No matter how much her leaving would crush his heart.
EIGHT
Friday night, Julie drove Sasha to Daniel’s house with a heavy heart. Sasha was doing better physically and mentally, but Julie felt as if her own being were falling apart. Everything had seemed so simple before Sasha’s incident. A week later nothing made sense.
She’d avoided answering Daniel’s calls and had not returned any of them. For the last day, he hadn’t even attempted to call. She told herself she needed time to think, to reassess her need to submit. Was it really a need, or had it been desirable only because it had been Daniel she was submitting to?
And even if she had a need to submit sexually, would it be wise to give in to that need? In giving someone that much power over her, would she be placing herself in a situation to be harmed like Sasha? People denied themselves daily. It was called self-control. She had lived thirty years without submitting; she could do it again.
She pulled into Daniel’s driveway and her gaze fell on her bracelet. She had chosen not to wear the red one, but instead put on the white. Undecided. Just observing.
Or perpetual state of denial?
Guessing by the number of cars present, they were some of the last to arrive. Beside her, Sasha was silent as they made their way to the front door. But then again, she had been silent all week. The best thing Julie could say about Sasha was that she didn’t open and close her fist in a silent safe word as often as she had days ago.
Daniel opened the door at their knock. Dark circles rimmed his eyes. He looked tired but resolved. He didn’t look surprised to see her, but he did flinch when he saw the white bracelet.
“Sasha,” he said. “If you would go on downstairs, please. The room to the right of the playroom. I need a word with Julie.”
Sasha nodded and left her alone with the man she’d been avoiding for days. Julie and Daniel remained in the foyer, each watching the other, as Sasha’s footsteps grew quieter and quieter.
Julie couldn’t help but think back to the Friday nights she’d been welcomed into his house, but how very different they’d been. Before, she’d been excited and aroused. At that moment, she felt fear and sadness.
He waited until Sasha was out of sight before speaking. “I need you to understand I would have been well within my rights to deny you entrance tonight. In fact, I came very close to doing so.”
She started to speak, but he held a hand up.
“No,” he said. “You’ve refused to talk to me for days. You’re in my house now, so you can listen. I decided to let you come tonight because I won’t hide what I am. If you’re going to be with me, you have a right to know. I live by a set of rules and when those rules are broken, there are consequences. And you can wear that white bracelet if you think you can convince yourself in doing so that you’re something you’re not, but—”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
His expression grew hard. “Don’t interrupt me. The fact remains, you were born submissive and you know it. The only question is, what are you going to do about it? Because as much as you may try to tell yourself otherwise, you were never more content and at peace than you were on your knees before me.”
She shouldn’t argue with him. Deep inside, she knew he was right.
Shouldn’t argue, but she did anyway. “Sometimes we have to deny ourselves in order to survive.”
He opened his mouth as if to disagree, but instead he shook his head. “There’s a time and a place for this conversation. This isn’t it. You want to be here. Fine. Just know there is no safe wording tonight. You may get up and leave, but you can’t stop what the group decides.”
Before she could even attempt to process what he meant, he was speaking again.
“Downstairs. Room to the right of the playroom.”
Though she had walked down the stairs to his playroom numerous times before and experienced a multitude of emotions while doing so, walking down the stairs to meet with the principal group members was unlike anything she’d done in the past. There had been fear the first time, but even then, it had been tinged liberally with an underlying desire. As she opened the door beside the playroom, all she felt was fear.
Fear for what was about to happen. Fear that Daniel was right about everything. And fear that she would never again experience the joy she’d felt at his feet.
The room she entered was a sitting area of sorts with plush chairs situated in two facing lines. Sasha sat on the far left facing her, Peter on the far right. There were three chairs between them. Dena sat next to Sasha, and Jeff, the Dom who wanted to question her at the group meeting, the one Daniel had all but thrown out so he could speak to her privately, sat in the middle. The chair next to Peter was vacant.
Julie took the last empty seat in the opposite line and wished she were anywhere else, doing anything else. She only recognized Cole sitting in her row. He showed no reaction to seeing her and she wondered what, if anything, Daniel had told him. In addition to Cole’s, she counted two other black bracelets, as well as one green, and two red. She couldn’t remember if Sasha had hers on, but a quick glance confirmed the red band was in place around her friend’s wrist. Peter had no bracelet.
The door behind her closed and she jumped.
“Jeff,” Daniel said, walking into the room. “Everyone’s here, why don’t you start?”
She’d assumed Daniel would run everything, but instead he sat in the vacant seat and turned to Jeff. He didn’t look her way at all.
Though she didn’t know what the meeting would entail, the strict sense of protocol didn’t come as a surprise to her. Everything about the group she’d seen or heard so far had been firmly structured. Perhaps that was partially why what had happened with Sasha shocked her so much. She’d not expected a Dom in this group to act out wildly.
