But he was just staring at me.
His eyes were the deepest green I had ever seen and his jaw was tight with tension. I started to feel self-conscious from the intensity of his look.
Finally I said, “What?” I brushed at my skirt and waited for him to say something, to say anything.
“You’re breathtaking,” he finally said in a low, raspy voice that sent shivers skittering across my skin. “Stella, you’re beautiful.”
I pressed my lips together to keep from grinning like an idiot. But that was exactly the response I was hoping for.
“Pictures!” My mom declared.
I moved to stand next to Tristan, keeping my eyes locked on his. He seemed just as unwilling to let me go as I was to look elsewhere. But eventually I had to.
He pulled me into his side and I slid my arm around his back, the cool, softness of his suit jacket was shocking against my super-heated skin. Tristan wrapped an arm around my waist, too, and then another around my front and pulled me closer to him.
“Stella, babe, tone down the glow,” my mom commanded from behind the camera.
I tried my best to hide my excitement for the evening, for getting a free pass to go out with Tristan- even if it was just for one night- and for being wrapped so tightly in his arms, but I couldn’t. I was beaming with Light. I couldn’t control it anymore.
My mom just shook her head while smiling almost as big as me. She took a hundred pictures, my dad gave Tristan a very firm reminder about my nonexistent curfew and then gave me a big hug and kiss.
After what felt like forever, we were finally alone in Tristan’s big truck and leaving my house in our dust. We were headed to dinner in Fremont before the dance and as far as I knew we were doing this all alone. Lincoln and Piper had gotten a limo and were sharing it with Bree and her date, senior baseball stud- Milo Reed, and Rigley and his date, sophomore Cara Williams.
As far as I knew Piper and Tristan still weren’t talking. But I hadn’t exactly helped things along with my depressing attitude this week.
And anyway, it was kind of nice to just be the two of us. If this was our one sanctioned date, I selfishly didn’t want to share Tristan with anybody else. I wanted him all to myself.
He reached across the cab and took my hand, tugging me closer to him. The radio was off and the only sound that filled the truck was our breathing and the crunch of gravel beneath his tires. I let out a shaky breath and then tilted my head back carefully, so I wouldn’t mess up my pretty hair on his high-backed seats.
“Are you all right, Stel?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” I answered honestly. For the first time in weeks I really was Ok. There were a million problems that should have been tumbling through my head on a sadistic, masochistic repeat, but I was ignoring them all right now. I wanted tonight. I wanted tonight to be mine, untainted by Aliah and all his dark plans. I wanted to enjoy Tristan without the massive guilt that usually plagued me.
And most of all I wanted to dance.
We drove for a while like that, just holding hands and not talking. Suddenly, Tristan was turning right and whipping off the highway with almost no notice. I gripped the door handle and just barely managed to swallow a surprised scream.
Just as quickly as we turned, Tristan pulled over and we were parked on the side of a field. We were facing west just as the huge, burning sun was about to meet the horizon. It cast long, golden rays of sunlight on almost everything that stretched between us and it.
Tristan turned the key in the ignition and the angry rumble from the engine died, leaving us in a severe kind of silence. He looked over at me, with my hand in his and I felt the strongest urge to crawl into his lap, lay my head on his shoulder and then cry for the next three months.
Or fall asleep and finally get a few hours in a row.
All of a sudden he let go of my hand and hopped out of his truck in one fluid motion. I watched him walk around the front hood and open my door. He took both of my hands- without saying a word and then helped me down.
My heels sunk into the soft earth but I followed Tristan to the back of his truck. He held up a finger and then raced around to the driver’s side again. He returned with a soft, plush blanket I knew he stole from his living room.
He dropped the gate to his truck bed and then spread out the blanket. “Can we have a few moments to ourselves?”
I nodded, too charmed by the moment to find my voice. He reached for me, taking my waist firmly in his hands and lifted me to sit on the blanket. The beading of my dress dug into the backs of my thighs, so I adjusted until I was comfortable and my dress wasn’t in danger of wrinkling or getting torn. Tristan hopped up next to me, so close I felt the smooth silk of his pants against my bare legs. He smelled amazing tonight, like himself and the masculine scent of a cologne he usually didn’t bother with. He was so handsome.
And he was Tristan- my Tristan.
There was something happening to us though. I felt it every time we were together now, with every touch, every look.
We were drifting apart and I wondered if he noticed it as acutely as I did. By his especially quiet and somber mood I had to believe that he did.
It was funny how the removal of Seth from my life was the catalyst to me choosing which boy I would give my heart completely. Seth wasn’t even technically an option right now- and maybe never would be again.
But he still held my heart in his soulless hands- all of it, not just a piece or a portion. Seth owned my soul in the absence of his.
I loved him with all of me. I would do anything to be with him again, to make him safe again.
