And then I hang up.
It's not like me to be so abrupt, especially with someone I've known since I was in primary school. I can't help it today. I'm raw and tired of the tiny voice telling me I deserve to be in Orion's place instead of happy.
Seeing him reminds me of his sacrifice - but also that I was given a second chance. Playing second fiddle to Brianna isn't a wise use of the gift Orion, Mikael and the others gave me. I'll probably call her back when I'm in a better mental state to let her know I'm serious but apologize for the delivery. I really don't have it in me to care, not when I'm knee deep in memories at the moment.
Closing my eyes, I let my thoughts drift and the dark emotions emerge, if only for a short time.
At the one-hour mark, I reign in my mind and make my way back to the ward where Todd is.
When I arrive, there's a small crowd around Lance consisting of four other service members. I can't read Todd's expression. He seems torn between unease and figuring out if he should laugh when the others do.
I join them quietly and wait for a break in their storytelling before moving into the circle. "Ready to go?" I ask Todd. "It'll take twice as long with the snow to make it to our next stop."
He nods and stands. With some gravity, he thanks each man for his service and shakes everyone's hands.
We leave the hospital for the parking lot surrounded by mounds of snow. Todd is quiet, which doesn't surprise me. My mind is on Orion.
We get into the truck. It's a good ten minutes before I force myself out of the deep thoughts and glance at Todd. "You doing okay?"
"I think so."
"What's on your mind?"
"I'm not really sure." He's quiet for a moment. "I guess I can't believe they survived. I don't know how they're … happy. Or at least, not angry."
"It takes a lot of work on yourself to let go of the past."
"I don't know how they can let go of it, Petr."
"You either let go and make a new life, take the chance to be happy, or you become entrenched in the past and end up miserable," I say with a shrug. "That's how I see it."
"Can you tell Claudia that?"
"What's bothering you, Todd?"
"Nothing." There's another silence before he breaks once more. "I don't want to lose you. Or Maya. Or … here."
"Why would you?"
"Because I always do. Because we always leave."