“No problem,” she says and hugs me back.
We exchange this awkward yet simply real silent moment, before we step away from each other and part ways. Tears sting my eyes as I head out the door and into the bright sunlight. I know that Lea will go back to her computer and look for more stuff that will hopefully lead me to Quinton, but it still hurts my heart not knowing where he is.
It’s a strange feeling and I’ve only felt this sort of ache over one person before. Landon. But I’m not comparing Quinton to him. I refuse to do that again. Landon was Landon, the beautiful artist who bore the weight of the world on his shoulders, who suffered in ways I couldn’t understand, but wish I could, but probably never will. And Quinton is Quinton, the beautiful artist, who carries guilt on his shoulders, who, even in his darkest times made me smile when no one else could, who showed me a dark world that made me want to see the light again.
And I want to make him see the light, too. I just need to find him.
Chapter 2
Nova
After I turn my project in to the professor, I get a coffee from the coffee stand in the quad yard, then rush back toward the apartment that’s only about half a mile away from the university, so that I rarely ever drive my dad’s old 1967 Chevy Nova. It’s a bright day and warm, the sun beaming down as I hurry up the sidewalk with my bag on my shoulder and my laptop tucked under my arm. I sort of feel like I failed, turning in the documentary without Quinton’s clip. But I try to look past it and focus on the fact that at least I won’t fail my class. Besides, there’s always next year and hopefully by then I’ll have at least talked to Quinton. At least I hope we’ll still be talking. I hope I’ll have the chance to take many video clips of him that I can add to my Novamentary, as he called it.
It hurts just thinking about it, because it reminds me how much I want to help him, but at the same time, I know from experience that I can’t make things happen my way. I can’t make Quinton get better, just like I couldn’t make Landon tell me what was wrong, just like I couldn’t make my dad hold on just a little bit longer.
It’s hurting my heart and I need to get my emotions out, so I halt at the final street I have to cross, downing the last of the coffee. Then I set my bag and laptop on the grass along with the empty coffee cup and take my phone from my back pocket. I click it on, then rotate slightly to get the sun in the right position so it’s not blinding the screen, then hit record.
The red light blinks on and an image of me pops up on the screen. I look so different from how I looked in all the clips I made last summer. My skin looks healthier, my cheeks fuller, and my brown hair cleaner, braided to the side of my head, wisps framing my face. My blue eyes are bloodshot and full of sadness. Actually my eyes only appear blue but if you really observe them, then you can see that they’re blue with specks of green. Quinton was actually one of the few people who noticed this and it was a genuinely sweet thing, I just couldn’t see it at the time because I was blinded by Landon’s death. But it’s not just my outer appearance that’s different. It’s also what’s inside me and radiates through my expression—the light in my eyes that I thought had died, but that had only briefly dimmed.
I give the camera a little wave. “Hey, it’s me, Nova, again. I’m not sure if you watched my last video or not, which I really doubt you did, since it’s pretty much just a bunch of my ramblings about my life. But hey, if you’re into that kind of stuff, then you’ll get what I’m talking about.” I shake my head, sighing at myself, but a smile cracks through. “Anyway, it’s been almost exactly a year from when I started my very first video and I’m in a completely different place now. I’ve let go of my past for the most part, mourned my dad and Landon…well, let go of them as much as I can.” I brush my bangs out of my face. “So here’s the start of a new summer, which seems like it’s going to hold a lot of possibilities, but not necessarily in a good way. In fact, I have no idea how summer is going to go.”
I click off the camera, and then grab my bag and laptop off the ground and cross the street, wondering if Quinton will become someone else I’ll have to mourn. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about, but I know firsthand that unless someone wants to quit, and I mean in their very heart and soul wants to stop doing drugs, then they can’t. And even then, when they decide they want to quit, there’s still the huge battle of dealing with inner demons and finally getting to a place where their mind and body can be empty of drugs and still be at peace…I’m not even sure if peace is the right word, because the path of drugs will always exist in my mind and so will Landon and I’ll never completely have peace from either. Now that I’ve tasted the freedom of numbness and forgetfulness, it’s impossible to forget that it exists. The possibility that I could have it again always lives inside and that could be ignited at any moment if a circumstance strikes the match.
I just have to know how to blow it right back out—I have to fight it with every breath I have. And I’m not in the same place anymore, so I know I can do it. I just wish I knew for certain Quinton could. What I need is to find something that will get through to him, something that will make him see past whatever’s blinding him to the future. For me it was Landon’s video. It helped me realize what I’d become, where I was going, and that I was trying to escape my feelings instead of dealing with them. In a strange way, that video helped me want to heal myself.
I drop my bag and laptop onto the sofa and go back to the bedroom. Lea and her boyfriend Jaxon are sitting on the floor, staring at the computer screen. Jaxon is tall and sort of lanky with dark-brown hair that’s a little overlong and always hangs in his eyes, and he’s behind Lea, massaging her back as she reads an article.
“Did you find anything more?” I ask, startling them both. They jump, wide-eyed, like I just walked in on them having sex.
Jaxon’s arms fall away from Lea’s shoulders. “Oh, hey, Nova,” he says, giving me a small wave. “We didn’t hear you come in.”
I go over and sit down on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t know you were still here. I thought you went home yesterday.”
“I was going to,” he tells me, discreetly glancing at Lea. “But I thought I’d stick around for an extra day…maybe longer if I need to.”
