“Jerry, I don’t think I can drive. Can you please take me home?”
Jerry smiled at me and leaned down to pick me up. As he carried me to his BMW, he whispered in my ear,
“I’ll do anything for you, baby.”
***
The light shining through the window was killing my head. I pulled the pillow over my face and let out a moan. Oh god. I hadn’t felt this bad in months. Holy hell, how much did I have to drink? I started to play back the evening in my head. Jerry had stopped and picked up some beer and the fixing’s to make Italian Margaritas. I remembered drinking…a lot…laughing...kissing and.
I sat up in bed so fast that I thought I was going to puke. I looked down to see that I was naked.
Oh. My. God. No!
Slowly looking to my left, I almost jumped when I saw Jerry sleeping next to me. No. Oh god no. I very carefully tried to get out of bed, and then it hit me. I was sore...down there. When I pulled the sheets back, I saw blood.
I got up and ran into the bathroom. I barely made it in time to throw up. After ten minutes of getting sick while Jerry asked if I wanted a warm washcloth, I sat back against the wall and cried my eyes out. I lost my virginity to a guy I wasn’t even dating…when I was drunk… and I don’t even remember it.
I closed my eyes and pictured Josh telling me my first time had to be special. I’d wanted my first time to be with someone I loved. I wanted it to be with Josh. I had not wanted to be drunk and sick the next morning with no memory of even having had sex in the first place.
I leaned back over the toilet and started throwing up again.
“Jesus, Heather. You’re not much of a drinker, are you?” Jerry said with a small laugh.
Does he even know? How could he not know that I was a virgin?
“I just need a few more minutes. I’m so sorry.” I said.
He looked down at me with pity. “Should I make you some eggs, babe?”
Ugh, he called me babe. “Sure.” It was not lost on me that I was sitting, naked, on my damn bathroom floor. I closed my eyes and felt the tears again.
Josh…it was supposed to be Josh.
I felt something soft land on my shoulders, and I realized he was putting my bathrobe over me.
“Thank you.”
“Heather, if I had known ahead of time, I would never have...”
Oh great…just great. Now, he’s sorry for having sex with me. I looked up at him as I felt the tear roll down my face.
“Baby, please don’t cry. I feel like shit as it is. I wish I could go back and change it all.”
Wow….good-looking and caring…but he’s still not Josh.
***
After a few more minutes of me sitting on the bathroom floor, rocking back and forth while I tried to remember anything from last night, I got up and made my way into the living room. Then, I remembered I was butt-ass naked, so I started to turn back to the bedroom when my door bell rang. I looked at the clock on the wall. Who the hell would be here at seven in the morning?
Pulling my robe closer to me, I tied it tightly and opened the door. My jaw just about hit the floor when I saw Josh standing there. He looked awful, like he hadn’t slept in days.
“Josh? What…what are you doing here? I thought you were with Lynda.”
Josh looked confused. “What? How did you know I was with Lynda last night?”
“When I called you she answered and told me you were in the shower. She said y’all were planning on having an enjoyable evening.” Holy shit, I spit that all out so fast.
“Wait, what time did you call?” Josh asked, looking confused as hell. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through his call log.
Oh no. I felt like I was going to throw up again. “Um, around ten.”
“That’s weird. I saw her on my phone, and she said it was the wrong number. The last call on my log is when I called you.”
Oh my god. She set me up. “Did you sleep with her last night?” I blurted out. God, please say yes.
“Heather, can I at least come in?”
“Did you sleep with her last night, Josh?” I almost shouted.
“I almost did, but I couldn’t do that to you, Heather. I love you. I only want to be with you.”
I felt my legs going out from under me, and then Josh reached over and grabbed me.
“Shit, Heather.”
Josh grabbed me and started to bring me into the living room. When I looked up, I saw Jerry standing there, watching us. He looked confused as hell, wearing only his boxers.
The moment Josh noticed him, I felt it. His hold on me tightened, and he sucked in a breath of air. He helped me to the sofa where I sat down. I looked between Josh and Jerry. Wow, both their names begin with the letter J. I shook my head. What the hell, Heather? Really?
“Um, hey, I’m Jerry.”
Jerry reached out his hand out to shake Josh’s, but Josh took a step backward. Then, Josh looked at me. I knew the moment when he realized what had happened.
“You slept with him?” Josh whispered.
“Josh…” I tried to talk, but I lost my voice.
Josh glared at Jerry.
Jerry glanced at me, shook his head, and then looked back at Josh.
“Dude, I had no idea y’all were together.” He held up his hands in defense.
When Josh looked at me again, I could see the tears in his eyes.
Without even looking away from me, he answered Jerry.
