“I’m not.” The way she answers too fast with too much conviction twists my insides. When the three men who should be taking bullets for her stand by and let insults be thrown at her, how can I convince her otherwise?
“You are. You deserve better than this.”
The air thickens with her quiet resolve. I slide over and wrap an arm around her shoulder. She stays frozen, unmoving. Come on, Haley... “I mean it. I’m in love with you.”
She releases a long stream of air and I briefly close my eyes when she settles her head on my shoulder. “Tell me we’re still together, Haley.”
“I slept with Matt,” she says.
My head drops back, but I keep her body tight to mine, even when she tries to pull away. She slept with Matt. Slept with him. Had sex with him. They were together for a year. What the hell did I think they would be doing?
I long to reach inside my brain and tear out the images those four words produced. Thinking of her with another guy—kills me. Thinking of her with the bastard I hate the most—slays me. I say I love her; she announces she slept with the guy. Unfortunately, her admission seems to fit into this mess.
“Okay?” I’m not a good enough person to keep the edge out of my voice.
“While Matt and I were together, Matt told Jax about our...um...” Haley covers her eyes with her hand and her shyness, her embarrassment, chips away at some of my anger.
“Extracurricular activities?” I need a shotgun to blow the scenarios out of my head.
“Yeah, that. Matt told him before a match to piss him off and it worked. Jax lost his temper, which means he lost his game plan, which means he lost the fight. Sound familiar?”
“Temper. Fights. Moving on.”
“I’m serious. You need to work on impulsive decision making.”
I mess a hand through my hair. “I’ve got images of Matt too near you for comfort. Keep talking before I perform my own lobotomy.”
“Anyhow...I was mad at Matt. So mad I wouldn’t talk to him for days.”
She hesitates and I want this conversation over as quickly as possible. “So?”
Haley folds into herself. “After the fight, Jax called me a slut.”
Jesus. And there is finally a contender against my family for the most screwed-up award.
“Jax later apologized,” she says in a quiet voice. “He came to my home and got down on his knees and apologized. I had never seen him so upset over anything in my life...” Haley sighs. “Until when he thought I had lied to him about dating you...and then there would be tonight.”
“He should have never said it.”
“No, he shouldn’t, but you don’t understand me and Matt. My grandfather, Kaden and Jax hated him and I thought it was because he fought for Black Fire. They were mad at me for not listening. I was mad at them for not giving him a chance, so I switched gyms and began training with Matt and if the story ended there, then it wouldn’t be so bad, but it doesn’t.”
I ache for Haley because I understand downward trajectories. Regret, in my experience, can be sharper than a knife. I lift Haley, gather her onto my lap and kiss her temple. My arms create the shelter her family should be providing. I like the light weight of her against my legs, the warmth between our bodies and her beautiful fragrance filling the air.
For comfort, for strength, I rub her back like I used to do with Rachel. Haley’s a private person and sharing with me has to be like yanking a camel through the eye of a needle.
“I was mad at them, and then Jax called me a slut.” She exhales sharply. “I taught Matt how to defeat Kaden and Jax by showing him their weaknesses. I taught him how to defeat my family. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take it all back.”
I rest my cheek against the top of her head, hold her closer to me and rock her in my arms. Her fingers grasp my shirt as if a hole is threatening to appear below her feet and consume her. I think of Rachel and all the rotten decisions I made that led her to the hospital...that possibly cost her the ability to walk.
“I understand,” I tell her. “I get it. So say it. Tell me we’re still together.”
Chapter 51
Haley
Nothing is ever easy. My relationship with Kaden and Jax is as messed up as ever, Matt wants me back, my father wouldn’t even talk to me last night after the fight with my uncle, West Young told me he loved me and I told him I needed time.
There’s a darkness inside me, this shadow that keeps me from delving into my emotions too deeply and saying it back. The last boy I loved hurt me and I’m, once again, dating a fighter.
As I walk into the gym, the uneasiness spreads. Actually, it battles against the overwhelming sense of home. When I’m here, when I’m training, it’s the only time the darkness fades away. I pause outside the locker room and watch as Kaden and Jax spar in the ring.
I try to deny it, but West also drains the darkness from my soul. I don’t want to love him, but I do. Something within me is broken; a contagion that obliterates my relationships. Like with Kaden, Jax and my father. If I continue this with West, will I also destroy him?
“You’re late!” Jax dips between the ropes and yanks off his headgear as he trots over to me. “I came early hoping we’d talk.”
I stayed locked in the attic last night and arrived late hoping we wouldn’t. “Had stuff.”
“Yeah.” He scratches the back of his head. “I didn’t call you a slut again. I was talking about what happened last year and Dad heard.”