"If they make you happy, I don't care," he says then leans back in the chair. He rests his head against the edge, gaze on the fire.
"You should've told Petr you were coming back," I say. "How long are you staying?"
"Two or three days."
"That's it?" I'm embarrassed by the disappointment in my voice.
He glances at me.
"It's a long trip back for two or three days," I add quickly.
"Yeah." He's amused.
I'm struggling, and he's got to be laughing internally. This coffee date isn't working. I'm too stressed out.
"Stop trying to be crunchy and relax," he orders quietly.
"I can't relax!"
"Let things unfold, Katya."
I don't know what the hell that means, but fire is moving through me, along with anticipation. My face grows warm, and I decide there's really no good response. I rest back in the chair.
For a second or two, until I'm still long enough for my thoughts to take off again.
"No. I can't do it," I say, straightening. I face him and brace myself for what I have to say. "I owe you an apology."
He's listening. I can't look at him. This is hard enough.
"I can't even list the things I need to apologize for. There's too many," I add with a frustrated sigh. "But mainly I think it's for … hurting you. I think, of everything, that's what bothers me most. Because you didn't deserve it, and I was angry. Well, I'm always angry. Totally different topic, but I was wrongfully angry this time. And I made a promise that if I ever saw you again, I'd tell you that I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for, Katya." He takes my hand and squeezes. "I understand the grieving process."
"That's a terrible answer."
"What would you rather I say?" he asks, chuckling.
I consider, afraid anything I say is going to dive back into the deep end. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Normally, I relish it, but tonight … with him … and me not knowing if he feels anywhere near what I do …
I'm tired of being hurt. I don't want to risk my heart and soul tonight and end up devastated.
"Make it up, like we did introductions at camp," he suggests.
I don't know why it makes it seem easier, but it does. "So, fictional Katya apologized, and Sawyer forgave her. Even after the horrible letter she wrote, the way she pissed him off every time they met, the fact she didn't try to contact him for five months, and will probably argue with him until the end of the world. She did a ton of stuff that just totally irked him, like collecting shoes worth more than his truck."