And tonight I would give Tristan this moment. My last gift to the boy I had loved for most of my life so far.
I did still love him. It was amazing how I could be split so definitively between two boys that commanded so much affection. It wasn’t a race, or a contest, it was a tragedy that split my entire being in two right along with my heart.
I would always love Tristan. Always. But not with the same consuming, life-defining power that I loved Seth with. I was split in two, but not evenly. And this time I was listening to my heart, I was following my instincts that were supposed to be honed and perceptive.
My entire life I had accepted a destiny that didn’t seem real and a future I would one day “get around to”. And then it happened to me and I felt this rebellious instinct to fight against it- to fight against Seth. Had I given into the eventuality of my fate, I didn’t believe I would have fallen for Seth as hard as I did. It was in my frantic attempt to escape him and what he stood for that I realized how desperately I needed him, how wholly I loved him.
But because of those same reasons, I lost him.
Now I would give up Tristan so I could find Seth again. And this time I would keep him.
Still, tonight was Tristan’s. The last of our nights like this.
I looked up at him from under my heavily mascara-ed lashes and pressed my lips together. There were so many things I needed to say, but I didn’t want to ruin the night.
Without looking down at me he sighed and said, “I know.”
His resigned tone caught me off guard and I felt the tears immediately prick at my eyes. “What do you know?”
He didn’t answer, but slowly turned to look at me. His eyes were so brightly green and soul-searching I felt completely exposed under his gaze. He leaned forward until his head rested against mine. When I breathed in, it was entirely him- his scent, his essence, his love.
“You’ve ruined me forever, you know that, right?” he asked in a husky rumble.
I shook my head slowly so I wouldn’t break our gentle contact. “Not forever,” I promised.
“I’m going to kiss you now,” he breathed and the force of his conviction shook me to my bones.
His lips brushed against mine, so gently I barely felt them at first. I felt him shiver against the contact and then his mouth was on mine firmly. His soft, full lips pressed against mine with a quiet, demanding desperation. I kissed him back, feeling years and years of wanting and longing click into place and finally find fulfillment.
He tasted as perfect as I had always imagined. His kisses were as needy and hungry as mine. His tongue swept mine with a possessive power that I would remember forever- no matter what happened from this moment on; I had this perfect kiss to remember Tristan by.
And I would. I would always remember Tristan and this flawless moment.
His hand reached up to cup my jaw, the other sliding around my back and pulling me closer so that my chest pressed against his completely. His mouth moved against mine, stoking a growing fire that had been building forever. I tasted him, savored him, consumed him as greedily as I had always wanted to.
I reached up and allowed my hands to feel him like this, like I had always wanted to. This wasn’t a friendly hand hold or an innocent hug. This was the culmination of a lifetime of feelings for each other we had always denied ourselves, always ignored in the shadow of a fate I never really wanted until recently. His chest was hot and hard under my fingers, even through his layers of nice clothing I could feel the defined muscle that made him up.
I slid my hands slowly over him, feeling every inch of his delicious chest and then wrapped them around his neck. His short hair tickled the pads of my fingers, and I allowed myself to caress the back of his head, whimpering as he deepened the kiss.
The world- my life, my entire existence- had shrunk into this one moment, into the feel of Tristan’s lips against mine; his body pressed tightly to mine and the steady draw of my heart and hopes for a future that could never be from my soul into his.
I would take this moment with me and treasure it forever. It didn’t matter that I was giving him up or that this kiss meant goodbye. A part of me would always love Tristan. But we were a future that could never be. We were a love that couldn’t compete with the depth of feeling I had for Seth standing between us.
So even while it was love, it wasn’t enough to sustain the rest of my life. It was real, and honest, but it wasn’t the end-all love I was meant to feel.
It wasn’t the love that would get me through the very difficult destiny that laid out before me.
I was embarrassed at the two traitorous tears that fell from my eyes, landing hotly on my cheeks and ruining my makeup. Tristan felt them, or sensed them- I wasn’t sure- and immediately kissed them away. And when his lips returned to mine they were salty and wet from the evidence of my heartache.
With a last punishing push of exposed emotion, Tristan branded his love against my lips so that I would never forget him. There was a climax to our kiss that screamed our feelings for each other, the fullness of finally tasting each other while the world crumbled around us, and the utter heartbreak that would shatter us when we pulled apart.
It was as innocent as it was hungry and passionate. It was as perfect as it was soul-wrenching and torturous. It was as lasting as it was temporary. It was as much a beginning as it was the end.
Eventually, Tristan pulled back and I gazed up into the eyes of a man that I believed was the greatest man I knew. The entire reason I fell in love with humanity was because I fell in love with him first.
His eyes were dark with a greedy hunger and his lips were swollen and lovely.
“I love you, Stella,” he growled while unshed tears shimmered in his forest green eyes.