His sudden anger stunned me. “Wha—”
He jumped up and loomed over me, naked and furious. “What the fuck, Sabina?”
I licked my lips. They were wet with his blood. Suddenly ashamed, I wiped the damning evidence away. “I just—” I was confused and the haze of hunger and desire addled my brain. “I wanted you.”
“You were feeding from me like an animal!”
My mouth fell open. What the hell just happened? “What? Why are you so angry? I’ve fed from you before.”
He ran a hand through his hair. He was so tense, his biceps bulged. “Before, you asked first. Besides, you haven’t done it in months.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think—”
“No, you didn’t think. Gods, Sabina, I’m not a fucking blood dispenser.”
I pulled my knees up to my chest. “I wouldn’t have done it if I thought you’d be angry.”
“Bullshit,” he said. “You were out of control and you know it.”
I rose slowly, my hands shaking with anger. How dare he act like I was the only one carried away? He’d been rough with me, too. “Look, I apologize for biting you. But you know damned well that sex and blood go together for me. I haven’t bitten you in months and I resent the implication that I’m some sort of monster. You were as into that as I was. The only difference is you don’t have fangs.”
He crossed his arms. “Here we go again. Sabina’s using her vampire nature as an excuse for poor decisions.”
I reared back, stung by his tone and his attitude. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
He laughed, a hard, cold sound. “Let’s just acknowledge the demon in the room, shall we? We both know you believe your little escapade with Slade was a result of your struggle to control your vampire side.”
My mouth fell open. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Adam. If you’d given me a chance to discuss this like two rational adults, you’d know that had nothing to do with it.”
He raised a challenging brow. “Enlighten me, then.”
If I hadn’t been so hurt and angry, I would have found the fact that we were arguing naked humorous. But considering how exposed I felt emotionally, the nudity seemed somehow fitting.
Memories of that week in October flooded my mind. I’d gone over and over my reasons for turning to Slade. At first, sure, I’d justified my actions, claiming I’d been emotional and confused. But eventually, the ugly truth became apparent. I’d stuffed it down, believing it didn’t really matter anymore, since Adam and I were happy now. Or were happy before the truth came out. But now I couldn’t avoid opening that secret box and exposing my true motivations and let the cards fall where they may.
“Where were you, Adam?” I said, my voice cracking. “Why didn’t you come find me after Maisie helped me out of that cell? Or for that matter, why didn’t you step in when Orpheus accused me of killing Hawthorne Banathsheh in cold blood?”
Hawthorne Banathsheh was an ambassador for Queen Maeve, sent to the mage Council to oversee negotiating an alliance against the vampires when war seemed inevitable. Unknown to the Queen and the Council, Banathsheh also belonged to the Caste of Nod. He’d attacked me and almost managed to end me before I used my Chthonic magic to turn him into a faery briquette. At first, given my violent background, Orpheus believed I’d murdered the fae in cold blood and thus ruined any chance of the Queen upholding the alliance. Adam tried to defend me, but in the end, he backed down when Orpheus threatened to kick him out of the Pythian Guard.
Adam’s mouth snapped shut and his cheeks went red. “What does that have to do with this?”
My hands shook as I gave voice to the resentment I’d ignored for all this time. “You let Orpheus call me a murderer and stick me in that fucking prison cell. Maisie freed me and sent me to Slade for help since I had no other options. I waited for you to show up, but you didn’t. And don’t tell me Maisie didn’t tell you where I was. You had to know.”
“I fought for you! I told Orpheus there had to be an explanation—”
“I saw the doubt in your eyes,” I interrupted, my voice shaking. “Knew that you believed I’d really killed the faery for my own selfish reasons. And then you backed down just like you always do where Orpheus is concerned.”
“You wanted me to choose you over the man who raised me?” he roared. “We weren’t even together then!”
I tilted my head. “Exactly. We weren’t together. A fact made more apparent when you didn’t come find me. When I turned to Slade, I honestly felt I had no one else in the world. He was there for me. You weren’t.”
