The snake. I bloody knew it. I love how he’s trying to make it all about her, not himself.
“So you can have a go at her?” I ask. My heart and lungs have gone haywire.
“I will not pursue her if you do not wish me to. But you must tell me.”
The room goes spotty. This is really happening.
I can barely unhinge my jaw to speak the next words. “It’s not my permission you need, Kope. Talk to her father.” Perhaps if he asks Belial, he’ll get the same heartwarming pep talk I received. Then again, this is Kopano, perfect and safe, with a father who’s not interested in killing Anna—not set on making her work.
Kope wants to make her happy. Is that what she wants from him?
“Please, Kaidan.” He sounds weary, and I wonder where he is and what they’re up to. “I do not wish to quarrel.”
“Tell me: Does she know about you yet?”
He falls silent and I slowly grin without humor—I’ve reminded him he’s not perfect.
“No,” he finally whispers.
I think about him unleashing himself on Anna. Who knows what would happen if Kopano actually let loose? “Be careful,” I say.
“I am ever aware, brother. And now I need your honesty. What are your feelings for her?”
A laugh escapes me, but I’m not amused. Not one bit. I feel like an animal backed into a corner by his persistent pushing. I hate Kopano at this moment more than I’ve hated anyone. He knows I have no right to keep her from moving on. She is her own person, and I’m not allowed to see her. If I’ve truly let her go the way I swore I would after the summit, I cannot hold on to any part of her, even from afar.
Perhaps to the outside world it looks as if I don’t care about her anymore, but I believe Kope knows the truth. He’s taking advantage of my inaction.
As much as it kills me, I have to wonder if this is my true test of self. Can I do what’s best for Anna if it means she’ll be with Kopano? If they are meant for each other, can I stand aside and let them be together?
I squeeze my eyes shut and try hard not to crumble as I say the next words. “I’ve made it clear to her there’s no future for us, mate. So have at it. Best of luck to you.”
I wish I could say I spoke those words with a gracious heart. I wish I could say I’m happy for them. That doing the right thing feels good. But I can’t, because my heart is full of malice, and I’m afraid it will eat me alive.
I want Anna to be happy. I want her to have what I can’t, even if it murders my heart every day of my life.
Come February, Blake and I are still in the dark about where Anna and Kopano are traveling, and why. It’s taking every ounce of self-control I can muster not to call Anna and ruin a year’s worth of self-control. It is work staying away from her, knowing her feelings have likely changed. It’s the only selfless thing I’ve done in my life, and let’s just say I’m not happy about it.
I’m a right bear to be around.
No sex, plus no Anna, plus Anna with Kope, equals the recipe for one mad chap.
I’ve been in two fights this month already, which hasn’t happened in ages. The second was yesterday in Santa Barbara with some knob who does motocross with Blake. So I’m not surprised today when Marna rings me.
“Babe, you’ve got to stop this. I mean it.”
“Stop what?” I fall back on my bed, rubbing my forehead. “Everything’s fine.”
“They’re only friends. I swear to you.”
“I’ve no clue who you’re talking about, but good on them.” Bloody well hope her father’s not listening.
“I’m out of town,” she says, as if reading my mind. “About to make my next flight.”
“He asked me to be with her,” I blurt.
“Eh? Don’t know anything about that. But it’s not happening. Believe me.”
She sounds certain, but I refuse to hope. “Was there a bond when you saw them?” I can’t believe I’m asking. My chest shakes when I exhale.
“No relationship bonds,” Marna says. Then, because she can’t help herself, she rushes on. “Perhaps a slight attraction, but you know how fickle that is. Nothing to worry about.”
I grunt.
“I mean it! Be careful, you. And chin up.”
I grunt again and she sighs before hanging up.
They’re only friends. I swear to you.
A bit of the dark cloud I’ve been living under lightens.
I haven’t truly worked in four months, since the party in New York. It’s been brutal restarting my sensual fast. If this is what Kopano feels like all the time, I feel sorry for him. And I hate him even more for being so calm all the damn time, making it seem easy.
Every interaction is difficult for me. In my muddled mind, a simple “How are you today?” turns into a purred “How do you want it, baby?”
But still, the only person I want in my bed is Anna Whitt. And that will never happen. Hence, anger and frustration.
These sour feelings are compounded when Father rings me on February 13, saying I’m needed in Atlanta the very next day. He gives no details, but my blood runs cold. Working in Atlanta can mean only one thing: Marissa. I suppose I should consider myself lucky this is the first time he’s called me to Georgia in the fourteen months I’ve lived here. Still . . . it’s one call too many.
Then one tiny spark of light fills my mind. I’ll be close to Anna. So very close.