“We’re not together.”
Then, I lost it and started crying.
“Josh, I don’t even remember anything.” I went to stand up and walk closer to him.
He took a step back with the strangest look on his face.
“What?” It looked like his legs were about to give out, and he grabbed onto a chair. “How could you do this, Heather? I thought you were different. I didn’t sleep with Lynda because I love. I was coming over here to tell you that I’d wait for you forever if I had to. Then, I find out that you….”
“Josh, please no... don’t say it,” I said between sobs. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The hurt in his eyes was killing me.
Josh turned to Jerry. “Did you at least know she was a virgin?”
Jerry shook his head, “Not until after. I would never have done that if I’d known. Listen, we both got really drunk last night, and.”
Josh held up his hand to stop Jerry from talking.
“You wanted to push me away, Heather…well, I think you finally did it.” Josh turned and started to walk toward the door.
My heart was racing and my head was pounding, but I went after him.
“Josh, please. You have to understand that I never intended for anything like this to happen. I was upset when Lynda said y’all were about to have a good time, and I just wanted to forget it all. I wanted it to be you! You have to believe me! I wanted it to be you!” I grabbed his arm.
He stopped and turned to look at me. With his thumb, he wiped away the tears that were rolling down my face.
Josh closed his eyes for a few seconds and then opened them. The moment I saw a tear slide down his face, I died inside.
“You know what’s funny, Heather? You were so worried that I was the one who wouldn’t be faithful. I would have given up everything for you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done to make it so damn special for you and to make you happy for the rest of your life.”
“Oh god, please, Josh… please.” I started to shake my head.
He took a few steps away from me.
“I guess you got what you wanted, princess. You’ve lost me for good.”
I cried harder as I reached out for him, but he turned and walked out the door. I called out after him, but he just kept walking. I slowly started to sink down to the floor.
“You’ve lost me for good.”
No! Oh god, he left...just like my parents did.
I just sat there, rocking back and forth, as I kept calling out his name over and over again. Jerry walked up behind me and placed his hands on my arms to help me up. When I turned around, I fell into his arms, telling him how sorry I was.
“Come on, babe. Let’s get you dressed and put something in your stomach. It’s going to be okay, Heather. It’s going to be okay.”
I wanted to believe him, but I had a feeling nothing would ever be the same.
It would never be okay because I lost him.
The only man I would ever love-I lost him.
CHAPTER FORTY
JEFF
I was walking up from the barn when I saw Ari sitting on the porch.
The last three months had been hell for both of us. Although her parents had disapproved, Ari had decided not to go back to Austin for school this semester. Instead, She was taking a few online classes with Ellie.
I had only talked to Rebecca once, and she begged for forgiveness. She had called a few more times, but each time, I’d ignored it. One more than one occasion, Ari had just about wanted to drive to Austin just to kick her ass.
I heard the thunder rumbling in the distance, and I smiled, remembering how much Ari loved thunder-storms.
If only I could get that Ari back...
Last night, I’d called Ellie, and I’d told her that I thought Ari could really use a girls’ trip into Austin today. She agreed.
As I walked closer to Ari, I could tell she’d been crying. Fuck.
“Hey, baby, have you been up for very long?” I asked as I stepped up onto the porch.
She didn’t even look up at me. She was growing more distant as the days went on. It had been three months since she’d lost the baby, and now, she wouldn’t even let me touch her.
I sat down next to her while it started to rain. She put her head back on the swing and let out a sigh.
“Ari, we really need to talk, baby. I can’t keep going on like nothing is wrong. You’re drifting further and further away from me. I need you back.”
She lifted her head and glared at me. “Maybe you should have thought of that before you walked out on me.”
I felt like I was going to be sick. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that I’m sorry, Ari. I’m sorry for making the biggest mistake of my life. If I could take it back, I would. You don’t think I beat myself up every morning and every night? If I could go back and redo it, I would. I’d do anything to make you happy.”
She stood up and walked over to the railing. “I want to be alone for a while.”
“No.”
She spun around and stared at me. “What?”
“I said no, Ari. I’m tired of you pushing me away and not talking to me. I don’t even remember the last time you let me hold you or just touch you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it with you.”
“Bullshit. You won’t talk to anyone about it, not even your mother, Grace, or even Ellie. Everyone is so worried about you. This has to stop, Ari. We got the go ahead last month, baby, if you want to try for another baby….”
“No! Just please stop talking.” Ari stepped off the porch into the rain.
“Where the hell are you going?” I said walking after her.
“I want to be alone, Jeff. That means without you! Please just go back to the house. I’m going to the barn.”
I followed her toward the barn.