After opening the meeting, Jeff nodded to Sasha. In a soft, but captivating voice, she recalled the events of the night she got hurt. Julie was proud of her; only once did she make her safe word signal with her hand. When she finished, Dena leaned close and whispered something to her, then patted her shoulder.
Jeff then asked Peter to recount the events of that night from his point of view, and Julie balled her hands so tightly, her nails dug into her palms. She’d never understood what attracted Sasha to him. He was the most nondescript guy she could imagine. Average height. Average build. Average appearance. When he started speaking, he sounded and looked resolved, but as he spoke, his voice lost that resolution. When he described Sasha’s unresponsive body, his voice broke.
He finished and sat down, head hanging down.
“Thank you, Sasha. Thank you, Peter,” Jeff said. He addressed the row Julie was sitting in. “Both parties have been questioned previously and we believe what they have told you tonight is a true and accurate representation of what occurred last week.”
Julie kept her eyes on Sasha. She looked okay, but Julie was glad Dena was beside her.Jeff continued. “It’s been decided both parties will be allowed to remain as active members following their reprimand with these provisions: Peter, you will be reenrolled in the mentee program. We’ve assigned you to Master Greene.” He nodded to the man sitting at Julie’s right. “In addition, you are not to engage in play with a submissive in our group without an approved member present for a period of two years. Do you understand and accept?”
That’s it? Julie wanted to yell as Peter agreed. That was a slap on the wrist. She bit the side of her cheek so she wouldn’t say anything.
“Sasha,” Jeff said. “You will give a presentation at a future group meeting on safe words and why you should never play without one. Do you understand and accept?”
“Yes, Master Parks,” Sasha said.
Julie gave silent thanks Sasha would still be in the group and that all she had to do was give a presentation. She was still mulling over how unfair it was that Peter got off so easily when Jeff started speaking again.
“Peter, your required reprimand is thirty lashes with the bullwhip. You will be gagged to ensure your silence, as you silenced the submissive who gave you her trust. If you accept, Master Covington will administer tonight.”
Julie’s mouth dropped open and she shifted her gaze to Daniel. His expression was grave and she realized in that moment he’d known what would be required of Peter. What would be required of him. He’d probably tried to persuade her to stay away because he remembered her panic in the playroom. But because she insisted on coming to the meeting, she would have to witness her fear, her hard limit.
She swallowed a moan.
“Sasha,” Jeff said, and Julie straightened her back, scared anew for her friend. “It’s the agreement of all involved that you have suffered enough for your poor judgment. Your only additional requirement is that if Peter agrees to submit to the whip, you will watch.”
All the color drained from Sasha’s face, but she nodded.
“Do you need time to decide, Peter?” Jeff asked.
“No, sir,” Peter said, and Julie noted he’d turned as white as Sasha. “I’ll submit. But if I may, can I address Sasha privately?”
Daniel answered. “No. If she wants to talk, you can go to the far corner, but you’ll remain where you can be seen.”
Sasha didn’t look like she particularly wanted to talk with Peter, but she nodded as Dena whispered to her. “I’ll talk,” she said.
Julie didn’t miss the look that passed between Daniel and Dena. He didn’t seem overly pleased with the blonde, but Dena basically lifted her chin and gave him an I-couldn’t-care-less look.
He stood up and Julie thought he’d go scold Dena, but instead he walked toward her.
“Julie, I need to talk with you, in the playroom. Jeff, keep an eye on those two,” Daniel said with a nod at the corner where Peter was now talking quietly with Sasha. Sasha stood with arms crossed, shoulders slightly hunched.
“Will she be okay?” Julie asked.
“Yes, Jeff will ensure it.”
She nodded. The stern-looking Dominant appeared to have everything under control.
Daniel led her to the playroom. Again, her feelings upon entering this room were so different from what they had been before. The other times there had been excitement and desire between them. Walking into the playroom that Friday night, all she felt was empty.
He opened the door and she gasped as she entered. The whipping post was centered at the back of the room.
“You need to get it out of your system now so you can be strong for Sasha.”
She nodded. He knew how she’d react and he’d brought her in here so she would be prepared. “Thank you.”
His eyes were sad. “I care a great deal for you, Julie. I hope you know that.”
“I know.” She cared a great deal for him, too. That was why everything hurt so much.
He looked like he wanted to say something else, but instead he walked farther into the room. “Everyone will stand here. Peter and I will be in the back. I need space when working with a whip.”
Her knees wobbled. Fuck, she hoped she could do this.
“My entire concentration will have to be on what I’m doing,” he said. “I need to know you’ll be okay. Take deep breaths. Close your eyes. Leave if you have to.”
She filled her lungs and exhaled deeply. “I’ll be okay.”
He walked to his cabinets and took something out. Silently, he passed it to her.
“What’s this?” she asked. It looked like a diamond-shaped piece of Styrofoam.
“It’s part of how I practice. This was a rectangle earlier today.”
She traced her trembling finger down one neatly cut edge in awe of his strength and accuracy. “You did this with a whip?”
“I’m the single-tail expert of the group.”