Nell has it booby-trapped so anyone outside of her jurisdiction won’t be able to enter it without getting zapped. You’re safe in the water, and Trill will meet you halfway But I’m worried about you on land, so don’t make any pit stops.”
I nodded, and we walked to his bike. “Can you carry my clothes home with you?”
The barghest nodded again.
“Thanks.”
Anyan pulled out his helmet and a spare. They were both German half-helmets, and he handed me the one that was plain but for a spike right at the top. Anyan’s was decorated with flames and looked very cool. I watched as he settled his own helmet over his wiry, unkempt curls and then smoothly mounted the bike. Then he waved me to him, where he helped me buckle on mine. It felt heavy and strange, and I doubted I looked very cool. Standing next to him, I also realized the Indian was a lot bigger than it looked from a distance. There was no way I was hopping onto that thing while maintaining even the slightest shred of dignity.
Before I could ask Anyan for help, however, his big hands were around my waist, using a combination of his physical strength and a burst of his magic. I held back a squawk as he lifted me up behind him.
“You can put your arms around my waist, or you can reach back and hang on to the seat from behind you,” he instructed, starting the engine.
That’s really not much of a choice, I thought, but I was still hesitant as I wrapped my arms around his muscular torso. He moved my hands tighter across his stomach, pulling me in close.
“Just hang on, Jane. Don’t lean in with the curves; sit like you would in a chair.”
I nodded, then said, “Okay,” when I remembered he couldn’t see me as I was sitting behind him.
We took off down the main street of Eastport, and I felt my heart lurch. I’d never been on a motorcycle before, but, after a moment or two of fear, I decided I liked it. Really liked it.
We like it, too, my thighs purred from where they lay alongside the barghest’s hips.
We purred slowly down the street toward the harbor. For a second I fantasized about yelling over the rumbling engine for Anyan to drive us all the way back to Rockabill.
He’d pull my arms even closer around him. Then he’d veer away from the docks, punching the engine and racing toward 190 to get to Rockabill. I’d be forced to give a girlie squeal and tighten myself against his body…
Do eeeeeeet, my libido demanded. The rest of my body, tingling against Anyan’s, could only agree.
But I didn’t do it. Instead, Anyan drove me to the docks. He turned his back as I stripped down and folded up my clothes. I left them lying there as I turned and ran hell for leather to the water, gracefully swan-diving into the freezing-cold Atlantic—and nearly crashing into an unmoored fishing dinghy.
The shock of the water hitting my Anyan-heated skin brought me back to earth, so to speak.
I thought about the barghest: his age, and his experience, and the fact of his very Anyanocity.
He just isn’t for you, Jane. And you know it. But a girl could dream…
And, despite the cold water, dream I did.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Punching through the water toward Rockabill, I took my frustration out on the waves. I’d always been a freakishly powerful swimmer, capable of doing just about anything I wanted in the water. But now that I knew I wasn’t entirely normal—now that I was extra-normal, so to speak—I’d stopped hampering myself by thinking of what I should or shouldn’t be able to do.
In other words, when I still thought I was entirely human, I swam, more or less, like a human. I came up for air quite often, and I muscled my way through tough spots. Of course, I was really muscling through using arms and legs charged with magic, but I hadn’t realized that.
Now, however, I didn’t bother. One day, soon after I’d returned from the Alfar Compound to Rockabill all those months ago, I’d decided to see what I was really capable of in the water. It had been eye-opening.
Take breathing, I thought, even as I dove deeper into the sea to escape a pesky current that was dragging on me. I used to think I needed to breathe. Now… I just go.
Not breathing had been a huge revelation. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I was really not breathing. Instead, just like some sea creature with enormous lungs, my magic allowed me to pull in more air, or to make that air last longer. To be honest, I had no idea what I did. All I knew was that my muscles were clearly still oxygenated—after all, they flexed and pulled and powered me through the water. But I didn’t need to rise to the surface except very occasionally.
The other cool thing I could do was see underwater. I’d always had really good “night vision,” but now that I wasn’t constraining myself, I could see in the darkest water as if it were daytime. That revelation had put a whole new spin on my big black eyes. I’d always hated them growing up. They marked me as different; as an outsider. Now I knew they had a purpose, and that purpose was to allow me access to the astonishingly beautiful world underneath the waves. I loved my black eyes now, and I kept my bangs trimmed so that they showcased rather than hid.
Nowadays, I also did something that was more like flying through the water than it was like swimming. It sort of felt like I pulled myself along by the elements around me. Meanwhile, pulsing around me at all times was the power of the ocean. She’d fill me with her magic as quickly as I expended any, giving me almost perfect stamina in the water.
So I motored along, quite happily, figuring I’d beat Anyan to Rockabill.
He has to obey traffic signs, after all, while I can bend the water to my will, I thought in my faux-superhero voice. I was so busy faking omnipotence, in fact, that I nearly missed my turn. Veering sharply to continue northwest along the coastline, I finally escaped that hindering current and could swim closer to the surface.