She lifted her left shoulder slightly. “You turned out just fine. Successful. Happy.”
I laughed. My laugh held no amusement but disgust. She honestly thought I had turned out fine. Because I had been successful? The shallowness that consumed this woman was hard to be around. I didn’t want to talk to her. If I could do this without her I would. But she was Wills’ mother.
“Success doesn’t equal happiness, Hilda.”
She raised her eyebrows as if what I’d said was ridiculous. “Winston, you have never wanted for anything. Not once. I was cold in the winter, I went to bed hungry every night, and my clothes were either made by my mother or they were found in trash bins, thrown out by others. I lived in poverty. I watched my mother die from a cough that eventually consumed her in a cold, little one-bedroom shack. That is real fucking life. What Wills has is everything I didn’t. I love my son and I know that he has more than I ever imagined having.”
I’d never known anything about Hilda’s youth or family. And although that was a sad story I still asked, “Did your mother try to keep you warm? Did she beat you or call you names to belittle you? Did she take care of you when you were sick? Did she love you?”
I stopped and waited for her to respond. Hilda tensed and I watched as she took a deep breath through her nose. I’d hit a nerve. She finally gave me a tight nod. That was it.
“Yes, she beat you? Or yes, she took care of you the best she could? She loved you?”
Hilda cut her eyes away from me. “She did the best she could.”
“Did you feel loved?” I repeated.
There was no response for several seconds. When Hilda finally turned her gaze back to me she said, “Yes. But love didn’t feed me or keep me warm. Love didn’t give me a fortune.”
She was right about one thing. I’d never been cold or hungry.
“A child needs love just as much as they need warmth and food. The lack of love damages you. I want Wills to feel loved. I don’t want him hiding for fear his father will get angry with him and use his fists. That fear never goes away, even as an adult that can easily handle himself. It’s there in your nightmares reminding you that you were weak once. You were alone.”
Hilda sighed and took the napkin from her lap and placed it on the table in front of her before she stood up. “I can’t keep doing this with you. We are not going to agree on what is best for Wills. If he’s your son, I know he’ll have just as much advantage in this world than if he is your father’s son. Do whatever you think you must. But leave me out of it. I gave Wills up before he was born. That pre-nup made sure of it.”
Hilda picked up her purse and tucked it under her arm.
“I swabbed the inside of his mouth while he slept during my last visit. I’ll know If he is my son or my brother soon,” I told her. “If he is, I will fight for him. If he isn’t, I will still fight. If you won’t, I will.”
She gave a nod. “Like I said, do what you think you must. Goodbye, Winston.”
I sat there as she walked away. I’d flown to Chicago hoping I could persuade her to stand with me in court. Having Wills’ mother there testifying against my father would be huge. However, I knew that was a long shot. Hilda hadn’t been cooperative any of the other times I’d tried to get her with Wills. Even after she’d been on the receiving end of my father’s fist. She knew how brutal he could be.
Standing, I laid money to cover the check on the table and left.
This was my last chance to get her on board before I moved forward either way. I would know tomorrow, if not sooner. They’d assured me the express test would take no longer than seventy-two hours.
If Wills was my son, I’d probably never forgive myself for not saving him sooner. The pain of that reality would haunt me. Forever.
Beulah
A SHORT NOTE. THAT WAS all I had from Stone.
All it said was, I’ll be home late.
Nothing more. No reason why. He hadn’t even added an “I love you.” Maybe it was girly of me to thinking that, but I hadn’t heard from him all day. And I get home and find that note.
I hadn’t eaten dinner with Geraldine thinking I would cook something for us tonight. We could have a nice meal together and talk about our day. I wanted to be there for him to discuss what his next steps were with Wills.
Nope. I was alone. With no information other than he would be home late.
Sitting in the kitchen, I ate a bowl of chicken noodle soup I had found in the pantry and heated up. There was nothing appetizing about canned noodle soup, but I wasn’t going to cook just for me. The saltine crackers helped the taste somewhat. My plans to make spinach and chicken gnocchi for a nice dinner were now gone.
The apartment was quiet. I’d been here with it empty except for me more than I had been here with Stone. At least it seemed that way. I was being whiny. I knew my roaming thoughts were unreasonable, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself.
Life with Stone was never going to be predictable or normal. I shouldn’t expect it to be. Especially now. He had a lot on his shoulders. More than I could imagine. I had to be his support not another responsibility—he didn’t need that.
Pausing mid-bite, the soup suddenly smelled funny. My mood was more than likely the cause. I stood up and walked to the sink to dump the soup, washed it down the sink disposal. A bath sounded nice. I would do that while I waited on Stone. Eating wasn’t enjoyable.
After I washed my bowl and put it away, I headed to the room I had been sleeping in and decided I would use that bathroom. It felt weird going into Stone’s bedroom and personal space without him here. This wasn’t my home. I was referring to it as if it were, but this was Stone’s home, not mine. I didn’t have a home.
Stopping to look at myself in the mirror, I wondered if I should think about getting a place of my own. Stone had never mentioned that he wanted me to live with him permanently. We were . . . we were a couple. But that didn’t mean he planned on us living under the same roof. Feeling displaced was normal for me, but it didn’t make it feel less lonely. It made me miss my mother and our home.
Would she approve of Stone? I hadn’t thought of that. I’d been so wrapped up in how he made me feel that I didn’t stop and think about what my mother would have done in this situation. I had never seen her date or get serious with a man. Heidi and I had been her center. Her world. Had she ever been lonely? As a mother of two girls with no help, having a life outside of us had to be incredibly hard. She had no one to lean on, no support.
Once again, I was reminded of how tough my mother was. She was strong. She had raised me to believe in myself and to never depend on someone else. She’d taught me to change a tire, fix a lawn mower, climb a ladder to check the roof, and never think I needed a man for anything. And here I was feeling lonely without a man. I was vulnerable where I had been raised never to put myself in this situation.
The man who donated part of my DNA never came around. He never asked about me. Never helped her once. And I never heard her complain, mention him, or blame him for the difficulties I know she had to face. It was as if he never existed.
I walked into the bathroom and turned on the water for my bath. I would never be as tough as my mother. I could blame that on the unknown man who helped give me life. He was weak. Maybe that was where this emotional outcry was coming from.
With a sigh, I took off my clothing and stepped into the warm water. My head was all over the place. My emotions abnormally raw. It wasn’t like me to worry and get worked up so easily. Stone has a job. He can’t be expected to be here with me all the time. That was silly and I needed to get over myself.