"I love him too much to let go," I said as I paused a moment to take in the sensual and alluring ambience set for the evening. The statement pounded into my head like a meat cleaver. The strongest thud pulsated against my temple, sending a pain from my head through my body. That pain took up residence in my heart, piercing my already fragile soul. My mind raced. I was all alone, again. I couldn't pin down the moment in time that the insatiable joy left our marriage. That joy slipped away from our beautiful home without leaving the faintest trace of existence.
After six years of marriage, I wondered what was the use of having it all, if I didn't have anyone to share it with. It was an absolute wonder how time, a whole lot of trials, and many tribulations could change a woman's outlook on life and love. The day I married Titus, I was so happy. Our relationship was far from perfect, but I loved him so much.
"This yard is beautiful," I said as I looked around at the beautiful setting once again. I was proud to have successfully turned my backyard into a lover's paradise. Positioned in the middle of the jumbo gazebo, the Jacuzzi flowed with warm bubbly water scented with a touch of jasmine oil. Dim post lighting outlined the gazebo creating a glowing allure. Pink floating candles shone brightly at the gazebo's four corners and an assortment of designer candles placed around the Jacuzzi added the right effect. I anticipated a beautiful night with him. That anticipation dwindled and finally fizzled out once the champagne got hot, the shrimp fettuccini got cold, and every bubble in the Jacuzzi fizzled down to faint traces of soap scum.
What was supposed to be a night of fiery passion turned into a night of me singing, "What do the lonely do?"
Instead of wallowing in my sadness, I called Rhonda to vent. I picked up the cordless phone and sped-dialed her number. Anger built as I walked outside.
"Ronnie, this negro has done it again!" I fumed as I cleared unused dishes from the picnic table. I took them into the kitchen.
"Girl, don't start. What is it now?"
"He stood me up. That's what."
"I can't believe that."
"Yeah and he's not even answering his cell, now." As I spoke the words to my sister-from-another-mother, I fought back a tear that kept threatening to break out of its prison of pride.
"He's probably just busy, Shay."
"If I wasn't wearing his ring on my finger, I would think I was just some sideline ho trying to get attention." Aside from the ring and living with him, that was how I felt. He hadn't been home for more than a few hours that week. He hadn't made love to me in over a month. I hadn't had a meaningful conversation with him in just as many days. Three days ago, he called to schedule tonight's date, which he didn't show up for.