“How much are we talking here?”
I roll my eyes. “Some things never change. That’s not relevant.”
“It is. Because if it’s as much as I’m thinking it is, then a lot of things are starting to make sense. Jon was obsessed with you. I was … I was jealous,” she admits. “I can’t believe I listened to the things he said about you. That you were coming on to him. That you wanted him for yourself. I let him poison me against you. I was so stupid.”
“I’ve been plenty of stupid lately myself.” I think back to that moment when Mr. Marshall first offered me an “opportunity.” If I could have ever guessed the wild twists and turns my life would take as a result of that one choice.
“I shouldn’t have done it. I should have said no right then and there.”
That’s when I lose it. I’m not much of a crier. I usually bear things in silence or in the privacy of my room. But when I think about Tank, how I’ve hurt him, I just lose it. Ivy watches in shock and then pats my back awkwardly.
“I’ve never seen you like this.”
“I hurt him so much. It kills me that he’s hurting. Even more that I’ve caused it. I should have known that there’s no such thing as easy money. Everything comes with a price and apparently the price of my stupidity is hurting people that I’ve come to care about.”
I can still remember the expression on Finn’s face. He was uncomfortable and embarrassed. But he was also hurt. He’d looked truly hurt. I don’t even want to imagine how Claire will feel when she finds out. The choices I’ve made have done a lot more than just torpedo my relationship with Tank. They’ve destroyed my newfound family.
“You must really love this guy.” Ivy glances at me with something akin to fascination. Once we stop at a red light, she digs in her purse and pulls out a small pack of tissues.
I yank out a few and press them against my eyes. “Not that it matters now. I’ve killed any chance we might have had.”
She shakes her head. “No more talk about men. I’m going to put you in some warm pajamas and then I can finally start being a big sister again.”
“Which means, what?”
“Ice cream, of course. Lots and lots of ice cream.”
Ivy digs out a huge spoonful of Rocky Road. “This is the best breakup cure on the planet. Why can’t I just marry Ben and you can take Jerry? We’ll be happy for the rest of our lives.”
Sasha holds up her spoon in agreement. “And they would never betray you.”
Even I have to smile at that one. When Sasha called me back, somehow the entire sordid story came spilling out. I was so choked up that Ivy had to take the phone and explain everything. Together they’d worked out a plan of attack. Ivy was to take me home and get me into my comfort clothes while Sasha would go to the store for the emergency supplies of Butter Pecan, Chunky Monkey and Rocky Road.
“Emma? Ice cream therapy doesn’t work if you’re just staring at the spoon. I bought all this ice cream and you’re not even eating it!” Sasha nudges me with her foot.
“I guess I’m not that hungry.” I pull the knitted afghan on my legs higher. Ever since we got home, I’ve had a chill that I can’t seem to shake. I took a hot shower and I’m wearing leggings under my pajamas but I’m still cold inside. It feels like something died in me.
Ivy puts down her spoon. “Let’s skip to the guy-bashing segment of the evening. I’ll start with how bad Jon’s breath smelled in the morning. Then you can go. Tell us how he’s secretly half bald and that sexy hair is really a hairpiece. Or maybe how he used to clip his toenails in bed. Or how small his—”
“Whoa! I don’t need to know about that. I’m going to have a hard enough time looking him in the eye at Kay and Eli’s wedding as it is.” Sasha stills before her eyes lift to mine. “Sorry. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about that.”
“No, it’s okay. Somebody should be happy.”
Her phone beeps and she pulls it out of her bag. “Speaking of Kay, I have to go. I was supposed to be at her place an hour ago.” She pulls me into a hug. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay.”
Ivy gets up and walks her to the door. By the back and forth whispers and the covert glances, I can tell they’re talking about me. After Sasha’s gone, Ivy comes back and sits on the couch right next to me.
“I haven’t pushed you to talk about it any more because I figured you needed a break. But you can talk about him if you need to.”
This is the thing I’ve missed the most about us. My sister being my friend. Being able to tell her about what’s going on in my life and knowing that she’ll have advice and a shoulder to lean on.
“Talking is not going to fix this one. I really screwed up. Getting back into school has been my focus for so long I lost sight of what’s right for a minute there. I saw the money as an easy solution to a problem that I had no idea how to deal with. Except the old me would have known that there are no easy solutions.”
“It’s not your fault. We both kind of fell apart after… that day.” Her eyes fill with tears. “I felt so guilty for not being there. Maybe those monsters wouldn’t have chosen our house if there was another car in the driveway. Maybe we could have overpowered them somehow if we’d been together. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.”
I grab her hand and she squeezes it tight. We never really talked about that day. At first because it was too fresh and then later because bringing up the past was too painful. I never knew that she’d harbored these thoughts. Maybe we could have helped each other with the feelings of guilt and regret if we’d been able to share them.