"Yeah. Maybe." There's a quiet note in his voice that makes me want to see his face. "Sometimes it takes someone you don't expect to point it out."
Captain Mathis is doing a damn good job of making this experience hell. He has a way of speaking the truth I would really like to avoid. I feel like my whole world is tumbling out of control and swallow tears.
"Speaking of last night …" I say, needing my anger. I let the words hang in the tension between us.
"You sure you want to go there?" he asks quietly.
With his heat at my back and muscular arms around me, I'm not sure how to answer. I'm an emotional wreck right now, more so than usual. Last night was even more intense than our normal exchanges. The potential for something incredible is there, but it's not what I'm looking for. And …
… he scares me. Sawyer has this way of seeing straight through me, of turning my world on its head and pushing aside my shell to reach the part of me I'm doing my damnedest to hide. I don't want that. It's too intimate to give someone like him access to me like that.
"No," I whisper.
"When you're ready, let me know."
What the hell does that mean? Does he want to talk about it, or does he want something more?
I hear my breath catch, and my lower belly begins burning. Last night was an utter mistake. If I could continue pretending there was nothing between us but Mikael, this would be so much easier.
"Maybe we can talk about something that doesn't make me cry," I manage.
"Okay … how about … I keep reaching for my good luck charm and realizing it's not there. I'm not happy about losing it. Had it for ten years, but I reach for it every day."
Grateful for the change of subject, I latch onto the innocuous statement. "Where did you lose it?"
"Somewhere in Iraq."
"Oh." Keep talking about shit that doesn't matter! I'm going to cry if I don't. I wrack my brain for what to say next. "What does it look like?"
"Ever heard of a Ruptured Duck?"
"No."
"It was a pin given to vets at discharge after World War One. Small little thing. Beat up and worthless to everyone but me. I took it everywhere from the time I was sixteen until a few months ago."
I smile to myself. This friendly Captain Mathis I really like. It strikes me that we never really have small talk. We tend to be too busy circling and poking each other to talk about the weather or something as simple as a good luck charm.