He was gone from sight by the time I got myself into the car and buckled in. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see straight. I sure as hell couldn’t drive, so I sat there in front of his house for a solid twenty minutes while I struggled to get myself under control.
There was no seeking approval and begging for forgiveness because there was no hiding the faults in the dark. He had already seen them all and he kissed me anyways. Because I wanted him to and he wanted me to have what I wanted.
With shaking hands, I started the car and managed to make my way home. I even managed to send the ordered text message to let him know I was safe and sound. He sent back a simple k that I stared at for far longer than I’d like to admit. Rowdy often texted to check up on me and to make sure I hadn’t retreated back into the void, but I’d never had a man whose lips had touched mine, who told me he saw me and was ready for me, bother to keep tabs on me. In fact, it was usually the men I was intimate with that I needed protecting from. Everything with Wheeler was so new, and that made it all the more confusing.
Still holding my phone, I called my sister before I realized my finger touched her name. She picked up on the first ring and I wasn’t surprised that she sounded overjoyed to hear from me. I’d put Salem through the wringer over the last few years, but each day I got closer to closing that gap I’d allowed the men in my life to wedge between us. At the time I didn’t realize isolating me from the person that loved me the most was a way for them to maintain control but I saw it so clearly now.
After returning her greeting, I blurted out, “I asked Wheeler to kiss me tonight” with no preamble or warning.
She gasped and I heard something clatter. I realized it was the phone a second later as she screamed, “Oh my God,” but the sound was muffled and sounded like it was coming from miles away.
“You kissed, Wheeler, as in the guy who just canceled his wedding to a raging she-beast?”
Her voice was shrill, so I had to hold the phone away from my ear. “Um … yeah.”
She let out a breath and I could picture her chewing on her lip and pacing in circles as she continued to fire off questions. “When did you start seeing him? How long has this been going on? Are you ready to date? You know he has a baby on the way with his ex, right?” She took a breath and let it out slowly. “Are you okay?”
I shook my arms free from my jacket and let it fall in the center of the floor. Tonight was the kind of night that made me wish I drank. I didn’t touch anything that had the ability to lower my defenses or inhibitions. I’d done a good job of being an easy target most of my life, and I learned early on to avoid anything that made going in for the kill easier. I threw myself on my couch and stared unseeingly at my ugly popcorn ceiling.
“I’m fine, or I will be.” That was the mantra that kept me going when giving up felt a million times easier.
She sighed and her voice was breathless with something I hadn’t heard her direct toward me in a very long time … hope. “You wanted him to kiss you?”
Grouchily I snapped, “Yes. That’s why I feel like I’m losing my mind. I haven’t wanted anything to do with anyone in months and months and the first guy I find myself attracted to is in the middle of a horrible breakup and impending fatherhood. When am I going to learn?” She laughed a little, which made me even more annoyed. “I don’t see what’s funny about this situation, Salem.”
She paused and when she spoke her voice was thick with emotion. “I’m laughing so I don’t cry.” She exhaled heavily and I was the one fighting back tears when she told me, “You’ve never let me in before when you were tangled up with a guy. I always felt like you didn’t trust me to know what was going on in your love life because I left. I let you down and you couldn’t let me in. I’m sorry that you’re freaking out right now, but honestly I’ve been waiting for this phone call since I was eighteen and put Texas in my rearview mirror. I missed so much, Poppy. You have no idea what it means to me that you are giving this to me now.” No amount of laughter could hide the fact that she was crying uncontrollably. She was pregnant but her words made me doubt hormones were the sole reason behind her outburst.
I sniffled a little and used the tips of my fingers to brush away the few stray tears that managed to escape the prison of my tightly closed lashes. “He’s nothing like anyone I’ve ever known.”
She made a considering noise and there was a smile in her voice when she asked, “Is that so?”
I sighed. “It scares me because my heart has been wrong before.”
She snorted and her tone was sharp when she told me, “No, your heart was listening to what someone else was telling it to do. This is the first time it’s been able to speak for itself. Listen to it, little sister.”
“I’m afraid of what it might have to say, Salem.” My voice shook and so did my hands.
“That’s how you know the message is important, Poppy.”
There wasn’t much to say after that, so I told her good-bye, promised to set aside a weekend afternoon for her so we could get together, and hung up.
She was right that the message might be important, I just wasn’t sure I was in the right place to hear it.
Wheeler
I stayed up with Happy all through the night. I didn’t take my eyes off him for a second, a task that was much easier to do without the silent, unassuming temptation that was Poppy Cruz hovering so close yet just out of reach. I was pissed at myself that I got so distracted by her pillowy lips and intoxicating flavor that I forgot about Happy and his penchant for getting into things. I wanted to be the guy that could do it all, juggle all the balls: run a business, romance the girl, train the dog, be a good dad and a supportive coparent, but every time I took my eyes off one ball, they all seemed to fall. It was frustrating and infuriating because there wasn’t a single ball that I was ready to let go of. I needed to learn how to be a better juggler … like one that was good enough to work at a circus or entertain kids at birthday parties.
After spending the night with Happy curled up at my side, dreaming his puppy dreams, which made his tiny paws kick, I knew that he was worth every headache he was inevitably going to cause and every hour of lost sleep that was going to make my workday miserable. He was so fucking cute and cuddly that I didn’t mind the other side of the bed being empty for once. There were honestly no words to describe how relieved I was that he didn’t seem to have any issues from getting into the things he wasn’t supposed to the night before.