“I guess I can talk to Jay about it,” I said, leaving out the fact that it was Patti I’d have to convince. “But you know that I don’t really party, as in party party.” I couldn’t even make eye contact after saying such a lame thing, but I didn’t want him having any false expectations.
“Yeah, I know,” he said. “Why is that?”
How could I explain it? I didn’t have any nagging judgment toward my peers for drinking and partying. I knew it was innocent rebellion and self-exploration. But there was always a promise of dangerous excitement I strongly desired. Ironically, it was that desire that repelled me.
“Are you scared?” he asked.
“Kind of,” I admitted. “I don’t like the fact that it might make me do something I wouldn’t normally do.”
“That’s the fun of it. It makes you open and free.”
Open and free. I wondered if that was how Danny Lawrence had felt when he passed out on the lawn of a party last year and the other drunk guys thought it would be funny to stand around peeing on him. Or the most terrible thing that happened over Christmas break, which nobody talked about at Cass—the senior girl who was high and drove off the road, killing her best friend in the passenger seat. Had she been feeling bold? Every time I saw her walking the halls in a black cloud of remorse, I wanted to cry for her.
“I guess I’m just boring,” I mumbled.
I was ready to close down this conversation. I looked up at the clock, thankful to see the bell was about to ring.
“Trust me, Anna.” Scott leaned in. “One drink in you, or one hit of X, and you’ll feel anything but boring.”
Everything inside of me tightened. X. Ecstasy. The word bounced around in my head like a rubber ball, out of control and impossible to catch. My dark undercurrent stirred with craving and my breathing quickened. I didn’t like to acknowledge that darkness. It rose at any mention of drugs and alcohol. And to be honest, it was what had drawn me to Jay last year. I saw something similar in him, though not exactly the same.
A dark strand ran under the surface of his emotions. It was always there, threatening, especially at the mention of alcohol. I didn’t know what it meant, but I wanted us in it together. I thought I might be able to help him, or protect him. A funny thought, considering he was a brawny guy.
I looked at Scott, who grinned at me. Not a sinister grin, but an I-want-to-experience-something-with-you grin.
Veronica must have caught wind of our hushed conversation, because she turned and gave a conspiratorial smile to the two of us.
“Are you going to the party, Anna?” she asked.
“I don’t know, maybe.”
“You should come! It’s gonna be crazy. Everyone will be there.”
I looked down and traced the wooden grooves in the desk with my pencil’s eraser. Could I get away with changing the subject?
“So, I’m turning sixteen on Wednesday. I’m getting my license.”
“I am so jealous!” Veronica said, smacking my desk. “I’ve been sixteen for three months already, and my dad still hasn’t let me get mine! I’m pretty sure he hates me. Are you getting a car?”
“Uh, no.” Not even close.
Everyone jumped up and grabbed their things as the bell rang, and the tension that held a viselike grip on my neck finally relaxed its vicious fingers and released me.
CHAPTER THREE
SWEET-SIXTEEN SURPRISE
I didn’t feel any older when I woke up on Wednesday morning. Patti was out on our small balcony with her coffee and newspaper. She snapped to attention, and her face brightened when she saw me.
Something misty hovered beside her like a ghost. I pressed my fingers to my eyes, but when I took them away it was still there. It was about the same size as her, maybe longer, like a fuzzy white shadow. Had I developed another sight? Please, no. I’d learned to fear the acquisition of new abilities; like the choking horror of smoke from a mile away, each came with some fresh disadvantage.
“Happy birthday!” Patti said, standing and pulling me into a big hug, then cupping my face and gazing into my eyes. “You feeling okay?”
“Um...” My eye glided to the cloud thing, which moved around her, never changing its general appearance.
“What’s wrong?” She looked down at her shoulder where my eyes were, and wiped down the length of her arm, right next to the cloud. “Please don’t tell me I have dandruff.” She ran a hand through her waves, pulling her hair to the side to get a look at it.
“No, you don’t. Nothing’s wrong. Sorry. I’m still tired, just zoning out.”
She squeezed me again, kissing my head.
“I can’t believe my little girl is sixteen! There’s a card from Nana on the counter. Let me go make your hot chocolate.” The shadow thing floated along next to her, following her into the apartment as if attached.
I sat down in a plastic chair, feeling jittery, while Patti made my cocoa. Most mornings were relaxing, sipping warm drinks on the balcony, but not today. The combination of the humid morning air and the weird vision made me feel claustrophobic.
I couldn’t believe I was seeing something else. Nothing strange had happened to me for more than two years. I thought it was over. I closed my eyes and laid my forehead on the table. Would it ever end?
I sat up when Patti returned, setting my cocoa in front of me and sitting in the other plastic chair with her coffee. I sneaked another peek at the cloud when she wasn’t looking.