As soon as she'd let the words out of her mouth, Kylie wished she could get them back. Not because she hadn't meant them. She did. She just regretted the way she'd said them.
Holiday sat there for a long moment, staring at Kylie as if she were thinking about what to say. Kylie returned her gaze with an equal amount of vigor. Regretting her tone didn't mean she was going to back down on this. She couldn't. Maybe it was because she emphathized with Jane Doe and her identity crisis, but it felt like more. Kylie knew she had to help the amnesiac ghost. And she would help her, with or without Holiday's blessing.
"Good Lord, when did I become my mom and you become a younger version of myself?" Holiday asked, and smiled.
Kylie saw and heard the lessening of resolve in the camp leader's voice and posture. Then the tension in Kylie's shoulders dissolved and a wave of relief filled her chest. Tears stung her eyes. "I don't know."
"Okay," Holiday said. "Sit down and let's figure out how we're going to work this so I can live with it and you can, too."
Kylie gave Holliday a quick hug of thanks and then settled in to talk. They discussed how Kylie was to go to the library to e-mail the family of Catherine O'Connell. Then Holiday went over and over and over how Kylie could shut out an unwanted ghost ... or unwanted groups of ghosts. And then she made Kylie promise that if she did discover that Jane Doe was a child murderer, she would immediately pull back.
Kylie hesitated to give her word about the last one, but after searching her heart, she realized she didn't believe Jane was a murderer, and so she promised.
When Kylie asked Holiday for an explanation of how evil spirits could hurt her, the camp leader hesitated. Kylie quickly added, "It's not for Jane Doe, but in case I ever run into any." When Holiday still didn't start talking, Kylie added, "Keeping me ignorant is not a good way of protecting me. Don't you think I need to know?"
Holiday released a deep breath and nodded. "It's as much about protecting you as it is about ... It's about knowing you're capable of handling this."
"I'm capable," Kylie said. "It can't be much worse than..." She pointed to the computer, where the story of Berta Littlemon had been posted a short time ago.
Holiday nodded. "You're right about that. But before I tell you, let me say again that most evil spirits don't hang around. They are yanked away quickly, but it has and it will happen."
"What do they do?" Kylie asked.
"You've had visions from the other ghosts, so you know how real they feel. Well, these evil spirits can make you relive some of their lives, and believe me, it can rip your heart out. Being that close to evil isn't something you can forget easily."
The way Holiday said it, Kylie knew the camp leader had suffered through it herself. The thought that Kylie, too, might have to deal with it one day sent a sharp shiver racing down her spine.
"They mess with your head, Kylie. They..." She inhaled again. "To put it bluntly, they mentally rape you, try to break your spirit, and if you show the least bit of weakness, they can possess you. It's also believed, mostly with bad supernatural spirits, that they can take you with them to hell when they go. Legend says that they think if they can bring something good with them, they stand a chance of alleviating their own punishment."
"So how do I avoid meeting one?" Kylie asked, certain only that she didn't want to experience any of the things Holliday had just described.
"That's the thing. They are just like other ghosts. Some you might just stumble across, shortly after their demise. Others, if their powers are strong enough, will seek you out for a purpose."
Holiday must have sensed Kylie's fear, because she dropped her hand on top of Kylie's again. "If you ever find yourself in their presence, you have to remain strong."
"How?" Kylie asked, feeling her fear ebb with Holiday's calming touch.
"It's the same as shutting out the ghosts. Mentally, you need to put yourself in a different place, a place where you feel love and good things, where you experience life at its best. And hold tight to your faith, because they will try to convince you that all things good are frivolous, that they don't matter."
"Oh my gosh, you're back!" Miranda screamed at the doorway, and came rushing inside the cabin. The moment her vibrant spirit entered the room, it chased away the dismal cloud of emotion hovering over Kylie.
Miranda embraced Holiday, nearly turning over the chair in the process. "I'm so glad you're back. We need you here. I mean ... Burnett's okay, but ... he's not you."
Holiday arched a brow. "I hear he wasn't even himself for a while there."
Miranda frowned. "He told you about the whole kangaroo thing, didn't he."
"Yeah," Holiday said, and her brows tightened. "And I must say, I'm very disappointed with you, Miranda." She reached out and gripped Miranda's hand. "The next time you turn him into anything, do it when I'm here to enjoy it."
They all started laughing.
It was thirty minutes before Kylie and Holiday were able to pull away from Miranda to continue their private conversation. Especially when Miranda told Holiday about her sort of/kind of feeling that they had another mystical stalker in the camp. Kylie wondered if the stalker wasn't her little blue jay friend.
Now, Kylie and Holiday sat out on the front porch. The five o'clock sun, touched with a bit more golden hue, brushed against their faces. Kylie dangled her legs off its edge. Holiday did the same.
Kylie, barefoot, swayed her feet back and forth, and the longer blades of grass tickled the bottoms of her feet. Her mind went to the things she needed to talk to Holiday about.
"Did Burnett tell you about my asking about the FRU library?"
