He sits forward. I follow him.
I let my feet fall to the floor, the hardwood cold against my skin.
“Ly…I want to be with you, and I hope…really hope”—he gives me a nervous look—“that you want to be with me, too—”
“I do,” I say quickly, cutting him off, afraid of where this might be going.
He tips his head to the side. His eyes meeting mine, he stares deep into them. The look in his greens makes my stomach sink.
“I’ve always been straight with you. Apart from the stuff about my family, I’ve never lied to you, and that won’t change now.”
My heart starts to beat hard in my chest.
“I can’t ask you to start something with me if you don’t know all the facts.”
My hands are shaking.
“After I left you that day…I made a mistake.”
A Heartbeat Later—Tom’s House, LA
No. No. No.
The room starts spinning. Shakily, I get to my feet. I edge around the coffee table, putting it between us.
“You’ve been with someone else,” I choke the words out.
He gets to his feet. “No. Yes.”
“Oh God.” I cover my face with my hands.
Suddenly, he’s here, his hands on mine, pulling them from my face. “This isn’t what you think. I didn’t—”
“It never fucking is with you!” I stagger back, shoving him away. “I’m sorry for you. Sorry for what happened to you, how you lost your family, but I can’t take this.” I’m edging away from him. “I can’t do this. I’m not stupid. I know who you are. I knew there was a big possibility that you slept with other women these last two weeks, but to know that you were with someone straight after you left me there on the sidewalk in front of my apartment…” I clutch a hand to the pain tearing open my stomach. “After what we’d done hours before…I let you have sex with me there…I let you—” I cut off, the memory of him moving inside that intimate, private place, now sullied by his confession.
My gaze slices to his, my eyes swimming with tears. I can see the fear and remorse on his face.
“That was important to me.” My whispered voice breaks. “What we did…I gave that to you because I trusted you, and to now know that hours later you went out and had sex with someone else…” A sob breaks from me. Tears are carelessly dripping down my cheeks. I move toward the door. “We might not have been together at the time, but it feels like a betrayal.” I swipe at my face angrily.
Tom strides over to me, taking me by the shoulders, and I don’t have the energy to fight him off.
“I didn’t have sex with her. I haven’t had sex with anyone since you.” He’s breathing heavily. “No one since you, I swear. I went to that bar, thinking if I had sex with someone, it would fix me, put my life back the way it was before you. I was feeling too much for you. I was scared. I panicked, so I reacted in the only way I knew how. I thought going back to my old ways would fix it.”
I wrap my arms around myself. “Who was she?”
He shakes his head slowly. “I don’t know. Just some woman in a bar.”
“You didn’t have sex with her. So, what did you do?”
Why am I asking this? Do I really want to know? Will it make any of this better?
No.
But the sadistic part of me needs to hear this.
Tom stares at me, indecision in his eyes. I can see pain tearing at his features.
“Lyla…you don’t want to hear this.”
But that doesn’t stop me. Any rational in me is gone. I’m pain, blinding pain, and it’s in the driving seat.
“You didn’t fuck her,” I say bitterly. “So, what? Did she get down on her knees and—” I don’t get any further than that. My own words hit me hard, like a blow to the stomach, winding me.
Tom grabs my face, forcing me to look at him. He winces at whatever he sees there. “No one is better than you. Do you hear me? No one. I made a dumb fucking mistake, out of fear, but I couldn’t go through with it because of you.”
His words should soothe, but instead, they ignite my anger like the striking of a match.
“Well, I’m so fucking sorry that I’m getting in the way of you and your whores!” I scream in his face, hitting at his chest.
He doesn’t let me go. “Stop it. I want you in my way all the fucking time.” His voice, like his face, is determined. “I want you here with me every minute of every day. I want you more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. I know I fucked up, and I’m so sorry for that. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. And you’re right. We weren’t together, but in here, we were.”
He taps chest. “I was trying to get you out by reverting to my old ways. I wasn’t thinking straight. But I’m thinking straight now. Thinking is all I’ve been doing for the past two weeks. Thinking about you and the time we had together. God, I’ve missed you like crazy. These last two weeks without you have been hell. I know it’s been my own doing, but I stayed away because I needed time to figure things out. I needed to be sure that I can be the guy you deserve. A guy who can give all of himself to you. Then, I saw you today, and I realized something.”
My mind has suddenly cleared. My anger is dissipating as I hang on his every word, needing to know what he’s going to say next more than I need my next breath. “What did you realize?”