The images his words create disturb me, more so because I can see her running into a fire to save someone she cared about. The woman I wrote off as a superficial bitch when we first met has incredible courage and loyalty to those she loves that puts a lot of Marines I know to shame. I get the sense she doesn't let many people near her, but those she does, she keeps, defends, and loves to her last breath.
This knowledge is what makes me so uneasy. Temper aside, she's an incredible woman.
"She's a lot like you and Mikael," I say, recalling how Mikael didn't even blink before sacrificing himself to clear a path for the rest of us to escape.
"Except I can't throw as well." Petr chuckles.
I smile. The more I learn about Katya, the more troubled I feel. I can't exactly pinpoint why Petr's explanation bothers me so much.
I don't want to care for her. I don't want our attraction to mean or become something more than physical lust.
"The guys said you went from cold to ice after the incident," Petr says softly. "Slightly suicidal, I hear, too. Taking risks no one else would dream of."
I don't respond.
"You, uh, know it's not your fault, don't you?"
"That can't be farther from the truth," I say in a hushed voice. "I sent the team in." I don't want to talk about this with anyone. I feel … obligated with Petr, though, given everything that happened that night.
"You didn't know. We all thought it was clear."
"Doesn't matter." I shake my head. "Your lives are my responsibility."
"You're a good man, Captain Mathis, but you're as fucking stubborn as Katya. What happened that night, what happens any night when things go wrong, is just the way war is. Sometimes no matter what choice you make, something's going to go wrong."
I listen.
"Mikael understood that, too," he continues. "We all knew what we signed up for and that we might not come back one day. It doesn't make it easier to lose someone, but his death is not your burden."
"I tend to agree with your sister on this one," I try to joke. It falls flat.
"She knows it, too. If she hated you, truly hated you, she wouldn't be near you. I think some part of her wants to understand you. Mikael chose to save you as much as me, and you are the only reason any of us made it out. Whether or not she will admit it, that means something to her. You mean something to her, because Mikael gave his life for yours."