The two of them have been arguing over the fact that Jaxon is going home to Illinois for the summer and Lea is going back home to Wyoming to a town not too far away from Maple Grove. It’s not the first time the two of them have spent the summer apart, but I guess it’s getting to the point where they’re committed enough that one of them should go with the other, or they should just get a place here. Yet for some reason they won’t. I asked Lea why and she simply said because they couldn’t both agree on where they should go, therefore she’s starting to wonder if they’re even on the same page anymore. It makes me sad because they’re a cute couple. Jaxon plays the guitar and Lea sings and when they get up on stage magic happens because they show so much emotion toward each other. It makes playing drums in the background enjoyable, although playing is always enjoyable.
“He’s headed home tonight,” Lea states, returning her attention to the computer. “He just stopped to say good-bye.”
“How about I take over trying to track Quinton down and you two go spend some time together?” I suggest.
Lea’s gaze travels back and forth between Jaxon and me. “You don’t have to do that. I’m fine with staying here and helping you.”
Jaxon shakes his head, looking aggravated as he shifts away from her, drawing his hands back and putting them on his lap. It’s pretty obvious they’re fighting and need a moment and my saving-Quinton mission is getting in the way. “I can take over for a while. Just tell me what you’ve found out and I’ll go from there.”
Lea sighs and then leans back on her hands, while Jaxon stares absent-mindedly out the window at the clouds moving in. “Nothing really. The article just talked about the accident some more, but there’s no information online about where he’d be now. I did get ahold of that Delilah bitch, but she hung up on me when I started asking her too many questions about where they were living—I think she thought I was the police or something.”
I cross my legs out in front of me. “She was probably on something and being paranoid.”
Lea exchanges a glance with Jaxon and then looks at me. “I really don’t like her at all. She called me a skank and she doesn’t even know me.”
I sigh, wishing Delilah would stop being…well, Delilah, and just let me know where she is. “She’d probably be nicer to you if you were a guy. She has this thing with clashing with other women.”
Lea rolls her eyes, and then goes back to the computer, lining her fingers up on the keyboard. “I can totally see that.”
I remove the elastic from my hair, undo the braid, and comb my fingers through my hair for no other reason than that I’m fidgety and need something to focus on other than the thing I really want to do—count. “Could we maybe do a search on her phone number and see what address is linked to it?”
Lea shakes her head as she types something. “I already did and it brings up an address in Maple Grove and we know they’re not there anymore, since they moved and that damn bitch won’t tell you where.” She pauses, musing over something. “But what we could do is call her mother and ask her where she is.” Lea moves her legs around and lies down on her stomach and props herself up on her elbows, putting her feet on Jaxon’s lap. He absentmindedly begins massaging her feet.
I shake my head. “I doubt her mother even knows where she is.”
“What about her father?” Lea asks, clicking the mouse.
“He’s been out of the picture pretty much since she was born,” I say. “And she doesn’t have any other relatives as far as I know.”
“What about Quinton’s father?” she wonders. “You could do a search for him in Seattle where Quinton lived…or did he not live with his father?”
“I don’t know…God, I don’t even know his father’s first name,” I tell her guiltily. “But I guess you could do a search on Quinton Carter in Seattle and see if it pulls up an old phone number or his father’s name maybe.”
“Yeah, but are we even sure his dad would know where he is?” she asks. “Maybe we should just see if we can track Quinton’s phone number down.”
“As far as I know he doesn’t have one,” I reply. “And Quinton Carter is kind of a common name, isn’t it?”
Lea opens her mouth to respond, but Jaxon raises his hand like a kid in elementary school waiting for the teacher to call on him so he can speak. Lea rolls her eyes, but laughs.
“Yes, Mr. Collins,” she says in a fake baritone voice as she rolls to her side.
Jaxon lowers his hand onto his lap and grins as he brushes his hair out of his eyes. “As much as I’d love to sit here and listen to you bounce your brilliant ideas off each other all day, I have an idea that might be a lot simpler.”
Lea flourishes her hand at him and the tension between the two of them appears to have been alleviated a little. “Well, then you have our undivided attention, O brilliant one.”
He covers his mouth with his hand, hiding a grin. “Why don’t I call this Delilah and see if I can sweet-talk her into giving up their location.”
“Because you’re so much more charming than the two of us,” Lea says, playfully prodding him in the side with her foot. “Why would she give up her address to you, if she wouldn’t even give it to Nova, and she knows Nova?”
“Um, because I’m a guy.” He points at himself. “And I can be very charming when I want to.”
“True,” Lea agrees. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.” She looks at me questioningly. “What do you think, Nova?”
“I think it’s worth a try.” I slant to the side to get my phone out of the back pocket of my shorts.
“Let me call her from mine, since she’s been ignoring your calls,” Jaxon says, reaching for his phone in the pocket of his pants.
I tuck my phone back into my pocket. “Good point,” I tell him as he swipes his finger across the screen. “And Jaxon?”
He glances up at me. “Yeah?”
“Thank you,” I say, because even though he doesn’t know it, what he’s doing for me right now means more to me than if he were giving me the shirt off his back.
“You’re welcome…now what’s the number?” he asks, and as I rattle it off, he dials.
“And put it on speakerphone,” Lea tells him, sitting up beside him. “I want to hear how this goes down.”
Jaxon blows out a breath, then hits the speaker button and sets the phone down on the floor in front of him. When it starts to ring, he hastily says, “Wait, what am I supposed to say?”
“I have no idea.” I trade a look with Lea, who shrugs. “How about—”
“Hello.” Delilah’s voice on the line forces me to seal my lips.
“Um, hey, beautiful.” Jaxon glances at me, then Lea, who hangs her head and shakes it disbelievingly.
“Um, who is this?” Delilah asks, sounding mystified.
“My name’s Jaxon,” he says cautiously. “I’m a friend of Nova’s.”
I hold my breath as soon as he says my name, worried she’ll hang up on him, since she clearly has been dodging my calls.