“I know that, Ford,” she says softly as she reaches out to touch my arm.
“Don’t.” I pull away before she makes contact with my suit coat. “You cannot touch me. If you touch me…” I shake my head, unable to continue.
“If I touch you what?” she asks with an air of challenge.
My own mother hasn’t even touched me as many times as Rook has, so this probably does deserve an explanation. “If you touch me I’ll touch you back. I’ll cup your face and kiss your mouth. I’ll hold you close and make you choose me.” I stop and swallow hard and then lean into her space and whisper, “I’ll ruin everything if you touch me. I’ll ruin us. I’ll ruin this. I’ll ruin you, just like you said. I’ll ruin you and I’ll ruin your life. And I love you too much to ruin you. So I’m leaving.”
Her shoulders slump a little more. “I don’t want you to leave, Ford. I’m not sure life without you is possible.”
“And I’m not sure life with you is possible. I can’t watch you with him, Rook. I’m seething with jealousy. It infuriates me that time and time again he gets what he wants. Ronin pulls love towards him like he’s gravity.” I stop to laugh. “He only has to ask and love appears in his life. And me? I beg for it. I want love more than anything, yet everyone thinks I’m insufferable.” I kneel down in front of her and shake my head. “Everyone but you, Rook. You are the only person on this entire Earth I care about. And you belong to someone else. And if it were anyone but him I’d just take you and say f**k the consequences. But you chose one of two people who will stand by me no matter what I do. And even though these days I count Ronin as a friend, and I would never betray him, I’m so f**king jealous. His life since Antoine has been one long string of lucky breaks. And every day I ask myself, why? Why does he get you? Why does he deserve this luck and I’m always left with nothing?”
I shrug and stand up and her eyes follow me, making her head tilt.
It takes every ounce of willpower not to slip my hand across the milky white skin on her throat, grasp the back of her neck, pull her towards me, and claim her mouth. “This isn’t even me talking right now. I don’t feel these things, Rook. Ever. When did I become capable of jealousy?” I huff out some air. “Well, it’s not really a mystery. It was the day I met you, that’s when. You’ve changed me, Rook. You make me weak, you make me stumble, you make me fall, and even though I know you’ll pick me up if I ask you to, it’s not enough. I want you to make me stronger, just like I made you. I want it all or I want nothing. And since I can’t have it all, I’ll take nothing.”
She stares up at me in silence, the shock of my words displayed on her face.
I can’t stand to see the hurt in her eyes. I can’t stand to see her fear and sadness as the realization of what’s happening finally sinks in.
So I do what I have to do. I make it worse.
So she’s left with no more doubts about what kind of man I am. So she will release her hold on me. So she will stop looking at me like she cares.
So I can let go and move on.
I turn away.
I walk out.
And I never look back.
Chapter OneClick. Click. Click.
That’s my shoes on the stone steps in the Chaput Building. I listen for a call. Or maybe even an echo, telling me that another pair of shoes are behind me.
But I get nothing. Not even sounds from the New Year’s Eve party up on the fourth floor leak out. Just nothing. My steps are quick when I begin, but now that I’m nearing the door to the basement they are slow. I finish my escape more confused than I’ve ever been in my life.
I told her.
I want her.
But she belongs to Ronin.
You will not look back, you will not look back.
That’s what I tell myself the entire way down. But of course, when I’m a few paces from the garage door, I do look up. All the way up to the fourth floor where that dark princess is leaning over the railing, her hair spilling over and shrouding her face in a blue shadow that must be a reflection of her dress or a play of the light.
“Ford,” she whispers.
It’s so soft it stops me cold and I just stare at her. She is the most tragically beautiful creature on this entire planet. And even though I know it’s impossible to see her blue eyes in this hazy darkness and from such a distance, I see them.
“Rook,” I whisper back. “I can’t.”
I turn away and this time she yells, “Ford!”
I force myself to keep walking.
“Ford! Wait!” Her feet are flying down the stairs now, so I push through the door and walk quickly to the Bronco. The air is frigid. Steam blasts from my mouth as I breathe heavy, a cloud of evidence that betrays my rapidly beating heart and announces my agitation to the world. I walk to the far end of the parking garage and I’m shoving my key in the truck lock when she bursts through the door.
I climb in and start the engine. I haven’t been here that long, it’s only nine o’clock, so there’s no protest—it turns over immediately. Rook lifts her long skirts, her feet scurrying underneath as she frantically tries to catch me.
I wait. Because I’m weak. She makes me so f**king weak. I am nothing. I am a mess.
She knocks on the window. “Please, Ford,” she begs from the other side. “Pleases stop for a moment. Please, talk to me, please.”
I shake my head no, but she pulls on the door handle and opens the door. “No. No, no, no. You’re not leaving like this, Ford. No.”