She snuggles her face down into Kate’s neck and I can hear her draw in a long breath, smelling the sweet scent of the baby’s skin. “I just don’t know, Ford. I feel like I’m stumbling along, waiting for something to happen.”
We sit like that for a few silent minutes. My head is spinning with all these revelations that have happened over the last twenty-four hours. Tony, Kate, her family. I reach over and take her hand. “Come here.”
“What?”
I pull on her arm, tugging her harshly. “Now, Ashleigh. Sit in front of me.” She thinks for a moment. “It’s not a request, Ashleigh. I want you here, between my legs. Now.”
Ash stands and then kneels on my lounger. I pull my knees up so I can box her in, and she leans back, her naked body pressing against my chest. Kate’s head is resting on Ash’s shoulder, her eyes trained on me. I smile at her and she gives me gums as her eyes twinkle. I have to hold back the urge to just squeeze her plump little cheeks because I’m trying to be serious.
“If you don’t know what you want, and you won’t tell me specifics, then I’ll tell you what I think you need. You’re mine now, Ashleigh. I’m claiming you. I’m claiming Kate too. If you want to be with me then I call the shots. And I’ve made my first decision.”
Ash turns her head a little to try and look at me but I clamp my knees against her waist and hold her tight so she can’t shift her position. Her whole chest expands and then it’s like she flips a switch and the tension melts away. She relaxes.
But that’s not a yes, so it’s not enough.
“I’d like to f**k you right now. I love that you’re outside naked. I love that you’re holding Kate like this. Oblivious to the world, just existing. Following my orders. I know you’re not submissive, Ashleigh. It’s why I didn’t f**k you until I made up my mind that I liked you. Because I knew we’d have to have this conversation. I’m a control freak. I like to call the shots. Most people don’t like that. Most people want to tell me to f**k off. You’re free to feel that way, you can tell me to f**k off. I’ll still take care of you until you figure out what you want. But if that’s your decision then this potential relationship is over and it won’t go any further.”
Silence.
“Thoughts?”
“Is this about sex or things like what to make for dinner?”
“It’s about what’s good for you.”
“How do you know what’s good for me?”
“I don’t, not yet. I hardly know you. I’m not perfect, I’ll make mistakes. But relationships aren’t something I normally do. I do sex. I do f**king. I do blow jobs, I do bondage, and I keep pets. I keep girls as pets, Ashleigh. I never get their names, I never ask them out on a date. They’re given a time and a place, they meet me or they don’t. If they don’t show up and I feel like f**king, there’s always another girl on the list.”
She blows out a long breath of air. “Holy shit, Ford.”
“I told you, I’m not a nice guy. I’m Fucking Ford. It’s practically a nickname. This is how I operate.”
“So I’m just another one of your pets?”
“Do you think I’d be having this conversation with you if you were just another pet?”
“Then what do you want from me?”
“Wrong question, Ashleigh. The real question is what do you want from me.” She wriggles, trying to turn and see my face. I box her in again and put my arms around her shoulders, but she continues to struggle until Kate begins to get upset. I let Ash go and shake my head. “What are you doing?”
She shushes Kate as she leans in to kiss her cheek, and then turns her whole body so she can watch me properly when she speaks. “I want love.” She stares at me, her dark brown eyes a little bit watery.
I’m probably a total dick for having this conversation after all the shit she’s been through, but I can’t stop myself. I’m a greedy bastard and I need to nail this down or let it go, and I need to do that right the f**k now.
“I want to be loved,” she whispers. “I want to be kissed and I don’t want to have to play a game to get one. I want you to show me—tell me—everyday that you love me. Because I had love. And maybe you don’t approve of the relationship I had with Tony, but your opinion hardly matters. It doesn’t count. It was enough for me to know he was mine. That when he came home, I was the only thing he thought about. He wrote me love letters and poems. And before you f**king shake your head or roll your eyes, Ford, he was a Navy SEAL, he grew up in the mafia, he was as manly as they f**king come.”
“You want me to write you poems?”
“No, I want you to give up a little piece of yourself to make me happy. Just like you’re asking me to give up a little bit of myself to make you happy. It’s a give and take, Ford. You might be someone’s master, but not mine. I like you. You’re almost perfect.”
“But…”
“But… I want to know what your level of commitment is. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I have no use for a boyfriend right now. And I’m not looking for a master, either. I can make my own decisions. I might make mistakes but I’m smart, I learn from them. It’s just that emotions sometimes overwhelm my brain and I do irrational things. Like this trip. But…” She swallows. “This trip is a new way forward for me. One way or another. So it’s not a completely crazy waste. I’m in a new place, I’m a mother, I’m flailing, Ford. I’m standing at some f**king crossroad looking at all these choices, and I have no way to know which one is the best route. They all have risks, but some risks are higher than others.” She looks away for a second, then gives me a sideways glance. “You’re a big risk in my mind. I can’t commit to you without something… something big. Like a grand gesture, Ford. I need a grand gesture.”