For long minutes she just sat there staring until she finally cried out, “I swear to God, it’s like it all comes at once. It can’t just be the same amount all the time. I either don’t see babies, don’t see pregnant women, and don’t see commercials about them . . . or I see them everywhere!” Fat tears fell down her cheeks, and my mouth hung open as I sat there helplessly. “In the last week I have seen dozens of commercials about babies, about pregnancy tests. There has been at least one pregnant woman or one woman with an infant who comes into the store every day, and did you notice the group of women at Starbucks on Thursday?” she asked, finally turning to look at me.
I shook my head as I thought back to Thursday.
“Pregnant!” she spit out. “All four of them were f**king pregnant, and two had toddlers.” Hard sobs racked her small body, and she wiped at her eyes with the heels of her hands. “It’s like it has to taunt me constantly for weeks until I finally break. It’s like the universe realizes that I’m okay with my life, and happy with Jace, and wants to remind me of what I can’t have and make me miserable all over again!”
“You—you can’t have kids, Kinlee?” I asked softly.
“Do you—” She cut off, trying to suck in air. “Do you realize how hard it is knowing you can’t? Knowing it’s not even an option?” she cried. “Do you know how badly Jace wanted a family? That’s all—” Her words stopped as the sobs took over her body, and she slumped into the couch.
Pulling her over to me, I wrapped my arms around her and let my hand run over her back as her body shook uncontrollably.
“That’s all he wanted. That’s all I wanted! And I can’t give us that,” she whimpered, her body sagging as the sobs calmed.
“Kinlee, I’m so sorry. I had no idea,” I said as I continued to hold her. “I’m sorry.”
We sat there on the floor, in front of her couch, for countless minutes as she cried and my heart broke for her. When her tears stopped and she sat back, I grabbed her hand and looked at her red-rimmed eyes.
“When did you find out?”
She sniffed and wiped at her face. “Right before we got married. We got in this huge fight because I was sure he wouldn’t want to get married anymore. It was our first fight, and it was so dumb, but I’d been terrified and heartbroken when I’d found out.”
“Have you ever thought about adoption?” I asked cautiously. I wasn’t sure if this was a sore topic for her.
“I mean, yeah. But it’s expensive, and people can go years waiting to adopt.”
“Would Jace want to?”
Kinlee laughed and shook her head. “He’s the one who’s pushing adoption. I mean, we could, I know we could afford it. But”—she glanced at me—“what if we never get the opportunity, and I get my hopes up? I don’t know if I can handle that,” she whispered.
“Kinlee,” I choked out.
“I just want to be a mom. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
My chin quivered as I watched more tears fill her eyes. “Then don’t be afraid to try. You don’t want to look back in twenty or thirty years and wonder what would have happened if you had just gone for it now. Right?”
Just like how I hadn’t wanted to lose myself in a life I hated with Charles, so I’d run away. Just like how I had done something I never would have seen myself do so I could be with the man I needed in order to breathe. In both cases, I hadn’t wanted to look back in twenty or thirty years and wonder what would have happened if I had done those things . . . I’d wanted to know what did happen.
12
Brody
June 17, 2015
“I JUST NEED to know if you think I should get an attorney, or what the best way to go about this would be.”
Chief sat there with a dumbfounded expression on his face, and after a few seconds blinked his eyes quickly and shook his head. “Honestly, I’m lost, Saco,” he said as he threw his hands up. “So, according to the reports, she didn’t take the pills. Then she refused to go home with you when she was released from the hospital. And now already the next day is demanding to come back to your home with you?”
“Do you see why I’m so close to breaking? I almost took your advice yesterday morning, Chief. I was this close to saying screw the whole thing and stepping back from trying to get her help. Then I found her on the floor of her bathroom unconscious, and now all this is happening. She. Needs. Help. And all her parents are doing is enabling her crazy fits. I don’t know if all three of them are in on this, or if I’m honestly just missing something.”
“Play the voice mail again.”
Leaning forward, I tapped my screen and hit the voice mail that Olivia’s dad had left me two hours before. He’d called thirty minutes after Olivia’s constant calling and sobbing voice mails had stopped to let me know that he was calling his attorney and they would be coming after me for spousal neglect because I couldn’t afford to pay for the hospital while she was in it, couldn’t afford her lifestyle, and refused to provide shelter seeing as I wouldn’t let her back in the house.
I hadn’t paid the ER fee at the hospital because Mr. Reynolds had told the administrator not to bother asking me for payment since I couldn’t afford bread, much less a hospital visit; then he more or less threw his credit card at the woman. I couldn’t afford Liv’s lifestyle because she wanted to be like the f**king Cunninghams and thought $100 shoes were for homeless people. And it wasn’t that I wasn’t letting her back in the house. She still had her key, and I sure as shit hadn’t changed the locks. I just hadn’t asked her to come back, and Liv, being the girl she was, wanted me to beg her to come back. Seeing as how I couldn’t stand the woman and was trying to get her help before I divorced her, I had no desire to beg her to come anywhere near me.