I knew I should feel fear, that I should be terrified of this version of him. But I couldn’t find that emotion anywhere. All I felt was a love so strong, so severe, so consuming that it seemed to spark all over my body like a living, breathing part of me.
His eyes were the same honey-colored light they always had been, even if they were hard now, hard and distant.
He didn’t say a word, but slipped off his leather dress shoes and then scooted back on my bed. He laid down while I watched him, while he kept me locked in his devouring stare.
He was dressed up again- in brown trousers and another white oxford. And he was wearing dress socks. I loved his dress socks. But I hated that he was wearing this outfit. It was like the Fallen dress code and it wasn’t him.
I stayed by the door, too afraid of what he was asking of me.
His jaw clenched tighter and he patted the spot next to him impatiently. I let out a long sigh, but followed his silent command. I flipped the light switch and climbed into bed.
He was in his nice clothes and I was wearing my pajamas- sleep shorts and a cami- but I blushed from the feeling that we were naked next to each other.
We had slept together before, but every time had seemed innocent until now. There wasn’t anything different other than he’d lost his soul.
And I didn’t know if I was strong enough to tell him no, if he pushed me.
Mostly, because I didn’t know if I wanted to tell him no.
But in the end it didn’t matter because he didn’t even try to kiss me.
I had crawled onto the bed and laid on my back with inches between us. I felt his presence next to me as if he were shouting at me. Every inch of him, from where his head curled around on the pillow above mine to his toes that stretched beyond where mine reached. His body still radiated heat, even though it wasn’t his Light. And that seemed strange to me. He wasn’t a vacuum of cold, icy air.
“This isn’t going to do, Stella,” he whispered in a hoarse, gravelly voice that sent shivers skittering over my skin.
I held my breath as he pulled me into his body. I turned my back to him and he tucked me into him. His face nuzzled the back of my neck and I felt him breathe me in.
I still hadn’t breathed- I couldn’t. I was too afraid to ruin this, too afraid to bring reality crashing in around us. I felt his hot breath on my nape and I nestled into him further.
He wrapped both arms around me until we were comfortable and completely intertwined. His face stayed buried in my neck and he held me so impossibly tight that I had to urge him to give me a little bit of breathing room.
When we were finally settled, he let out a soul-deep sigh that brought tears to my eyes.
“Seth,” I whispered.
“I need you,” he answered as if I had asked a question. “Whatever is left of me, I need you Stella.”
I just closed my eyes as the tears flowed down my face and soaked my pillow. It seemed like only seconds passed by until his breathing evened out and became heavier. But even after he fell asleep he never loosened his hold on me. He held me pressed against his chest the entire night.
I lay awake for a long time. My mind was in complete turmoil, but my body was absolutely relaxed against his. A feeling had begun to unfurl inside of me- a purpose and thought. I hadn’t wanted to face it, so it was facing me instead. I had never seen my life, destiny or future any clearer than this moment.
I suppressed it as deliberately as I could, but it wouldn’t go away. It became this itching, crawling, living thing inside me. I fought with it until I couldn’t keep my eyes awake anymore. And finally when I finally fell asleep, I decided I would ignore it no matter what. At least for now. At least until I turned eighteen and Seth could have a fighting chance of coming back to me.
Chapter Sixteen
I felt Seth stir next to me and my eyes shot open. The early morning sun was burning my room with a haze of gray light. I lay as still as I could, trying very hard not to change anything about me.
I was afraid to wake him up. I had no idea which version of him I would meet this morning. He could kiss me just as easily as he could put a knife to my throat.
It was too late though. I felt him yawn against my back and snuggle in closer. And then he seemed to remember where he was. His arms tensed before he abruptly flipped me over so that I was on my back looking up at him.
His sleep-mussed hair was wild and curlier than usual. His eyes were still just a bit confused and his jaw had a healthy overnight growth across it.
He looked amazing.
I didn’t even want to analyze what I looked like in the morning with my frizzed out hair and missing makeup. It wasn’t something I could even think about.
But truthfully, I couldn’t think about anything with him staring so intently at me.
He was trying to see something or find something in me. I just didn’t know what it was.
“I haven’t slept that well…. in a while,” he finally admitted.
We were silent for a minute before I finally asked, “Are you still having nightmares?” I couldn’t feel him anymore. There wasn’t a connection left for me to know what he was going through or feeling.
A cruel smile tilted his lips and he murmured in a deceptively seductive voice, “No, now I’m living them.”
Sadness overrode every other emotion and I lifted my hand to cup his jaw. “I’m going to find a way to get you out of this.”
He laughed bitterly, “Are you? You’re going to save me? Come rescue me?” His tone was biting and acerbic. I shrunk back from him with a battered heart and tears pooling in the corner of my eyes. “It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?”