Holiday frowned.
Not a good sign.
"Yeah, he mentioned it."
"Why would they not let me see information about other supernaturals like myself if they had that information on file?" Frustration sounded in Kylie's tone. She hoped Holiday knew it wasn't targeted at her.
"I don't know," Holiday said, and Kylie believed her. "But I do know that the FRU is like any other government organization: they have skeletons in their own closet. Why, years ago, before I was born, most supernaturals considered all werewolves basically animals. They used to hurt them."
"Why?" Kylie asked, completely insulted on behalf of Lucas and the rest of his kind.
"Ignorance. Stupidity. Take your pick. It's the same thing that happened to a lot of minority groups. Supernaturals can act a lot more like humans than you'd think."
Holiday reached for Kylie's right hand and opened her palm. "I heard you caught a fireball that would have hit Miranda."
Kylie nodded and then asked the question she'd been wanting to ask since the night of the party. "Do you think this proves I'm a protector?"
Holiday shrugged as if she didn't think Kylie would like the answer. "Probably."
Holiday was right. She didn't like the answer. Especially when it just brought on more questions. "What does it really mean to be a protector? I've heard some of it. But ... okay, here's the thing. Miranda said that every protector she's ever heard of had been a full-blooded paranormal. And I'm not."
"I know." Holiday looked as confused as Kylie felt.
"What could that mean?"
"I don't know, but I could guess it means what I've known all along. Kylie Galen is special." She held up her hand. "I know you don't like hearing that, Kylie, but I think you better start getting used to the idea."
Fear, insecurity, and probably a dozen other negative emotions all washed over her. "What if I don't measure up?" she asked in a low whisper. "What if I'm too afraid to do what I have to do and I turn out to be one lousy protector?"
Holiday pulled one leg up on the porch, rested her chin on her knee, and gazed at Kylie as if she'd said something really stupid, like calling the earth square. "Were you scared when you caught that fireball?"
"No, but I didn't have time to be scared. If I'd known I was going to catch the fireball and had time to think about it, I'd probably have needed to carry an extra pair of panties with me, because I'd have probably pissed myself."
Holiday smiled. "Maybe, but you'd have still done it."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Kylie said.
"Please. Look at this whole Berta Littlemon/Catherine O'Connell issue. I'm scared for you to continue investigating this. I told you it's dangerous, but you refuse to drop it. You put the welfare of others before yourself."
Kylie hadn't looked at it like that, and she guessed Holiday had a point, but ... "I'm not a saint," she insisted. "I sin all the time."
Holiday lifted one eyebrow. "Say what?"
Kylie stared down at her toes for a second. Her pink nail polish was chipping, and so was her courage. Then she looked back up at Holiday's eyes and decided to confess. "Miranda said that protectors are like saints. Not only am I not a saint, I don't even want to be a saint. I want to live a normal life. I want to have fun." She thought of how it felt to kiss Lucas and blushed. "Maybe even sin a little."
Holiday started to grin.
Kylie frowned. "You know what I mean. I want to live my life like every other sixteen-year-old girl. I want to tell dirty jokes with my friends, maybe drink some cool alcohol drink every now and then-that doesn't taste like dog piss-and get tipsy. Not that I'll drive afterward or anything."
Holiday chuckled and Kylie expected the fae had probably picked up on Kylie's emotions and knew what else she wanted to do.
And with whom she wanted to do it.
"Being a protector doesn't make you a saint," Holiday said. "It makes you a caring person. You don't have to give up boys."
Kylie felt her face burn a little hotter. She put her palms down behind her and leaned back. "Well, that's the best news I've had all day."
Holiday laughed again. "How are things going in the 'boy' department?"
"Better. Not perfect," Kylie answered, and she thought about Lucas's reaction to the ghosts and the whole issue with his pack.
"Better is good," Holiday said. "Derek has already called me since I've been back, asking me how you were. He said he heard about what happened at the cemetery. Have you seen him?"
"Not much." Kylie swallowed. She didn't want to talk about him, because then she'd be tempted to ask about the reason for Derek's sudden overcharged reaction to her emotions. If anyone would know that answer, it would be Holiday. But frankly, Kylie didn't think she should care. Not when Derek didn't care enough to put his pride aside and ask for the guidance himself.
The next hour rolled past and they just sat there on the porch, enjoying the breeze that wasn't exactly cool, but not terribly hot either, and they talked about everything but Lucas and Derek. Kylie asked if Burnett had told her anything about the Brightens that he hadn't shared with her.
Holiday assured her that Burnett wasn't keeping anything from her.
"Have you spoken with your stepdad?" Holiday asked a few minutes later.
"Not since I've been back," Kylie confessed. "But I have an e-mail from him and I'll bet he's planning on coming for Parents Day."
"But you don't want him to come?"
"I don't know," Kylie admitted. "I was almost ready to forgive him. But when he tried to use me to get to my mom by saying, 'Kylie would love for us all to go out for lunch,' that's when I remembered how mad I still was at him for leaving us."
