“Oh well I won’t take up too much of your time then. I just wanted to talk to you real quick.”
She leaned up against the kitchen counter while I took a seat at one of the kitchen table chairs.
“Ayden forgot about something she had to do for her I-Chem class so she won’t be back for a couple hours and Cora doesn’t get off until seven. We’re going to dinner.”
I was so happy to hear that she didn’t have a date with another guy that I let out an audible sigh that had her raising a pale eyebrow at me.
“What did you want to talk to me about Rule? It’s nice to see you and all but I have to say I’m kinda surprised you’re here.”
I wanted to tell her that I needed her, that I wasn’t the same without her, that she was my entire world but what fell out of my mouth was, “I had coffee with my mom today.”
I saw her eyes get big. “Wow. That’s huge.”
“She found me at Remy’s grave. I was alternately chewing him out and telling him how much I miss him. I go every year on our birthday. Did you know that dad threatened to leave her if she didn’t go get some help?”
She bit her bottom lip and it took every ounce of self-control I had not to climb up and replace her teeth with my own.
“I didn’t know that’s what Dale told her but I knew it was bad. They’re used to you pulling away but having Rome shut them out and refuse to let them see him off really did some damage. I’m glad it’s helping. You guys are a family, you need each other.”
“That’s the thing Shaw; I never thought I did until you. I never thought I needed anyone or anything until you got into my head and started breaking down all the walls I had built around all my feelings.”
We stared at each other in a tense silence. Until she sighed softly and uttered, “I’m not sorry. It’s not a bad thing to feel, it’s not awful to care about other people.”
I watched her carefully. I couldn’t tell how she was feeling and it made laying it all out on the line for her even more frightening. “No it’s not bad but it scares the hell out of me. I never had anything to lose before and losing you nearly undid me.”
She sucked in a sharp breath and I saw a myriad of emotions cross her eyes and face. “It undid me too.”
I shoved hands through my hair and met her gaze trying to let her see everything I was feeling. I wasn’t good at expressing this kind of emotion and it was frustrating me. “I want you to know that there’s been no one but you Shaw. You’ve got me running in circles and so wound up there could never be anyone but you. I miss you. I know you want undying declarations of love, I know trying isn’t an option that I just have to do it but I want you and I need you and more importantly I get that you need me too. Not some watered down synthetic version of me that makes being together easier but the fully leaded, hard to handle me that you can lean on because I’m strong Shaw and I’m not going to let anyone, your family especially, devalue all the wonderful things you have to give.”
I got to my feet and walked to where she was leaning. She had enormous eyes and I could see her chest moving up and down frantically with rapid breaths. She still hadn’t said anything so I pulled the pen I had stashed in my back pocket out and laid my hand out. “I’m not Jet so I can’t write you a song that makes you understand how important you are to me. I’m not Nash so I can’t find a building and paint you a mural that makes see that it all starts and ends with you for me.” She placed her hand palm up in mine and didn’t look away as I bent my head and began to do a quick sketch with the ball-point across her super pale skin. “I’m a tattoo artist, I’ll probably always be a tattoo artist and I don’t know how that plays into your future or the future you have planned after school and frankly I don’t care. This is what I have to offer you Shaw and just like you let me be your first, I’m letting you be mine,” I covered her entire palm with a detailed drawing of a sacred heart, it matched the one I had inked on the center of my chest. It had flames dancing up the back, a crown of thorns on top of it, a spray of roses along the bottom and in the center I drew a scrolling banner with my name in the center. “Here’s my heart Shaw. You have it in your hands and I promise you’re the first and last person to ever touch it. You need to be careful with it because it’s far more fragile than I ever thought and if you try and give it back I’m not taking it. I don’t know enough about love to know for sure that’s what this between us is, but I know that for me it’s you and only you from here on out and I can only promise to be careful and not push you away again. Life without you in it is doable, but if I have a choice I want to do it with you by my side and I’m telling you I’m not running away from the work it takes to make that happen. Shaw I’m not scared of us anymore.
When I was done I was breathless but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders because even if she rejected me at least she knew how I felt. I let go of her hand and she curled her fingers around the drawing that covered her palm. When I lifted my eyes to hers I was a little surprised to see tears shining in the emerald depths. She put the hand that I didn’t draw all over on the side on my face and ran her thumb over my bottom lip, pausing at the hoop. Her mouth crooked up on one side and just like that I knew everything was going to be alright.
“I was going to crash your birthday party tonight.” We were close but still separated by a few feet. I couldn’t look away from her and she opened her other hand and put it on my chest over where the heart matching the one I just gave her laid. “That’s where I was going later.”
“I would have been happy to see you.”