Adam came up short. The room was silent and tense for a moment while that sank in. “I did what I thought was best at the time,” he began slowly. “I knew that once Orpheus calmed down, he’d listen to reason. And I didn’t come for you because Maisie said you needed some time to sort through everything that had happened.” He blew out a breath. “You can build my mistakes up as justification for your own. You can claim you were upset and turned to the closest warm body. But we both know the truth, Sabina. You didn’t sleep with Slade because you needed comfort. You slept with him because you needed an excuse to run.”
“But I didn’t!” I yelled. “I didn’t run. I came back and helped fight.”
“I wasn’t talking about running from the mages. I was talking about running from this mage.” He hit his chest with a thumb. “You were running because you were too scared to let yourself be happy with me.”
I looked the man I loved in the eyes. “But that was months ago, Adam. I’m with you now. That has to mean more than a stupid mistake I made before we were together. I have no interest in Slade.”
“I know. He told me as much when I talked to him last night.”
“So you believe Slade but not me?” My mouth fell open. “Why was my word not enough?”
“That’s the thing, Red. I would have gotten over you fucking Slade eventually. I know you don’t love him.”
“So what’s the problem?” I cried, throwing my hands up in frustration.
“The problem is that you lied to me. Back then, I would have understood because I knew you were struggling to overcome your dark side. But now?” He ran a frustrated hand over his face and tried to get a handle on his temper. “You had a chance to come clean less than a week ago. Instead, you lied to my face. If our time together had really changed you, you would have told me the truth.”
I paused as what he said sunk in. “That’s the real problem, isn’t it?” I shook my head as everything finally clicked. He raised a brow, waiting for me to continue. “Ever since we met, you’ve wanted me to change. To become some sort of Stepford mage. You like to pretend that my vampire side is a shameful part of me that I can flip on and off like a switch. But guess what, Adam? Like it or not, I am a vampire. My past really happened and it’s as part of me as my fangs.”
“You’re not just a vampire, Sabina. You’re also a mage. And for the most part, you’ve managed to be more mage than vamp over the last several months. That’s why I got so upset when you bit me. You lost control.”
I shook my head sadly. “You don’t get it. The more I’ve pushed down that side of me, the less me I’ve become. The more I try to ignore the bloodlust and the darker sides of myself, the more they rear up and demand to be noticed. Just like when I ignored my mage side in L.A. and I was so out of balance. It’s not about choosing one part of me over the other. I am both light and dark.” My heart kicked up as the truth of that statement sunk in. “I have made mistakes. And I should have told you about Slade earlier. But the real issue here is that you can’t accept me for who I really am. Fangs, magic, and all.”
A muscle worked in his jaw. “Fangs, magic, and lies, you mean. You can try to make this about poor little Sabina being misunderstood because she’s a mixed blood, but this is really about you not being able to be honest with me—or yourself.”
“That’s not fair. After everything we’ve been through together, I deserve more credit than that. I have never lied to you except about Slade. And I wouldn’t have done that if I wasn’t worried about hurting you. I love you, Adam.” He shied away, as if the words stung. But I forged ahead. “Do you love me?”
His eyes hardened. “How can you ask me that? Of course I love you.”
I looked into his green eyes. The same eyes that used to wink at me and crinkle at the corners when he’d laugh with me. Now they just looked tired. “I’m the first to admit I don’t have a lot of experience with love. But it seems that if you love someone, then you should love all of them. If you can’t love all of me”—my voice cracked—“then I don’t know if we can be together.”
He looked like I’d struck him. “Nice. You lie to me but I’m the asshole.”
I took a step toward him and put out a hand to touch his cheek. He reared back like he expected a slap. I paused and pulled back. “I’m just asking you to love me without demanding I ignore half of my nature.”
With that, I walked away and took refuge in the bedroom we used to share. When the door closed, I leaned against it and closed my eyes. I started counting, willing him to come after me.
One, two, three…
To walk through that door and tell me that I was enough.
Four, five, six…
That I’d misunderstood and that of course he loved me, all of me.
Seven, eight, nine—
The front door slammed. The sound echoed in my head like a judge’s gavel condemning our relationship to death.
I didn’t come back out of my room until the next evening. And then only because Giguhl threatened to break the door down if I didn’t open up.
He took one look at my red-rimmed eyes and held up a claw. “Get dressed first and then you can tell me all about it on the way to Vein.”