"So you haven't forgiven him yet?"
"Maybe I've forgiven him, but I just haven't forgotten."
"Thing is, those two sort of go hand in hand. Not that you'll ever really forget, but you accept that it happened and move on. You accept that all people make mistakes. No one is perfect."
"And what if you can't?" Kylie watched a bee buzz past her. "What if I can't ever really forgive him?"
"Then you let go," she said.
Kylie remembered how she'd hugged her father when he'd come to see her and told her he was sorry. While it had been hard, even painful, hugging him had felt right. She wasn't ready to let go of what they'd had. It would hurt too much.
Even more than accepting the truth.
She couldn't help wondering if that was how one made the decision to forgive or not. If letting go hurt more than accepting someone's mistakes. She could only hope that in time, accepting would come easier for her.
"Are you going to e-mail and tell him to come up for Parents Day?"
"Probably. But he and Mom will have to take shifts again. I don't think they can be in the same room together. Maybe not even on the same block."
"That could change," Holiday said, and brushed an insect away.
Kylie decided to tell Holiday her fear about her mom. "I think my mom is ready to start dating."
"Yikes! I remember when my parents did that. Talk about awkward."
"Yeah. She's ready, but I'm not sure I am." Kylie bit down on her lip. "I guess down deep I was always hoping they would get back together. And I could have one thing that was like it used to be. A little bit of normal would be good, ya know?"
"Yeah, but normal is overrated, too." She grinned. "So tell me about this blue jay."
Kylie wrapped her arms around her legs tight and told her the story. Then she decided to ask the big question. "How much of my soul did I give away?"
"If you gave any of it away, it was very, very little. You won't even miss it."
"But what happens when I give it away? Do I die earlier? Am I more likely to go to hell? What's the price of a piece of my soul?"
Holiday shrugged. "Well, if you do indeed have the ability to raise the dead, the price varies. If it's ordained by the gods, then its cost to you is nothing. It even adds to your soul."
"How do you know if it's ordained?" Kylie asked.
"You'll just know. The powers that be will make it very clear."
Kylie shivered a bit at the mention of the powers that be. She hesitated to ask her next question, but as she'd told Holiday earlier, ignorance was a lousy form of protection. "And if it's not ordained?"
"Then the price is based on the quality of life that the person goes on to live. If they live a good life, the price is very low. Practically moot. If they abuse life, or the lives of others, then it can nip at your soul. Their sins, in a small way, become your sins. I'm not sure how accountable one is held for these sins, but I've heard emotionally it can leave you feeling empty. And yes, the less soul you have, the shorter the life you usually live."
Kylie frowned. "Kind of makes you not want to bring anyone back."
"Well, I'm sure it was designed that way so it gives people pause. As hard as it is, death is a part of life. But we're probably discussing this for nothing, Kylie. Just because you think you might have brought a bird back to life doesn't mean you have this gift."
Kylie wanted to believe what Holiday was saying was true, but she wasn't sure she did. "Does healing someone take a part of my soul? I mean, if bringing someone to life does, it makes sense that healing them might, too."
"Not like it does raising the dead," Holiday said. "It does drain you, though."
Kylie remembered how tired she'd felt after healing Sara and then Lucas.
"I'd like for you and Helen to work together on this," Holiday said. "Maybe even meet regularly like a species group."
Kylie raised an eyebrow and suspected she knew what Holiday was up to. "Because I don't belong to a group, right? That's why you're doing this?"
Holiday rolled her eyes. "You belong here at Shadow Falls. Just because you don't belong to a certain group doesn't mean anything."
Kylie nodded. "I like Helen."
After a few minutes of just listening to nature, she told Holiday all about the blue jay's little dog-and-pony shows. Holiday didn't have an explanation for the bird's pop-in visits, except to say that maybe the bird was only a fledgling and it sort of imprinted on her, meaning it thought Kylie was his mother.
"God, I hope not. Because I'm not chewing up worms and barfing into its mouth. I mean, I know that's what mama birds do."
Holiday laughed.
Kylie looked at her friend and counselor, and the most important question of all popped out. "Does any of this give you any clue as to what I am?"
Holiday frowned. "I wish it did."
"What if I never find out? What if I go through my life never knowing?"
"That's not likely," Holiday said. "Almost every week, we discover something else about you. Sooner or later, something is going to point you in the right direction."
Kylie looked down and watched an ant move across the porch. "I think Lucas wants me to be werewolf."
"Yes, but what Lucas wants isn't important."
Something told Kylie that Holiday understood the reason Lucas wanted this. She almost asked, but she wasn't sure she was ready to talk about it.
"You will be what you are, and whatever it is, you will be fine. Everyone has to accept that and love you for who you are; it doesn't really matter where your heritage comes from."
For some reason, Kylie remembered Derek saying pretty much the same thing.
Holiday's phone rang. She looked at the number and then glanced at Kylie.
"Who is it?" Kylie asked, sensing it was about her.
"Derek again."
Kylie sighed. Why did just hearing his name still sting?