It had taken the ultimate betrayal by someone she loved—the only person she’d ever loved—to make her truly hate for the first time in her life.
Had it taken over all else? Was this who she was now? Wary. Withdrawn. Miserable. Afraid . . . She was so tired of living with hatred and fear. Maybe forgiveness wasn’t for the person who’d committed a sin against her. Perhaps forgiveness was really for her, enabling her to move on, free of the weight and oppression so many years of anger had caused.
It was an epiphany far too long in the making, in her view, but a much-needed one nonetheless. After living so long chained by her past, and in order to achieve peace, she had to provide it for herself. No one could do it for her.
“Gracie, we’re here,” Zack said, touching her lightly on the arm.
She’d been so lost in thought that it had been as if she had dozed off and was miles away. Her eyelids fluttered open and she blinked several times to gain her bearings. Wade pulled up beside where they were parked and got out, removing his expensive designer sunglasses.
She stared at him a long moment before sighing with unhappiness. It hit her then and there that she knew why she’d allowed Wade to become so close. She hadn’t been attracted to him whatsoever and so she’d deemed him safe, unable to possibly hurt her as she’d been hurt before.
Even after all Zack had done, it was becoming more obvious that there would never be another for her. It didn’t only boil down to trust issues. She was simply incapable of looking at a man and feeling desire. Happiness. Seeing her future in another man’s eyes. Only Zack had ever elicited that kind of response from her. Damn him for ruining her life—her dreams. And her only chance at happiness.
“Gracie? Are you all right?”
Zack’s softly spoken question shook her from her dour thoughts and she reached clumsily for the door handle, unlocking her door when she realized that Wade had tried to open it for her from the outside but had been unable to do so. She’d drifted off and hadn’t even noticed.
“I’m fine,” she mumbled.
Her lie was obvious. Zack knew it, but he let it go.
She shoved harder at the reluctant door and it opened. Wade extended his hand to gently help her from the vehicle. She took it nice and slow, having already discovered at the hospital, when she was on her feet just those few seconds of getting from the wheelchair into the SUV, that she was anything but steady.
Every bruise made itself known in a hurry and a low groan, part pain, part frustration at her inability to move well, blew past her lips before she could call it back. Zack appeared just behind Wade, his face a mask of concern.
Her brow furrowed as she truly looked at him. His concern was real, not faked. He was utterly genuine in his worry and it puzzled her to no end. He kept vowing that he . . . cared . . . and yet she’d never bought that “lie” until . . . now.
It was as though her eyes had only just been truly opened and she could see the truth. Or perhaps she’d been unwilling to see the truth before. And she had no idea what she was supposed to do with this particular revelation.
Unwilling to ponder the perplexities of that, she eased another step forward, directing her focus to Wade instead of analyzing Zack’s sincerity. No amount of genuineness now made up for past betrayals.
With Wade by her side, one arm curled firmly around her waist, she shuffled through the open garage door and into the door leading into the house. It took seemingly forever to make the short journey into the warmer interior and she sighed with pleasure when a heated draft of air blew over her face, dispelling the chill that had scuttled up her spine after she had gotten out of the vehicle.
“Do you feel well enough to eat, Gracie?” Zack asked. He was still wearing that worried frown. “You need to eat. You barely had anything the last two days.”
She wanted to separate herself from the discomfort of his company and the tug-of-war with her emotions that was becoming increasingly more prevalent when it came to him. How easy it would be to fall back into their old routine. Zack taking care of her. Zack looking out for her. Zack loving her. Her loving him.
Pain that had nothing to do with her injuries assaulted her. She hadn’t imagined he could affect her so strongly. Not after so long. But on the heels of pain came grief. Over what could have been.
“Anna-Grace?” Wade said sharply. “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head, briefly closing her eyes. “Nothing. I’m okay. Really.”
Wade’s lips thinned with disapproval but at least he didn’t call her on her blatant lie. Then, to her dismay, he excused himself to go shower and put his things away after asking Zack which room he should take.
She stood, frozen, unsure of what she should do now. They were standing in the kitchen and silence descended into awkwardness. Much like the ride from the hospital had been.
Then Zack tucked his hand underneath her elbow and as Wade had done he wrapped his other arm around her waist and began guiding her to the small table in the breakfast nook, where a bay window overlooked the meticulously landscaped backyard.
“Just sit here and take it easy. I’ll take a look at what was stocked and whip something up right quick.”
He cupped his hand over the crown of her hair and for a moment she could swear he was going to try to kiss her. But then he dropped his hand away after running his fingers down her long tresses to the ends and letting them fall away from his grasp. He curled his fingers inward and then flexed them outward as though warding off the urge to continue running his hands through her hair. Then he turned and walked back into the kitchen, leaving her sitting there, her lips tingling as if he had kissed her.
She hastily lifted her hand to her mouth, rubbing to rid herself of the sensation. God, she was losing her mind. How could she have even thought it for a minute? Worse, if he had tried to kiss her, she wouldn’t have done anything to stop him. It made her the worst sort of person and guilt and self-loathing nagged relentlessly at her. But so too did the longing for his kiss, which she put down as remembering the sweetness of their kisses before everything went to hell.
Zack was the only man to ever kiss her. He was the only man she’d ever loved. Would ever love, for that matter, even if that emotion was dead to her now. But she could still remember how glorious it felt to be young and in love, to have the entire world at her feet and to dream of beautiful things together.
He’d been her dream. And then he’d become her nightmare.