She smiled a little brighter. “I decided the other day that I had to stop deciding how things were going to happen before giving them a chance to play out. You shut me out Rule but only because I let you. I was so worried about what you were doing, about what would happen I just let you close the door and when you wanted to pull it back open I was so scared of how bad being without you hurt that I just didn’t want to give it space to happen again. That wasn’t fair to either of us. I’m not afraid of the work or us anymore either and I promise to not let you shove me away again. I do need you Rule and you are the only thing I have ever wanted just for me. I should have tried harder to hold onto you because you’re right, I need to be careful with this,” she tapped her palm with the heart on it against the one pounding under my skin. “It’s precious and the best gift I could ever ask for.”
I wrapped my arms tight around her and lifted her off her feet. I wanted to kiss her, wanted to do all the things I had spent two months missing out on doing to her, I wanted to make her forget Davenport’s cruel hands and imprint on her every single thing I felt about her but just as I was about to put my mouth on hers she pulled back and shook her head.
“If you start that there is no way you’re going to make dinner and your party with everyone tonight.”
She was right but I didn’t care. I had her and that was the only present I wanted. It must have shown on my face because she pressed a boring closed mouth kiss on my lips and wiggled out of my grasp. “I love you Rule, I really do and I have something I want to give you for your birthday but it has to wait until later when we’re alone and the threat of Ayden or Cora bounding in isn’t a likely scenario so go have fun with the guys. I’ll see you at the bar later and then we can celebrate in private.”
I pouted. That’s right I pouted like a little kid denied his favorite toy which in a way I was. We had been apart too long. I needed to touch her, needed to get my hands on her but she wasn’t cooperating at all. “Come on Shaw, just a little kiss. It’s my birthday and I missed you so bad.” I sounded whiny and not badass at all but I could tell she was about to cave in by the way she slithered a little closer to me but the moment was ruined when the lock on the front door jingled and a moment later Ayden came sweeping through in all her long legged, dark haired glory. She took one look at me and Shaw and grinned.
“Halleluiah! It’s about time you two idiots figured out that you were made for each other.”
Shaw laughed and shook her head. She gave me another brief kiss and moved away. “Tonight. I promise it’ll be worth the wait.” I begrudgingly agreed even though I still wanted to make out but she clearly wouldn’t be swayed and I had to admit my curiosity was peaked as to what kind of gift she wanted to give me in private. I went home and took a shower, a freezing cold one and got ready for the night. I didn’t want to drink too much because there was no way I was letting booze inhibit my reunion with my girl. I had never give much credence to the fact that being with someone you cared about making sex so much better but it was true.
The guys took me to the Buckhorn Exchange so we could gnaw on giant pieces of wild game like cavemen and act like a bunch of general jackasses and now that things were back on track with Shaw I felt lighter and happier than I had in months and they could tell. They all gave me shit endlessly about my chronic bad mood and advanced levels of dickheadness but I could tell they were relieved and grateful that I was back where I needed to be. Dinner was fun but I was ready to get on with night so I could take Shaw home and have some proper make up sex to cement this as the best birthday ever.
The bar was packed wall to wall with people trying to wish me a happy birthday. Even Uncle Phil had come out for the occasion. I accepted pats on the back and hugs as I looked for a particular blond head in the crowd. It took some skill to avoid shot after shot getting shoved in my direction but I managed to do it when I caught sight of a shimmer of white and black near the stage. Shaw was posted up front with Ayden and Cora and it irked me to no end that Jet was already at the table getting his flirt on with the beautiful brunette. Ignoring everyone else calling my name and clamoring for my attention I scooped my girl up even though she was in really tall heels and for once almost on a similar level with me and sealed my mouth over hers. I didn’t care that she muttered a startled protest. I wanted a kiss and it was my birthday so I was getting a damn kiss from this girl that was my world.
She wiggled a little until she could get her hands in my hair and I made sure it was worth her while as I stroked across her yielding tongue with my own. She gave a little moan and I moved a hand to her ass pressing as hard into her as I could until I became aware of the roar of catcalls and applause surrounding us. I lifted my head which left us both breathless and panting and was greeted by a standing ovation from pretty much every single person in the bar. I shared a shocked look with Shaw and we simultaneously burst out laughing. I took a brief bow with she curtsied making everyone else laugh along with us as she pressed back up against me to give me another kiss that turned my head to mush. The combination of a few beers, her soft mouth and that ridiculously short dress was enough to have me cutting out of my own party early. We hung out long enough for Jet to get on strange and sing me happy birthday and for me to instruct Nash to maintain a low profile when he came home as well as grab whatever gifts I had collected from people and then I was hustling Shaw out the door well before midnight.