Once dinner was over, cleared away by the boys who seemed to appear out of nowhere, Raul and Peter retreated to their cabins, leaving me and Javier sitting across from each other at the dinner table. When the last tray was cleared and we were left alone, I felt the weight of the star-filled sky crushing me. The boat’s deck was lit up with tons of mood lights, making his eyes shine as he gazed at me.
It was a steady gaze, not adoring or concerned. But interested. He had always seemed so intrigued by me.
“It’s beautiful out,” he said, his voice dull. “You can see so many constellations out here. None of those city lights. You can feel how … insignificant we really are. Can you feel it?”
I didn’t know if this was a trap or a trick question. Still, I nodded. “Yes. Like God might flick me away with his finger.”
He tilted his head, his mouth drawing into a slight pout. “God would never do that to you. You’re Ellie Watt.”
“Sometimes I am,” I said, hiding my uneasiness with another sip of my hurricane.
“You always are. I see that now. I might have only seen bits and pieces of you before. But now, you’re … formidable.”
Was that a compliment? If it was, I didn’t think I could take it as one since it came from him.
He smiled. “It is a compliment,” he said, back to that whole mind reading thing. “You’re so strong. I’m lucky to have you.”
I nearly rolled my eyes then decided it was a little more serious than that action portrayed. “Javier,” I said slowly, “you don’t have me. Your only luck is how far you’ve gotten in life without someone chopping your head off. Yes, I am strong. And I’m afraid that Raul is right. You shouldn’t trust me.”
“Why?”
I frowned, taken aback at the sincerity in his voice. “Why? Why? I don’t think I’ve ever hated a person more than I hate you.”
He seemed to mull that over, his eyes shining even more. He took a sip of his drink, then sat back in his chair and placed his hands behind his head. “That’s funny. You treat me quite well for someone you hate. What do you do to the people you love?”
“You should know.” I blurted it out before I realized my mistake. The alcohol was ruining me. I was saying things I’d once locked inside my head.
His eyes widened momentarily. I saw a look in them that I never wanted to see again. I quickly drank the rest of my drink and slammed the glass down on the teak table. “Well, here I am drunk and talking absolute nonsense.”
He appraised me before saying, “Apparently. But I find your lack of censorship amusing. Care to entertain someone that you hate by having another drink with me?”
“Are you drugging me again? Because if I have another drink I’ll probably pass out anyway and you’ll have to get one of your little crew boys to drag me back to my room.”
His face became instantly stern. “No one touches you on this boat.”
“Not even you?” I asked wryly, testing him, pushing him.
He shook his head. “No. Not even me. You are not mine to touch.”
“Oh, of course not. I’m just yours to use as a pawn.”
“Ellie,” he said. Then he got up and held out his hand. “Come join me and I’ll explain.”
“Explain what?” I asked, eyeing his hand like it had some disease.
“Explain what’s going to happen. I don’t know what you heard from Raul but I want to make some things clear.”
I didn’t understand what the point of that was. What did it matter what he told me? I probably wasn’t going to like it, which didn’t matter if it meant keeping Camden alive. I was in a shitty situation and I was tired of trying to wrap my head around it.
Finally I put my hand in Javier’s and he helped me to my feet. His hands were warm and rough. Familiar and strange.
As soon as I was up though, he dropped my hand like it was a hot coal. I’d found that to be the strangest thing about this whole thing with him. He really did see me as a pawn, not as his ex-lover or ex-girlfriend. Of course I still saw his eyes on me from time to time and that hopeful expression on his face. But for the most part, whatever feelings, mentally, physically, whatever, he had for me in the past, they weren’t the same anymore. He was detached, unpassionate, and utterly focused on this task at hand, the one my brain kept skirting. Part of me found his distance admirable. I couldn’t have wanted him to keep playing the part of the creepy, obsessive ex-lover. The one who kept all my clothes yet took six years to come chasing after me.
I just didn’t understand this Javier. And maybe that’s the reason why I let him pour me a stiff drink and why I followed him down the stairs to the main deck and to the back of the ship where his private cockpit was. I wanted to understand him, whether it would do me any good or not. Understanding the enemy was to my advantage, wasn’t it?
I hadn’t spent any time at his cockpit before, a round depression that led down to his office and quarters below, two curved couches on either side, plus a bar that popped up with the touch of a button.
I sat down on one couch, spreading my legs out, hoping that would deter him from sitting near me. It worked though I had a feeling he was going to sit opposite from me anyway.
“I think this is the best part of the ship,” I said. I put my head back and looked up at the stars. I still felt the weight of the universe on my shoulders.
“It’s my favorite too. It reminds me of the old boat.”
My mind jumped back to the first time I stepped foot on his old boat. The first time we made love on it. He wanted to stain me. And he did, just not in the way he had hoped.
I knew I shouldn’t have been thinking of it – it was the booze, plus Raul’s words that had implanted the seeds there. But I was thinking it and before I knew it, I was saying it.
“Why did you cheat on me?” I kept my eyes on the stars, feeling the dark bruise-colored sky lift a bit.